Maureen

[browneyedgirl]

Arthur ~ how are you, my friend?

[arthur]

Hi browneyedgirl..I am doing better. Thanks for your concern. I tried taking the depression meds they gave me and they made me nauseous, so I couldnt take them anymore. I am attending a new grief group and it is working out well..I have made a new friend who has the same situation as mine. I still have trouble sleeping, panic attacks on waking and nightmares cause me to lose alot of rest at night. I am still using my old sleeping meds, and still working out and walking to help me with the grief.  I am trying to be more with people instead of sitting by my myself all weekend in the house. But I guess is what is more important is the lack of feeling I'm about to die in the last few weeks. That has to be an improvement.  Also I attended a highschool reunion recently and the husband of one of my highschool friends was a minister who counseled me on my grief and helped me tremendously.
Again, thanks for your concern. Take care, arthur

[browneyedgirl]

Arthur ~ thank you so much for the update.......I was uplifted by your post, lots of positive things in this post.

Keep up the good "work"

Lots of love,
Pam

[arthur]

083011 was Maureen's B-day, and its the 1st important date I've had to face since her death. The last 2 days leading up to this one were actually worse than the B-day itself.  I had some flashbacks of her death coming home from a friends house after my fantasy football draft. WHile I wasn't actually thinking of her B-day the date was looming in my mind and as I was at the draft party I could feel the pain and loss building up, until it got so bad I knew I had to leave my friends house to break down in private. As I was driving home the flashbacks started,and I wept my head off when I got home. The next day at work was very difficult as well, and I had to hold in the tears so much as I was working that I was drained by the end of my shift. Today on 083011 the day actually didn't go as bad as I had thougt it would..
I didn't have to work so hard to keep the tears back while I was working. I actually got a card in the mail from one of her best friends saying that I was not forgotten on her birthday.  I also went out to dinner with a member of Maureen's family who was close to her,  to remember Maureen and share grief on this night. It wasn't easy but it sure beat spending time alone by myself in the house on her b-day.  I hope everyone is doing well, Take care, arthur

[browneyedgirl]

Hi Arthur ~

Happy heavenly birthday to your Maureen (((((Artur)))).

Thank you for posting.  These days are the hardest - funny, I find myself focusing more on the days leading up to the date, rather than the date itself. 

Lots of love and hugs.

[arthur]

I just have to post because I've had a very rough day. I went to my grief group on 091111 and I couldnt express myself because 1-2 people dominated the group with their troubles. I'm went to the church where my wife was buried before that, and that dragged me down as it always does as the memories of her funeral came back. Anyhow the grief built up all day until it was driving me crazy so I went for a long power walk. I saw a young woman with her daughter in a power wheelchair, the same kind my wife used when she was alive and that really hurt. After I got home I couldn't stop the tears and the grief coninues this morning and I have to goto work.  I also got a call from one of my wife's relatives who was very supportive of me at the time of her death, and this is the 1st I've heard from in in 4 months. He talked very formal over the phone and although he did ask how I was doing, very little of the
care he had shown previously was evident in the conversation. I told him I was fine. I just thought well where have you been?
If you really cared couldn't you have phoned just once in 4 months? Anyhow I have to goto work so please pray for me I need them so bad now. I can't get the image of that little girl in the wheelchair out of my mind.

[Terry]

I'm sorry about the disappointment you heard in the words of your friend in that phone conversation. I don't think it's so much that they 'forget' rather their lives have not been deeply affected and are continuing whereas ours has seemed, at times to come to an abrupt halt. But, I understand that it hurts.

Yes, I will keep you in my prayers and my cyber hugs are covering you today with so much love, Arthur.

((((((((((Arthur))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[browneyedgirl]

Ah, Arthur, my friend, I am so sorry. 

You are in my prayers, please come back soon and let us know how you are doing.

Lots of love.

Pam

[arthur]

Hi Pam and Terry thank you both for your supportive replies. Seeing that little girl in a wheelchair was tough. It reminded me so much of Maureen, the way the chair moved when it turned, the way they abruptly stop with a small jerking motion after moving around. I am so glad that Maureen doesn't have to be in one those things again, that she doesn't have to suffer her disability ever again. I am praying for the little girl and her mother who live nearby me for their well being and protection.
     My doctor tried to put me on prozac and while that didn't make me sick it made me sleep all day, so again these behavioral drugs aren't for me and I think I'll refuse the next concoction the doctor offers me as well. I am having a little difficulty with my grief group but nothing as bad as the last one. I guess I shouldn't expect anything out of anyone and I'll be ok, which isn't a bad idea considering how the people I can relate to the most are also suffering alot.  I think I'll feel better if I participated a little less in the grief group and start to spend more time with my family.  I took my wedding ring off and put it away due to a dream i had about Maureen. I dreamt that she said she was coming back home again and had been off visiting a contest of some sort. I was overjoyed in the dream, but even in this dream I realized that Maureen is not really coming back. The very next thing I dream is being in a party and people serving me cake and delicious chinese food and celebrating. When I woke up I realized that the time had come for me to remove the ring and put it away, and to begin my new life without the wedding ring and Maureen.
Its strange how powerful dreams can be.  I also gave Maureen's wedding dress away to a close friend of hers for her friend's daughter, which was difficult.
     Thanks again for your care on this website, Terry and Pam. It is so very much appreciated.  God bless you,
arthur

[Terry]

I agree that dreams can be powerful. And I imagine it was very difficult passing on Maureen's wedding gown, but what a nice thing to do, Arthur!! An amazing step!!

Hugs!

[browneyedgirl]

Arthur ~  thank you for posting. 

Yes, I agree, you have made 2 giant steps, I know that had to be hard for you, but you seem to know what is best.  And I also agree, if you don't care for the drugs they are giving you - don't take them.  They're not for everyone. 

Lots of love and hugs.

PS  I love Chiense food, too!     Ha!

[arthur]

I just had another bad day at work..I just wanted to give up and got so tired of holding the pain in while at work. I broke down for the 1st time in front of my co workers..they bought me a haloween decoration for my desk as I usually put up a pumpkin or something every year but I just didn't feel like doing that this year. I was barely hanging on to control when they gifted me and I lost it when I got the gift. Afterward I had another flashback of finding Maureen almost dead from the heart attack, again at my desk..for a split second I was really there again seeing her stricken face. I hadn't had one of these for over 30 something days and I finally thought I was over these. I guess I'm not. I was supposed to go to a grief group social function tonight but I backed out at the last minute because I was just hurting inside too much to have to force myself to socialize. Its the second or 3rd time I had done this with this particular function and now I wonder if others are going to start questioning me about it.  My doctor gave up trying to give me behavioral meds for my depression..he thinks my current way of dealing with it by exercising and seeing the therapist is getting me through the depression. I thought this was good news..but after today I'm not so sure.
I hope you are doing well Pam and Terry, arthur

[Terry]

Arthur,

Those flashbacks/images that are etched in our brains can be haunting for a long time. I'm sorry.

My doctor gave up trying to give me behavioral meds for my depression..he thinks my current way of dealing with it by exercising and seeing the therapist is getting me through the depression. I thought this was good news..but after today I'm not so sure

Good for you, Arthur for staying physical as it's not always easy. Remember, two steps back and one forward sometimes, but that's Ok. When we least expect it, we're thrown a curve ball and in time, we just learn how to dodge them better.

Thanks for sharing.

Hugs!

[jasonkl]

Arthur,

I just want to say I understand, I posted my nightmare a few days ago. Every time I go to bed I relive the night I found my wife. Some nights I just don't go to bed to avoid the vision. I still struggle at work, I usually go to the bathroom at least 2 times to cry while at work.  I don't have any advice,  I just want you to know you are not alone and that sharing your experience help me not to feel so alone in dealing with my nightmare.

[johnkmurray]

Arthur,

Hang in there brother. I still get those 'flashbacks' that hit you mentally and emotionally ,seemingly from out of nowhere. Mercifully it is usually when I am alone. It will happen less frequently and you'll handle them better as time goes on.

John