Author Topic: Denial  (Read 3726 times)

swgirl094

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Denial
« on: April 01, 2011, 12:33:43 PM »
Hello all,

I am just feeling very much in denial right now.  I know that this is not good for the grieving process, but I have gotten to the point where missing my mom and thinking about my mom are too difficult for me.  She has been gone 2 1/2 months.  I am exhausted from all of this and need to just pretend that she is just "away on vacation" or something for now.  Do any of you get to that point?  I just can't cry any more or think about it any more.  It is just too much.  My sisters react the exact opposite and dwell in their pain and grief so much that I cannot be around them because it is too difficult for me.  I need to feel happy again and feel like I never fully can unless I envelope myself in this denial.  Since she passed away it feels like I cannot fully relax, I cannot feel like myself or feel ok.  Even colors look less bright, as stupid as that sounds.  How do you get past that?  Do you ever? 

Sometimes it is just easier to pretend things are normal ... and then I hear her favorite song and am smacked in the face with the fax that things never will be normal again.

laurenE

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Re: Denial
« Reply #1 on: April 01, 2011, 01:53:14 PM »
SWGirl,

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.  Such a unique loss for a woman to go through.  I lost mine suddenly  8 1/2 yrs ago.

The first few years are intensely painful.  After awhile the pain does not cut as deep.  Eventually the pain only comes during holidays, and even then its a mild ache, not so desperately painful.  But it takes time for that.   Grief is considered to be 'early'  for the first year- 2 yrs, depending on the relationship with the one who died,  type of death,  your personality, etc.

 Don't judge yourself so harshly.  We all grieve differently and have different needs in our grieving time.  Some people have a personality that is able to bounce back quickly from stressful events,  others do not. Its ok,  but everyone is differnt.  Your sisters are different.  Dont let them judge you and dont assume they hurt more/less than you do.  You will all heal in your own time.   I encourage you as sisters to rally together for support and strength.  Be patient with each other.  and be there for each other,  in the way that each of you need.   Ask for what you need.  And then allow those needs to be met by supportive people around you,  including sisters.

the pain of grief is intense.  Thank goodness it doesn't last forever.  Soon you will laugh again and not feel guilty for it. Soon the colors will brighten and you will enjoy more good days than not.    Been there. 
Thanks for posting and for coming here.   I hope writing out your feelings will help you through this journey in these next months or yrs to come.

lauren

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Denial
« Reply #2 on: April 01, 2011, 02:06:12 PM »

I understand wanting everything to be back to 'normal' as I've woken up a thousand times and realized that it was not a nightmare. This had really happened. And, it wasn't until I accepted my son's death, which didn't happen over night, but nevertheless it was at that point that I 'could' live again and genuinely laugh again, feel joy and happiness.

Everyone grieves differently so whatever get's you through the day is probably what you should be doing.

There is a Buddhist Proverb, "WHEN THE STUDENT IS READY, THE TEACHER ARRIVES" and the beat goes on.
We hear what we are ready to hear. If we are not ready to receive the advice/knowledge, regardless of how sound and proven it may be, it will be discarded. The fact is the teacher is always ready to teach but the student is not always ready to listen. Have you ever had regrets (I have) and asked yourself why you didn't 'know' or 'do' something sooner? That's because we were not ready or able to absorb it fully at the time, to learn it's meaning in detail and we are all students. Students of life!!

One day you will accept your mom's death. At two and a half months, it's hardly reasonable to think one could do that, in any sense. It's just too soon.

Please have patience with yourself and know it takes a very long time to learn to live again without our loved ones. You're doing the best you can and that's all we can do.

You asked how one get's past not being able to relax and colors being distorted and just not feeling like yourself.
I don't know if it's 'getting past' as much as it is 'working through' because it's something we all go through. We change when someone we love dies. A piece of us is missing. They filled a huge part of our lives. We must learn to live again without them in it. It is not easy. Remember...Time and Patience!

Keep posting! It helps!

Love,
Terry

swgirl094

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Re: Denial
« Reply #3 on: April 01, 2011, 03:32:40 PM »
Thank you both for your kind words.  Even though I would not wish this on anybody, it is comforting to know that there are people out there who have been here and can give me some hope that the pain will not always be so overwhelming.  I think one of the hardest things having it be so recent is when I hear people say "It never gets easier."  Then I am more upset with the thought of "Am I really always going to feel this bad?"  I know that it is something I will never get over.  I just need to know that one day it won't feel as unbelievably overwhelming and scary. 

I am having a lot of anxiety now.  I find myself having anxiety over losing somebody else that I love and wondering how I could get through something like this again.  I worry about my own health and the health of those I love because her cancer was "a fluke" with no apparent cause or symptoms until it was too late.  I have been seeing a counselor, but she is a counselor that I had before my mom got sick and I went to her again because I knew her and trusted her.  She is not a grief specific counselor.  Would going to a "grief counselor" be a better idea? 

I realize that it is still very recent and it takes time.  It just is hard because we are now getting to the point where family and friends are moving on with their lives.  Work sees it as far away enough that I should be fine working every day, but my feelings are so unpredictable that some days really are a struggle. 

Sorry for the rambling/venting, but thank you all for your kindness and understanding.  I am glad I found this place.

Terry

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Re: Denial
« Reply #4 on: April 07, 2011, 05:55:24 AM »

((((((((swgirl))))))))