Author Topic: The Pain  (Read 3139 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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The Pain
« on: April 04, 2011, 04:05:47 PM »
The pain never ends, it only does its dance. Wish there was an other way to feel better other than to see taking my life as the ultimate solution. I will not do that, having done that before and it is terribly unfair to my family, I know that now but I still wish I could.
Very sad,
Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

browneyedgirl

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #1 on: April 04, 2011, 04:34:35 PM »
(((Paula))))

My heart aches for you!!  I am so sorry.

 Much love
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

jsdaa

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2011, 08:54:02 AM »
Paula,

I spent the first year and a half after Sarah's death trying to take my life.  The pain was and is too great.  I am actually amazed that I am still here so I can only think that there is a reason.  I felt that I could be nothing to my surviving children but still felt the guilt of trying so many times to die.  My last attempt was last summer and I have not contemplated it since.  Don't get me wrong, if my time is today or tomorrow, I will welcome it with open arms.  I wondered so often how I could want to leave my other children and grandchildren and came to the conclusion that I can see and know that they are okay.  As much as I believe that Sarah is too, I can't see her or touch her and I miss her every second of every day. 

I am now in the midst of fighting for my grandson, Lucas. He is the youngest of Sarah's three surviving children.  She was divorced from the father of Adrienne and Jacob whom I am able to see whenever I want.  Lucas' father, the crazy person that he is informed me via text that I can not be a part of Lucas's life after we had made several attempts to see him.  It's just crazy....I had just had him Feb. 14th and all of a sudden out of nowhere, he decides that.  I think he is using again......anyway, it's given me a focus and a reason to fight and be here.  I DO NOT believe that everything happens for a reason but I am glad that I wasn't successful because I need to fight now for the life of my 3yr old grandson.

I am truly sorry for your pain.  Please, remember that you are not alone.  We all get it and care so much. Oh, and I so agree with your comment about crying in the other thread.  It doesn't help at all.

Love and Peace,
Jamie

6/25/80-12/25/08

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2011, 09:54:06 AM »
Jamie, I have a hunch that most of us bereaved parents no longer fear our own demise and would welcome it as the opportunity to be reunited with our angels.
However with that being said I am saddened to learn of your continuous attempts on your life. As much as I feel that life is now a life "sentence" for me I saw the aftermath of my actions on my family and realize that I cannot do that to them again. Even more so for my husband, I feel like us going on as a couple is what gives him his only peace of mind and mine with him. I know that when I die of natural causes my children will miss me, but I have ever so concerned about how my husband would go on at this point without me. So it is now fair to say while I want to die as that is the ONLY way I can ensure the end of my pain I do know now that it can NEVER be of my own doing.
However with that being said my husband & I are somewhat sabatoging our lives by no exercise and overeating. A passive-aggressive approach that especially my eldst children gets somewhat frustrated with.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: The Pain
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2011, 05:39:13 AM »
Jamie,

I'm sorry for your constant struggle to see your precious Grandchildren. I was where you are at one time and all I can say is fight, fight, fight!!! They are worth it. You are worth it. Sarah's babies are so precious to you, I know, just as mine is to me.

I'm always here for you.

My Love,
Terry

Terry

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #5 on: April 07, 2011, 05:41:02 AM »

(((((((((((Paula))))))))))))

jsdaa

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #6 on: April 07, 2011, 07:10:42 AM »
Jamie,

I'm sorry for your constant struggle to see your precious Grandchildren. I was where you are at one time and all I can say is fight, fight, fight!!! They are worth it. You are worth it. Sarah's babies are so precious to you, I know, just as mine is to me.

I'm always here for you.

My Love,
Terry

Thankfully, I am able to see the two oldest.  The fight to see Lucas is so emotionally draining, there are days where I feel like it is taking everything out of me to proceed with the fight.  I'm still in the process of finding a good attorney.......that's a full-time job right there.  When I think about giving up, I think about Sarah and I on the phone, after she found out that she was having a boy.  She was reading a list from a baby book that she had.  When she said "Lucas", we both realized that would be perfect.  I think about how much she loved him and was so happy because he was such a good baby.  I had ten months with him and being his "Nana".  He has now just turned 3 and to not be a part of his life is devastating.  I have to fight!

6/25/80-12/25/08

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: The Pain
« Reply #7 on: April 07, 2011, 08:20:13 AM »
My good friend had a situation where her parents wanted to see their granddaughter. Their son and his wife had a bitter divorce and their son was not interested in keeping up with the child but his parents were. They went to court and won "grandparents" rights which they kept up with until the girl decided on her own that she wanted no contact. They always left the door open for her to contact them whenever she wanted.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings