Author Topic: Confronted Family About Funeral  (Read 2536 times)

lionness955

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Confronted Family About Funeral
« on: April 07, 2011, 11:27:11 AM »
When my son passed away none of my family went to the funeral home or burial. I decided to talk to my mom and sister about this.  He was only at the funeral home for one day and then buried that afternoon.I thought I  would talk to them one at a time at a time in case things do not go well I can go back home afterwards. Also since they will use another one for the excuse.

My mom said that she did find out about his passing until Sat afternoon which is the day of the funeral and burial. I know this to be a lie because when I talked to my brother he was at her house and I could hear in the background saying whats happened, whats going on. My brother also did not go but I did not talk to him yet. I am really stunned by my mom, she know very well what I am going through. I had a baby brother pass away at 2 days old. I was to young to remember anything about it. I thought she would offer more support because of that. When I got to her house she at first was acting like things were as peachy as normal. Then I brought up Clayton and asked about her not going. I sobbed off and on talking about  him and she never did, that kind of bothered me. Clayton adored her, we went to see almost every day or two until he was 5 then I had my daughter. Then she would keep him a lot because my daughter was a preemie and had minor brain damage from lack of oxygen which caused a lot of problems at first. She was going to therapy, in the hospital or at the Dr all the time. Clayton would want to go Gamma Mia's since he found going with us was not as fun as her house. It just baffles me that she could even consider not going. While I was there we talked about all the silly things he did. On his third birthday we had to put up a Christmas tree, we had explained that the Christmas was Jesus birthday and the tree was part of the celebration. Being 2 he only caught the part of a tree on a birthday and did understand all of it. It did not help that all the stores have a Christmas in July sale. That did help us in finding a tree, I went to a store and explained the story they laughed and let me have a 2 ft tree.
I then wet to my sisters. She had told me afterward that she had already made plans for the day. I kind of understood as his passing was sudden and if she had plans she may not have been able to change. Then while we were still on the phone she told me about a huge indoor yard sale that the went to last Sat, the day of the funeral. She said they got there early in the morning and it turned out to be not what they thought and went back home. She realized what she had done and changed the subject.  I asked her about not going and her main reason was that Angel was at her dads so she wanted to stay close by and she wanted to bring Angel. I asked why didn't you go get her from him, he knew Clayton and certainly would have understood he had a twin brother that passed away as a child. She said she did not want to argue with him. She is older than me so she remembered my baby brother that passed away. So again I thought I would get some support from her. All she said is that she could not imagine losing Angel or having to go through it every day. I told her about the things I do because I still do not want to believe it happened. I check his Myspace, Google search his name, I have called his cell phone and the inability to think and concentrate most of the time. She never cried, never seemed sad just always said how she would not be able to cope with that kind of loss. She is also a nurse, she has had patients pass away and helped families learn of the loss. I have seen her upset and cry over a patient she had cared for for a while or was a particularly sad situation. Why could she not show that for my son. He was the first grandson and was born before her daughter. When our great uncle passed away we went to the funeral and burial. We both sobbed, while growing up we would spend all our summer and spring breaks with him and my aunt. He had a 21 gun salute for his military career we both sobbed harder with each gun shot. We both got some of the gun shells. So I don't understand why she would be some what indifferent about my son.

My father also did not go but I did not intend for him to go. The reason he cannot get around very well, they rent a wheelchair when he has to go to the Dr. he can usually only ride in a car for short period. If he goes on a long trip then they rent a van with a seat he can lay back plus it has a bench seat so he stretch out more. He had 2 heart attacks and after a surgery a clamp was left in and caused a lot of damage. He is also on oxygen. I knew there was no way at all for them to make the trip. I did not want him to be upset about not being able to go because of his health. I did talk to my step mom and she also thought it would be better to tell him all about it in person a few days afterward. He was a little mad a t first, understandable. I explained why I waited and he said that there was no way he could have went and that it would have made him depressed to know about it and be unable to go. When I went there a took him a bunch of pictures and stuff.

As for the rest of my family I just cannot understand them. I am hurt, confused, mad and angry at them. I have 3 brothers, 1 sister. We live in the same state but not all in the same area. My sister and I are really close, well I thought we were. I talk to my brothers now and then but we are close. Normally if one of us is having a hard time the others would pitch in and help with out being asked. One of my brothers got seriously hurt at work then was fired. We paid his utilities, mowed his grass and got some groceries. We had to be a little sneaky because he was proud and ashamed to ask for or get help. My sister had emergency gall bladder surgery so we cleaned her house, kept her daughter but made her think we were doing it to have fun with her since her mom was taken by ambulance from work to the hospital. She had no idea what was going and did not want to worry her, Jody had asked we not say anything so she can tell her once she is home and ok. At the time she had just wet through a divorce and did not have insurance. We all paid her hospital bills, got her meds and helped her until she was back to 100%. We are a caring family I just cannot understand why they have turned their back on me and Clayton.

I apologize for this being so long but having to deal with them being this way is not helping me cope with Clayton. Usually I would call one of them if I was upset about something and I feel even more like I have no one.

« Last Edit: April 07, 2011, 03:15:32 PM by lionness955 »
Clayton Evan
7/30/90-2/16/2011
<img src="http://i1082.photobucket.com/albums/j369/MissHend/vcm_s_kf_repr_346x450.jpg" border="0" alt="Clayton"></a>

WendyRN

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #1 on: April 07, 2011, 01:21:26 PM »
I have so many thoughts running round my head about your family situation, I don't know where to start.  What you are having to deal with certainly fits under the category of "complicated grief".  (Not that grief could ever be considered "uncomplicated.")

With the information you've shared, I can only consider your family's behaviour to be abhorent.  It is way past any realm of normal.  Families that are in disarray or have issues between members would still manage to pull together for a funeral - especially of a child - even if its only for that short period of time.  Yard sale?  Pretending not to know?  I cannot fathom these excuses.

Dealing with the loss of a child is almost more than is bearable and we all need support from wherever we can garner it.  I hope you have a circle of close friends that you can lean on.  I sincerely hope that you have good counselling available too because it is going to take some doing to try to understand such a total lack of compassion and respect for your loss.  Please don't worry about the length of any of your postings and feel free to vent away.  You have a very heavy load trying to understand their motivation in the midst of grieving such a heavy loss.  Try to snatch moments just for yourself and your memories of Clayton.  And breathe.

Wendy, Keith's mom

lionness955

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2011, 03:35:00 PM »
Thank you so much for your support Wendy. I keep trying to find an excuse or reason for them to not have gone. I don't want to think that they could be that mean and cold hearted. I have seen families where the siblings hated each other but would go to a funeral the tension was bad but they were there. Its sad but I honestly think that this may keep me away from them for at least a little while. I've still two other brothers, I am the baby of 5 kids.
My husband did not want me to go see them the other day but he did not stop me from going. He is so disgusted with them he said he does not care if he never speaks to them again.  He was afraid that I would get to upset and/or not be able to drive home. I knew that I did need to talk to them in person so that there could be no accidental dropped call, another line beeping or someone at the door, he agreed that I needed to do that. He grew up in a very close knit family, he is related to almost everyone in this town.  My husband and his family are being really supportive. If not for them I think I would've completely lost it long long before now.
Clayton Evan
7/30/90-2/16/2011
<img src="http://i1082.photobucket.com/albums/j369/MissHend/vcm_s_kf_repr_346x450.jpg" border="0" alt="Clayton"></a>

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #3 on: April 10, 2011, 03:48:59 PM »
I think I'm speechless.. but maybe not.. I can not imagine any reason family would not go to your son's funeral. My heart surely does go out to you; my heart is heavy for you . Your son will always be part of your life. We love you here. Brenda

Rebecca

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #4 on: April 11, 2011, 01:45:11 AM »
I can't believe that people who were in your life just up and left u to swim alone.  It all does not make any sense.  I hope u get ur strength elsewhere.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #5 on: April 11, 2011, 08:29:57 PM »
Wendy is right, even dysfunctional families usually come together when someone dies.  I am so sorry your family wasn't there for you, when your son died.

I have a brother I don't see or talk too.  Had not seen or talked to him for 5 or 6 years when my son died.  But, I couldn't have asked for more compassion when my son died.  My brother and his wife were there for me and AC when AC died. 

I have not talked to my brother sinse then.  But, I will never forget the kindness and compassion showed by him during that time.

We all kind of joked after the funeral, that we might not get along in everyday life, but we do know how to come together when tragedy strikes the family.

I hope you have someone you can depend on.

Love and Hugs
Peggy




Terry

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Re: Confronted Family About Funeral
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2011, 06:39:42 PM »

I'm glad to hear that your husband and his family are being supportive to you. And, come here and post whenever you want to share something. We will all be here for you. You do not have to be alone through this and that 'alone feeling' is something that is hard to shake after losing a child. We have such deep feelings of emptiness, loneliness that at times we feel as if we're going to disappear.

This time is so difficult for you. Your loss of your precious Clayton being so recent that you're still in a suspended state of shock and waiting for him to come home. Do whatever you are able to do and leave the rest for another time. You are most important right now. Your mental health and your physical health. And, both suffer after such a great loss. Be sure to get some rest, even if you are unable to sleep well. Snack often. Drink plenty of water. Feel everything you need to feel. Write it down. Have you started a journal yet? It helps to write everything down. It was always (and still is) another life-line for me.

I always write to my children and the reason that was always so important to me was that it was unfathomable to end every aspect of our relationship. Yes, they died. But, I have always continued to let them know how my day went. Tell them Goodnight every night. hare good news. And, let them know how much everyone misses them. I could never end that communication that comes from deep in my soul and my heart, because that is where they live.

I am always here for you, with understanding, support and so much love!

((((((((((((((((((((((Clayton's Momma))))))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry