Author Topic: cannot do this alone  (Read 3294 times)

michelle1

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cannot do this alone
« on: April 10, 2011, 05:41:01 PM »
Please.  I anyone here?  I posted earlier under introductions but no one is around to talk to.  Maybe that is the wrong place.  It was my first post so I don't know how to do this. 

I don't want to repeat what I said earlier.  To make a long story short, my husband passed away on January 28th.  It has been a roller coaster ride... Tonight is just awful.  The roller coaster is on the down slope and I'm at the point of thinking I cannot go on alone...

I just want someone to talk to.  It's so hard being alone...

Michelle

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #1 on: April 10, 2011, 07:33:07 PM »
Hi Michelle,

I'm so sorry for the loss of your husband and soul mate. Such a tragic loss, so sudden. It's like living in a fog. Such a thick fog because we can't believe they are gone and continue to ask...where did they go? You have my heart, truly.

A roller coaster ride is a good way to describe the feelings from a great loss. Our lives change in an instant and we're left to pick up the pieces and that takes some time.

Welcome to Webhealing. I'm glad you found us. You have found a safe place to come to share all of these feelings and we will listen with an open heart. I wish I could do more for you. I know the pain, the shock...the 'all' of losing someone you love so very much and there aren't any magic words and nothing takes the pain away but please know that you are not alone. That there are others who understand.

I said the very same once and when I first found this message board, many years ago...that I cannot do this alone. I am from the child loss board and came here when my surviving son of 29 years died. I also lost my husband.

Thank You for sharing your story with us and come back and post as much as you like and read the posts from the other members. It helps. A lot.

I'm here for you. Know you are cared for here.

Sending you a big hug and know that all my love is coming with it!

(((((((((((((((((((((((Michelle))))))))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry


michelle1

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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #2 on: April 11, 2011, 08:19:49 PM »
Thank you Terry.  I a so sorry for your loss as well.  I would not wish this on anyone but it is nice knowing there are others around that understand and I am not alone. 

I'm not good at expressing feelings so not sure how this will all go here but knowing that this site exists helps.  I'm going to see a pastoral counselor tomorrow.  I'm hoping that will help.  I'm very nervous and am hoping I will feel comforable to talk to him.  I tried a psychologist but did not feel he helped much.  I was having some pretty bad anxiety and did not even realize how bad.  I was so tense that my jaw muscles messed up and I could barely open my mouth.  The psychologist tried to do some relaxation thing on me with my eyes closed but that just made me more tense.  I did not feel comfortable with my eyes closed around him (another long story)  I'm bad about keeping things inside.  It also depends on the timing of the visit.  Sometimes I don't even know what I'm feeling.

I've been going to church and feel it helps a lot.  The message is always very relavent.  I keep hearing about God being in control of everything, that there is a big picture, things happen for a reason... I understand that but feel bad that sometimes I question that.  I have put my trust in God but at the same time I cannot help but go through spells of asking "why?"

There have been so many things happen in my life.  I finally found my soul mate.  We were very close and did everything together.  He was such a wonderful man and was sooooo good to me.  I know bad things happened to me in the past but then I found him and now I keep wondering why God had to take him so soon.

I think about this and then I feel selfish for thinking this way.  After all, my husband is the one that died and I feel selfish for worrying about my own feelings.

I feel very lonely and then I feel selfish for feeling that too.  I'm used to helping others and usually don't express my own feelings to others.  Now I feel very selfish for talking about my own feelings and pouting about having trouble handling things. 

I feel selfish for feeling lonely and sad since he is the one that died and at the same time I feel guilty when I feel good.  On good days, I wonder why I'm feeling good.  I think I should be feeling bad and I'm awful for being happy.

See here I go.  You lost a child...others have had major losses... Now I feel selfish again for venting my own feelings.  This is what I mean.  I need to stop feeling sorry for myself and get over it.  Others are dealing with the same or worse every day.  This is how I feel every day but I cannot help venting sometimes so it is all confusing.  I feel bad if I talk and bad if I don't.

This is barely a fraction of the feelings I have right now but it's all I can say for now.


Michelle

tootie223

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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #3 on: April 11, 2011, 09:24:52 PM »
Dear Michelle 1,
   Give yourself time. It hasn’t been much time since your loss. It took me over a year to even post on this web page. I found reading other people’s postings helped in someway to let me know that what I was feeling was completely normal. It takes time. How much I don’t know. I still feel alone and so sad every day. I miss my husband so much. He was my world and my best friend. To not have him to talk to is unbearable. I keep wondering why the world keeps going on. Expressing yourself is I know hard. You sound like me, talking to people is hard. But I found talking on here is a lot easier. I think it is because you can do it from your own home and when you feel up to it. I read some books about grieving and they say there are steps in it.  Shock and numbness. Then you get mad and sad and so many other emotions. There come in different order and seem to come back again. Like you said it is a roller coaster ride. I never thought I could be so depressed and still carry on my life, such as it is. All I can say is keep reading and posting here.
Lot of hugs and good thoughts to you,

tootie223

Luvinmike

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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #4 on: April 16, 2011, 05:19:27 AM »
Dear Michelle and tootie;

I am very sorry for your losses. I care and I am sorry for the pain and confusion. It is 3 years for me, and I will say my mind is sharper at least.
It is very disorienting to lose your dearest friend and love, please give yourself chances to rest, exercise, eat healthy and other needs that can keep you strong.
 Lots of walking outside and drink water, write down stuff. Those are some ways to keep plugging along.
In time you will be able to think more clearly. And I also hope you will grow in confidence as I have, that was a shock to me. I always lived independently but after I lost my husband I felt like I could not even buy a loaf of bread, decisions and fears- it has been a long road. That took a long time. But, I am here to offer you some hope that you will grow stonger and that love never dies. The love stays with you. Thinking of you, hope you are doing okay. Again, just plain sorry you need to be here.

mousewife

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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #5 on: April 22, 2011, 07:02:11 PM »
Michelle1

I am so sorry you have lost your soul-mate.  I too lost mine, so I do understand much of what you say about your feelings.  I also am a person who is used to helping others and find it hard to ask for or receive help for myself.

It' has been over four years for me, and I still grieve and I still get sick of it and angry with myself.  I have always still been able to enjoy things in my life, but I still have a lot of sadness and lonliness for my husband.

I also use my faith to help me, but that doesn't mean that we stop asking why.  I think most of us can't avoid wanting to know why, or feeling angry that our time with our spouse was not as long as we expected.  There is no answer to that question, but we still ask.

I know not having your husband to talk to feels unbearable.  But we do bear it.  Try not to feel guilty for the times you feel better.  We need those times to give us strength for the bad times.  Try not to feel guilty when you express your sorrow to others.  This is what the site is for, and we need to be able to express what we feel.  I remember feeling frustrated early in my grief that I was not getting over it faster.  Everyone's pace is different and certainly you are in the very early stage.  We will never be the same people that we were prior to the death of our loved one, and we won't have that life again.  That doesn't mean that we can't go on to find a new life that we can enjoy, and change ourselves in ways that can be positive.  It just takes a lot longer to make these changes than we would like.

I am still working on it myself, but may others find their new life much sooner.  Try to hang on to that hope.  It does get easier over time.  But it may be more a process of one step forward and a few steps back.  For those of us of the Christian faith, this is the season of Hope.  I choose to trust in that even when I am angry, scared or confused.  It comforts me.  I hope you will find some comfort also.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife

Sad and Lonely

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Re: cannot do this alone
« Reply #6 on: May 22, 2011, 04:27:49 PM »
I am so sory for your loss and I truly understand all the pain you are going through. I lost my wonderful wife in Feb. of this year and I feel I am on the same roller coaster ride that you are on. I too have been asking why these things happen. I have been going to church every Sunday and praying to God for help, but I don't seem to be getting any answers. I feel good while I am in church but the grief sets in again on my way home to a empty house. I am like you and find a little comfort coming to this site and venting a little and reading other people's post. I see that I am not alone in my grief. I wish I had a way to say something to you all, that would make yours and my grief just disapire. They say time heals all wounds but they don't day how much time. I hope we all have better days ahead.

Lots of Love and hugs.
Sad and Lonely
Sad and lonely