Hi Carolyn,
I'm so sorry to read of Wayne's death and also for the family issues brewing and at the worst possible time for you. A lot of us have been there and some of us even continue to be and if I've learned anything it's that "I can't change anyone but myself" and some of the ugliness I had to deal with just had to be accepted, but I learned ways to cope with the stress by setting certain guidelines when they were around and even on phone calls. Although, we still know how the other feels, there is respect shown, if you will and the opinions are no longer brought up. This took time, though. And, patience.
I wish I could tell you that it get's easier but with family, sadly there always seems to be issues. When someone dies in a family, everyone views their life and even death, uniquely and have their own thoughts on the 'What should haves" and the "If only's" regarding their death. Since we are all unique, and in our love for that person, also, there will always be speculation and sometimes unreasonable requests for understanding from others.
I have always tried, especially with my sister to focus on the fact that her love for my children was unconditional and beautiful and continue to try very hard to ignore some of her very insensitive remarks.
Try to take one day at a time and take care of 'you' right now, although I know not being able to see your Grandchildren is causing you a heavy heart.
Your daughter is grieving for her father right now and anger is not unusual to display, especially to those closest to us. Try writing her a letter, from your heart without mentioning her father but rather try and keep the focus on your Grandchildren. Maybe let her know that you don't understand how 'she' feels losing her father and when she's ready, you will be there for her if she just needs someone to listen. Just losing her father may have instilled a fear into her about losing you, also. That is not uncommon, at all even though she may not be expressing that to you.
Your daughter lost her father and her children lost their grandfather, and she is angry. There is usually much more than what is seen on the surface when someone is angry and resentful. Deep, unattended hurt can erupt into anger and even rage, especially during a life-changing event.
I wish I could be of more help but I can only share due to my own life's experiences and hopefully there will be something you can relate to that will shine some light onto your situation.
Welcome to our Webhealing family and please come back, anytime and let us know how things are going for you. Know you are loved and cared for here.
(((((((((((((((Carolyn)))))))))))))
My Love,
Terry