Maureen

[arthur]

I keep thinking about what I could have done different to care for my wife who was disabled..what other thing I should have done to help stop maureen's death.  Just when I think that nothing couldhave stopped her massive heart attack..I think..maybe if I did the taxes instead of her...or maybe if I took more time off of work to help her more..or maybe if I was more insistent that she get extra help that day.   Despite the reassurances of my family, who have been wonderful to me since Maureen has died, that there was nothing I could have done to prevent her death, I can't help but think that only if I had been a better husband, or if I got Maureen extra help instead of trying to save money for when she would inevitably go into a nursing home, or if I helped her on the taxes this year instead of letting her do it by herself this year like she had done since we had gotten married so she would'nt have been exhausted, or if i had been more patient with her...the ifs are driving me crazy. I am hanging on a rope above a bottomless pit. I am lost.   I cant sleep right, it seems that I only get to sleep if I cry myself to mental exhaustion, or if I do get to sleep then I thrash around all night long .  My family has bought me grief books but I throw them aside after reading only a few paragraphs.  I am still off work because I break down every few hours, and it has been 2 weeks.  I try to get away from the house where I live, where Maureen died, where photographs of her abound, and it helps to get away for a few hours, but inevitably I have to return and the grief comes back. I feel as if I am walking around with death in my soul.  I want to tear my chest open to get at the gaping wound inside of me.  I sometimes contemplate taking up drinking wine until I'm drunk to get away from the pain for awhile.  And I can't forget that I had promised her father on his deathbed that I would take care of -Maureen while I was dating her, and she dies in my care after we're married . I cant get the memory out of my mind finding her stricken after her major heart attack, eyes half shut and glazed over, her mouth open and spittle coming out.
  God help me.
Arthur.

[Terry]

(((((((((((Arthur))))))))))

[mousewife]

Arthur,

I am so sorry you have lost your beloved wife.  What you have described are some of the truly agonizing reactions to loss.  I wish I had some words that would really help lessen your profound pain.  It may help a little to know that everything you are experiencing has been experienced by others who have lost a spouse.  Most of us feel guilt and question if we made the right decisions.  We do the best we can at the time, and that is the most we can expect of ourselves.  We can become very good at torturing ourselves, but I don't think it serves a purpose.

I know how hard it can be to find sleep.  I also know about how powerful the  image of you wife is in your mind.  It is brutal I know, to keep seeing her like this.  I still can easily access the picture of my husband's face as he died.  But over time, it has stopped being intrusive, and now comes only if I choose to remember. 

I am truly sorry that you have to go through these things.  I think it helps to express your feelings with others as you are doing here, and with those who are close to you, if they understand.

If sleep continues to be a problem, you might speak with your doctor about short term use of sleeping pills.  My caution is that once you take them, you may feel it is such a blessing to be knocked out that you will find it very hard to stop using them.  Just something to think about.

Try not to second guess yourself. Review for yourself how much you loved her, the ways that you cared for her, the ways in which your shared life was happy, and listen to those that tell you that you did all you could.  Let the tears come as they will.  Do the best you can to hang in there and get through this unknown territory of "lost" to one day find yourself again.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife
 

[johnkmurray]

I feel as if I am walking around with death in my soul.  I want to tear my chest open to get at the gaping wound inside of me.  I sometimes contemplate taking up drinking wine until I'm drunk to get away from the pain for awhile. 

Arthur,

I could have written these exact words a year ago, just a few weeks after my own wife died. Cancer. The initial numbness and shock of losing her gave way to a soul-tearing grief that hurt emotionally and physically. In my own case the anesthetic of choice was scotch. It dulls the pain, briefly, but you'll feel all the worse for it the next day. Still, some nights it was worth it to be able to sleep.

A year later and I can honestly say that the pain has dulled, the bad days are fewer, and my outlook on life has improved. Brother, I wish I could say that you are feeling the worst of it right now, but be aware that it is still early and you may have to endure some worse days until better ones come. They will come. Second-guessing yourself is normal, just don't be too hard on yourself. I don't know why we tend to remember what we could have done better and forget to remind ourselves of what we got right, but that's just the nature of the beast I guess.

I found this forum last summer, just as the grief was at its worst and right about the time I was laid off from my job. The folks here helped me through that time. This is a safe haven  in which to express your feelings on those dark days, or share your good moments. I am heartily sorry that any of us have a need for this, but very grateful that it was here for me when I did need it.

Warmest regards,
John

[arthur]

Thx for replying Terry,mousewife and johnkmurray. You cannot know what your words mean to me. As you could see, I am still in the "if" stage of the loss of my precious wife Maureen.   Recently I went to a doctor and talked to him about my insomnia, and I told him about my wife's major heart attack and I broke down in front of him and told him if I had done something different that day like stayed home from work because of her extreme weakness( I had to work because I had exhausted my fmla time) then maybe I could have helped her and maybe prevented her heart attack. The doctor looked me straight in the eye and said that in all probability I wouldn't have made any difference. He said that while he didn't know the exact cause of the heart attack, most likely it was caused by "coronary plaque rupture" like most major heart attacks are. He showed me how coronary plaque rupture works, and that even if I was there I couldn't have prevented her heart attack, which was probably made even worse by her weakened condition. He even told me of his experience of failing to save a man who had a major heart attack in a hotel room next to his.  Talking to the doctor really helped me alot,and was a blessing to me in one of the worst times in my life.  Thx again to everyone who has helped me here.-Arthur

[browneyedgirl]

Arthur ~  how are you doing?

[Terry]

Arthur,

I'm so glad that you chose to seek out the doctor for his wisdom regarding those painful 'what if's' that we all have when someone dies. Knowledge is power, always.

Please know that we are here for you in every feeling that you share and you are loved and cared for here. I know how devastating it is to lose the love of your life. Please be patient with yourself and be good to yourself. You deserve that, Arthur. Pay close attention to your health right now; eating well or snacking, drinking plenty of water/fluids and resting even if you are unable to sleep and know that you are not alone. We share your pain.

Sending you a big hug, and sure wish you could feel it!

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((Arthur))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[arthur]

browneyed girl and terry- I am doing ok. I am getting through the days of emptiness a little better now. I am in a grief group and with people who have tragedy's like mine and worse than mine. I rejoined my gym to get in better shape like Maureen always wanted me to do. Physical activity seems to help some. I am still involved with Maureens finances and legal stuff trying to get them resolved and I got alot done. I am still having trouble sleeping, and I had to get to a doctor to get some sleeping pills to help with that. I can't get the nightmare of finding Maureen stricken out of my mind..details are coming back to me that I forgot about that night a month ago,and they bring the memory back fresh again.  I just wanted you to know how much I appreciate both of you and everyone on this website in helping me get through one of the worst times of my life.  God Bless you all , Arthur

[browneyedgirl]

(((arthur))))

Thank you for updating us.

Much love to you.

Pam

[johnkmurray]

Arthur - You'll probably replay the things you think you could have done better over and over in your mind. I know I did, and still do. Please try to also remember the things you did right, the smiles you brought to your wife's face, the joy you felt together. You deserve to replay happy scenes now and then.

John

[arthur]

 Today my family and I went to see my wife's grave for the first time since they placed the headstone. It wasn't as bad as I expected it to be, until we went out to dinner. While eating and talking to my family I saw a beautiful waitress serving a nearby table. My heart nearly broke again when I saw the woman's beauty, becaause it really hit me hard and bitterly that I would never see my wife's beautiful face and eyes ever again. Death is such a bitter end for love. Though my mind tells me otherwise, I have never seen the future look so black as it does for me now.  It seems every waking moment of my life lately is filled with pain to such a degree that I can do nothing else but focus on it.  My insomnia has been really bad lately & tonite I only got 3 hours of sleep, despite that I am taking sleeping pills proscribed by my doctor. Sometimes I stare at the walls of my room wondering about the future and what I am going to do to stop the pain. Well I am off back to bed again to try and get more sleep.

[allalone]

Arthur, I read your post and felt some of your pain, although I know your pain is unique to you. I too lost my husband 3 months ago and there are times I question myself, "What if" although I know I did all that I knew at that time. I miss my husband very much and it is as if my heart is tearing apart. When I cry it is like a never ending stream. I find it difficult to go to sleep and often stay up late and get myself so exhausted that I fall off to sleep.

There are bad days, more bad days and then some good days. Initially there were more bad bad days and now more good days but then suddenly when you least expect us the bad days returns. I have been reading a lot of grief books and all state this is how grief works, so I am being gentle on myself, and  taking one day at a time.

I hope you are able to get some sleep and that you start to feel better. I read that grief is like a valley which you have to cross to reach the other side. One day you will get there.

May you be comforted and may God Bless you

Allalone

[arthur]

I just had an awful day. Maureen had some savings bonds that I had to cash in that were left to her by her parents. As I stared at the bonds today, I saw the dreams that her father and mother had had for her.  They had saved hard for her all too probable fate that would end up in a nursing home, but most importantly they had saved for her happiness. Maureen always talked about her childhood memories of her father who had died while we were dating back in the 1990's. The saving bonds had reminded me of the promise I made to him while he was dying, that I would take care of Maureen and her mother. I had to goto work after this so at work it was a struggle to hold back the tears at times. I couldn't forget Maureen's father, Maureen's loving words about her childhood with him, and the promise I made to him. I tried so hard to take of her.  After I got home, I wept so hard for all the lost dreams of Maureen and the future her parents had saved for her.  If I could've given my life for Maureen I would've to save her. the only solace I have is that she is far happier now than she ever was in her wheelchair, and that she is with her dear father. 
 

[browneyedgirl]

(((arthur))))

Sending you lots of love and peace.

[Lew]

Arthur...Keep hanging in there....I share your feelings..I see something that Linda wanted me to do, and I never got the chance, and feel so bad I didn't have the time...I am really trying to see her in a bright moment, laughing, and happy...that makes me feel better..and I truly believe we will be united again....when you have a soulmate, who is your whole life, the loss cannot be put into words, but remember...she would want you to be strong, and keep her memories in your heart...I am trying so hard to do that.....God Bless you....Lew