Author Topic: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday  (Read 4481 times)

Karen Martinez

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Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« on: April 06, 2011, 06:50:22 PM »
My Dear Dr. Golden -- You are a gem -- thanks for getting back to me.  My brother's second oldest daughter Jennifer passed last April 5, 2010.  She was 28 and left behind two very young sons and her husband.  Okay this is the 411 shall we say.  Her major stressors were centered around her two boys who both had been born with holes in their hearts.  In time -- miracle I'd say --  they healed.  She, her husband and kids were living with my brother (her Dad) and mom.  She was run pretty ragged chasing them around and did not receive much help from their dad.  His standard routine after work was to jump on his computer and basically did not help her with the boys.

As can happen she self-medicated herself with unprescribed Xanax from her husband's mother in law.  While her dad went in for emergency spinal surgery she broke into his locked methadone box with a hammer and took two viles and collapsed.  The emergency room doctor said she had a large amount of methadone and Xanax in her system.  She swallowed one not knowing its power.  As her dad had just arrived home he was not yet aware that his box had been opened.  Jenny was on life support for a week or so and spent another week in the hospital's psych unit.  She arrived home and apparently swallowed the other one.  She aspirated in her sleep and died.  Paramedics worked on her for about an hour but it was too late.  The medical examiner concluded her death a suicide because of the amount of meth.    His wife and son in law blamed my brother for her death and asked him if he was happy about that.  They also blame me as I was the one who got him to seek out a drug treatment program for drug abuse that began years before. 

Terry

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #1 on: April 06, 2011, 11:55:16 PM »
Hi Karen,

I'm sorry for the loss of your niece, Jennifer and also for the stress on the entire family that seems to be surrounding it. I often hear how other family members are blamed when someone does not die a natural death and especially when the situation is complicated by drug use or the taking of their own life, which you shared may well have been the case with precious Jennifer.

Very sad. Thank you for sharing her story with us and Welcome to Webhealing where you will hear similar tragic stories from others who are traveling the same painful and confusing path as you are. We are all here to support one another with love and understanding.

Please feel free to post more when you feel up to it and know that there is always someone here to listen and to care.

My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a big hug. (((((((((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: April 06, 2011, 11:59:28 PM by Terry »

Tom

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #2 on: April 07, 2011, 06:09:37 AM »
Hi Karen -  You are very welcome.  It's good to see you.

What a very sad story about your family.  It's so sad that amidst the walls of grief following a suicide there is often a great deal of finger pointing.  This is often due to everyone feeling guilty about what they "could" have "should" have done and didn't, and their guilt gets spun out onto others.  Sadly, when we feel we have someone to blame we can "feel better."  It's a masquerade that has cost so many loving relationships dearly. 

Blessings to you and your family.

Tom


Hi Karen,

I'm sorry for the loss of your niece, Jennifer and also for the stress on the entire family that seems to be surrounding it. I often hear how other family members are blamed when someone does not die a natural death and especially when the situation is complicated by drug use or the taking of their own life, which you shared may well have been the case with precious Jennifer.

Very sad. Thank you for sharing her story with us and Welcome to Webhealing where you will hear similar tragic stories from others who are traveling the same painful and confusing path as you are. We are all here to support one another with love and understanding.

Please feel free to post more when you feel up to it and know that there is always someone here to listen and to care.

My heart goes out to you and I'm sending you a big hug. (((((((((((((((((((((Karen)))))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry
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Karen Martinez

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #3 on: April 07, 2011, 04:56:57 PM »
Dear Tom,

I so appreciate your kindess.  Once again you have helped me through another family death like you did when I lost my parents 17 years ago.

The woulda, coulda, shouldas always creep in.  Yes the finger pointing sets in when a death is not natural.  His wife, remaining daughters and sons in law have gone over the top to make sure John 'knows' Jenny's passing was his fault.  Along with grieving he is still recovering from his spinal surgery.  He is unable to work as yet and my fingers are crossed that his application for Social Security disability will come through.  Many have asked why John just doesn't leave and get a divorce.  John is terrified of being alone as he has never been alone.  The emotional abuse from his family is outrageous.  I've been helping him this past year with paperwork stuff and have tried to arrange for state assistance.  Even after a long session with Utah's Adult Protective Service director, John is not considered a vulnerable adult.  Blows my mind.  Any positive self esteem is gone.

I've committed him twice to the U of Utah Hospital psych unit after he said he was going to do himself in.  So what do you do -- just worry I guess.  He did accomplish detoxing from Methadone at least.

Most Fondly -- Karen

Karen Martinez

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Lack of Get Up and Go Skills
« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2011, 08:03:13 PM »
My Dear Dr. Golden,

Could I get your reflection please.  Last year was a real piece of work emotionally.  As my brother John's immediate family had no interest (and still has no interest) in supporting him emotionally and otherwise, I gladly took on the role as his older sister.  I'm not complaining really I'm not.  But it was very draining.  Although I take antidepressant and anxiety medication, I've hit a wall.   I seem to have fallen into a rut where I stay in bed all day and sleep.  I do have a part time job which I love.  Could this staying in bed all day on nonworking days be total burnout from this past year?  I've shut down in a lot of areas.  I'm wondering if I need a change of meds and a psychiatrist.   Any thoughts or recommendations?

Again bless you for all you do.

Karen

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #5 on: April 14, 2011, 04:55:16 AM »
hi Karen -  I am out of town giving workshops and can't give you a great response.  Let me get back home this weekend and have a look. 
Tom
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Tom

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #6 on: April 14, 2011, 12:53:44 PM »


Hi Karen -  I got a minute and wanted to check in with you.  Are you presently in therapy?  If so, it would be important that you run by them your situation of being in bed most of the day.  You are correct.  This can be a sign of serious burn out and depression. It can also be a sign that you aren't feeling so hot physically.  A good therapist is going to help you to sort out what is happening and most importantly to start helping you take some actions to take good care of yourself.  Sometimes  we can focus so much on others that we forget ourselves.  Make sure that is not the case. 

Tom

Dear Tom,

I so appreciate your kindess.  Once again you have helped me through another family death like you did when I lost my parents 17 years ago.

The woulda, coulda, shouldas always creep in.  Yes the finger pointing sets in when a death is not natural.  His wife, remaining daughters and sons in law have gone over the top to make sure John 'knows' Jenny's passing was his fault.  Along with grieving he is still recovering from his spinal surgery.  He is unable to work as yet and my fingers are crossed that his application for Social Security disability will come through.  Many have asked why John just doesn't leave and get a divorce.  John is terrified of being alone as he has never been alone.  The emotional abuse from his family is outrageous.  I've been helping him this past year with paperwork stuff and have tried to arrange for state assistance.  Even after a long session with Utah's Adult Protective Service director, John is not considered a vulnerable adult.  Blows my mind.  Any positive self esteem is gone.

I've committed him twice to the U of Utah Hospital psych unit after he said he was going to do himself in.  So what do you do -- just worry I guess.  He did accomplish detoxing from Methadone at least.

Most Fondly -- Karen
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Karen Martinez

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Re: Passing of Niece Year Ago Yesterday
« Reply #7 on: April 17, 2011, 07:15:41 PM »
Dear Dr. Tom,

No I am not currently in therapy and definitely need to start that up again.  The doctor I was visiting put more effective med cocktails together than my internist (well that would stand to reason I'm sure).  My former psychiatrist was 'meds only' so I never had more than ten minutes or so with him.  He did recommend a psychologist for more 'talk' time but I just never got around to it.  I'm certainly no Mother Theresa but seem to have fallen into the category of family rescuer.  I did the same for my parents.  I've never taken on the 'long suffering victim' attitude but you are right in that a person can forget to take care of themselves.  Over the past year I've developed a bit of asthma -- nothing debilitating really just annoying and draining.

Again blessings upon you.

Most Fondly -- Karen