Feel like I'm losing my mind

[Tinabeth]

Haven't been on here in awhile.  Am at week 15 without my Jay.  I am having good and bad days.  I find myself wondering more everyday if I can stay in the home that we have lived in for 20+ years. 
I feel at times that I must be here - I couldn't face things being anywhere else.  Then at other times I can't bear being here - too many memories.  I know this early in the grief process is NOT the time to make these kinds of decisions, but I am feeling soooo conflicted.
I am also overwhelmed with everything of his that there is to deal with.  He was a collector of many items.  He had a "man cave" that is full of his treasures along with his computer and television and books and guitars, etc. etc etc. 
I have two daughters that are supportive, but they each have small children and don't live close and they have their own lives.  And I don't really want anyone else going through his things - is that crazy of me or is that normal?  He had two bicycles that were high end cycles because he was getting into really enjoying cyclying.  I let one of our son-in-law's ride one this weekend.  I thought I was okay with it, but when I saw him on it and that he wasn't doing things the way Jay would have, I almost came unglued.  I didn't say anything; I just bit my tongue and kept saying "it is ok, it is ok, Jay isn't here to use it", but my heart was breaking all along.
I also find myself being very happy but very nervous when my kids and grandkids are around.  I feel guilty about feeling this way, but can't seem to help myself.  One set was around for 4 days this past week and one set stayed with me last night.  I've had to take a Xanax each morning to tolerate them and myself.  And I hadn't taken a xanax in a couple of weeks.  I just don't know about myself.  I don't even know who I am anymore.

[Terry]

Tinabeth,

I've been thinking about you and was glad to see your post. I can relate to sharing any of Jay's things. No, there is nothing wrong with you. I have clung to my Jeff's 'things' and someone always has something to say about it like, "Isn't it time to get rid of that?" and of course I just ignore them unless, that is I can't get away from them....as in family! lol

Hold on. The light will shine a little brighter some days. These days are to be cherished!

Know I care!

Love,
Terry

[browneyedgirl]

(((Tinabeth))))

Thinking of you and holding you close to my heart.

[Tinabeth]

Yesterday, June 12, was our anniversary date and my first one without him. We would have been married 29 years.  I made it through yesterday fairly well.  Between church and my daughters taking me out to lunch and my grandsons I was pretty well occupied most of the day so not much time to dwell on missing Jay. 
Today however has been a different story.  I've cried, prayed, ranted, slammed things, etc, etc.  And now I am so tired that I wish I could just lie down, close my eyes, and go be with my love.  Don't get me wrong, I have no suicidal thoughts, but I would be more than happy if the Lord decided to call me home right now.
4 days and he will have been gone 4 months.  Praying for some peace for all of us.  Tina ;(

[Terry]

Hi Tinabeth,

I'm glad you were surrounded by loving family on yours and Jay's 29th wedding anniversary. I don't think that intense missing ever leaves us. There are just some days we can better manage it than others.

Go ahead and cry, pray, rant and slam things......it's always worked for me! One thing I used to do was work in my garden and some days I just kept digging, not planting anything. It tired me out.

I'm so sorry you're having to live without your love, Jay.

Sending you a big hug...(((((((((((((((Tinabeth))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

[Lew]

I know just how you feel...I get out in the mornings, but coming back home is so difficult....I wish I could offer some help..I wish you the best in getting through this....it will always be there, but the pain may ease some....I really don't know..I am just praying that is true....Lew

[Tinabeth]

Thank you Lew, Terry, and browneyedgirl.  I appreciate being able to come vent my feelings here to folks who understand.  ((Hugs))

[arthur]

Hey Tinabeth..I am so sorry about the extreme amount of pain you were in on the date of your anniversary..I am dreading my own 1 year anniversary when it comes up next april.  Please don't feel as if you are going out your mind with the pain. You are not..I sometimes feel the same way with my own grief. I think expressing yourself with throwing things and raving is actually constructive since keeping the pain in is so much more destructive to you than just breaking some mere possessions and making some noise.   Please take gentle care of yourself Tinabeth. God Bless you. -arthur