Days are getting harder

[lionness955]

It has not been that long since my son passed and I know it will take some time for all the pain to heal. My son passed away Feb 16, like I said it has been that long. My mind knows all of this but acts like it does not. I find myself feeling worse with each day. I cried a lot at first but now I cry even more. After some urging I went to the Dr to get some antidepressant and or sleep meds since I sleep very little. They had put in a new computer system and had to go over all the usual question again and put it in the comp The girl asked how may times I had been pregnant and how many children I had. Of course I burst in to tears, loud sobbing. I apologized for making her feel bad as she did not know what was going on. I feel like I am on a large busy sidewalk, all the world is rushing around as they normally do but I am standing there with a light fog around me. Someone will grab a hold of me and pullback to where I should be and almost immediately I feel myself slipping behind again. Then again someone will grab me and the process will repeat again.
    My computer wet on the fritz so i started using my "backup" but in a couple days it too went on the fritz. The spouse told me to get another so I did. Once I got it I could not wait to get home to tell Clayton all about it. Every thing I do, every where I go and every thing I hear reminds me of something he did, said, wore, liked and so on. Its getting so overwhelming that I do to go out. I cannot go to the grocery because my mind resembles overcooked pasta and I cannot remember to get what I came for, even though I have a list.
I decided that I should go to grief counselling, so I went to the place in the town I live. Of all things they tell me they do not accept my insurance that I will need to go the office they have in a town two counties over or one that is over an hour away. The defeats the whole purpose of me going to the one in my town. I cannot drive much because I do not pay attention. I cannot keep my mind on the task at hand.
I've always been a perfectionist and had a little OCD and needed things to neat, tidy, clean and in order. I  even had a set of brushes for cleaning and dusting things with fine details, floral wreaths and AC vents. Now I do not care. My husband helps with the cleaning because I do not care enough to full with it. I used to prefer to cook home since it was better for us and cost less, now I do not care if I eat or not and tell them they can eat out if they want. I do not like what I have become but I cannot or maybe its do not have the strength to change. I do not watch tv any more. I used to take pride in my huge fish tanks but have been neglecting them, not intentionally but because I actually forgot about them.
    Sorry for this being so long but I have not had a chance to really speak what I feel in a little while.

[SarahW]

It has not been that long since my son passed and I know it will take some time for all the pain to heal. My son passed away Feb 16, like I said it has been that long. My mind knows all of this but acts like it does not. I find myself feeling worse with each day. I cried a lot at first but now I cry even more. After some urging I went to the Dr to get some antidepressant and or sleep meds since I sleep very little. They had put in a new computer system and had to go over all the usual question again and put it in the comp The girl asked how may times I had been pregnant and how many children I had. Of course I burst in to tears, loud sobbing. I apologized for making her feel bad as she did not know what was going on. I feel like I am on a large busy sidewalk, all the world is rushing around as they normally do but I am standing there with a light fog around me. Someone will grab a hold of me and pullback to where I should be and almost immediately I feel myself slipping behind again. Then again someone will grab me and the process will repeat again.

It will be two years in July for me, since I lost Vince, and I am just now starting to sleep normally again - sometimes.

I had a very similar experience to yours when I went to the doc for a check-up for the first time since my son's death.  She did not know about Vince, and asked about him, and I tried to talk, but could barely get the words out and could not stop the tears.

    My computer wet on the fritz so i started using my "backup" but in a couple days it too went on the fritz. The spouse told me to get another so I did. Once I got it I could not wait to get home to tell Clayton all about it. Every thing I do, every where I go and every thing I hear reminds me of something he did, said, wore, liked and so on. Its getting so overwhelming that I do to go out. I cannot go to the grocery because my mind resembles overcooked pasta and I cannot remember to get what I came for, even though I have a list.

The inability to pay attention, or understand what is going on around you gets better with time (I remember times when I wasn't even sure what I was saying or doing . . . like I was working on some kind of auto-pilot and appeared normal on the outside . . . but I wasn't).

It's hard to say how much time it will take for anyone in particular.  You can't rush it.  It is an awful feeling, but you have to go through it.  Know that you are not alone in it, and can come here anytime to share with people who have been there, and are still working their way through it.

I decided that I should go to grief counselling, so I went to the place in the town I live. Of all things they tell me they do not accept my insurance that I will need to go the office they have in a town two counties over or one that is over an hour away. The defeats the whole purpose of me going to the one in my town. I cannot drive much because I do not pay attention. I cannot keep my mind on the task at hand.

So sorry you have to deal with such a thing.  I do go to a counselor and it helps.  Do you have priest or minister, or anyone nearby that could act as something of a counselor?

I know this place is not a substitute for a counselor, but know that you can always share here, if nowhere else.

I've always been a perfectionist and had a little OCD and needed things to neat, tidy, clean and in order. I  even had a set of brushes for cleaning and dusting things with fine details, floral wreaths and AC vents. Now I do not care. My husband helps with the cleaning because I do not care enough to full with it. I used to prefer to cook home since it was better for us and cost less, now I do not care if I eat or not and tell them they can eat out if they want. I do not like what I have become but I cannot or maybe its do not have the strength to change. I do not watch tv any more. I used to take pride in my huge fish tanks but have been neglecting them, not intentionally but because I actually forgot about them.
    Sorry for this being so long but I have not had a chance to really speak what I feel in a little while.

I had a hard time "getting back to the world" in so many ways . . . again, it slowly got better.

I am still working on it. 

The hurt, I don't think, is going to go away.  It's more like it is getting less raw, and I am having to figure out how to deal with living with the pain.

The rest - the numbness, the disconnect, the inability to think . . . that actually has gotten better with time.  Not 100%, and not very quickly, but it has gotten better.

Much love and sympathy, and thanks so much for sharing your experience here.  It is good for all of us to feel less alone in this experience.

[Terry]

I'm so sorry and sadly I understand everything you've shared here. I came to Webhealing when my surviving son of 29 years died. I lost 2 other children when I was younger. My daughter, Michelle who was 4 and my newborn baby, Salvador. After living with the emptiness and pulling myself out of every black hole, and there were many....I knew I had found my way in this world and continued to move forward.

Then, the unthinkable happened; my surviving and only child was murdered. And, my world once again had come to an abrupt halt. So, I've basically started all over again, learning to live with this awful pain. This awful emptiness. This awful loneliness.

I share this with you because I want you to know that I understand the pain you are in. Everyone on this site does. And, the only word I have for it is awful. What helped me was having patience with myself as we go through so many changes that we can hardly keep up with them. We are changed, forever. Others want us back the way we were. It's not going to happen. More patience. We're unable to work and function, performing the mundane everyday chores....I had to be patient with myself. But, this didn't just 'happen.' It took a lot of time. Time never changed the pain or the missing, it just became 'different'/tolerable and I was so grateful for that. Even when hearing it from other Mom's and Dad's on here....in the beginning, it went in one ear and out the other. In fact, nothing much registered because the pain didn't just speak....it screamed and blocked out everything else. It was overwhelming.

Do you have anyone who could help with shopping for you and other chores that I know are overwhelming you right now? Maybe a little break once a week? An afternoon that you can spend alone, with your thoughts and read if you want to read; take a long, hot bath or just sit and cry, scream....whatever you need to do to release these emotions that build up and can cause us to feel as if we will implode if we don't find a temporary release?

Your precious Clayton has been gone from your life such a short time and at the same time, I know it feels like a lifetime. At 6 weeks, I was still very numb with the awful pain and just wanted to stay in bed. I was unable to do this as I had other responsibilities. My grief was placed on hold and that caused negative emotional and physical set-backs that I had to deal with for many years. I share this often as it is so extremely important to get those feelings out when we need to. So healthy.

Please know I am always here for you and you can come here and write these feelings down, day or night and I will be listening. We all will be listening. I wish there was more that I could offer you. Just know that I care, very much and you are not alone.

Thanks for sharing what's in your heart and your heart is so heavy right now. I'm sending you a big hug and lots of love.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((lionness))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

[lionness955]

Terry and Sarah thank you both so much. I makes a difference to know that others have been where I am and felt what I do. That all alone felling haunts me a lot, being able to tell myself I am not alone and knowing that statement is true is a lifesaver on dark nights. I do have my husband to help me out, I have been talking to him so that he understands what I am feeling.

A few years ago a Dr put me on some antidepressants and that was a total nightmare. Rather than make me feel better I was 100 times worse. I have always had a battle with bipolar and in the last few years have been able to manage it pretty good. Before that I did attempt suicide when I was at my lows. For those reasons my husband has always tried to shield me from things that he thinks might disrupt that balance. That is ice and comforting but on the same hand a hassle at times. When I would have a healthy normal cry he would fear the worst and never understood sometimes I cry as a way to wash away stress or worries that I cannot control. Since all this has happened with Clayton he is so fearful for the worst. I Would tell him how I was feeling but would often hide my crying as not to alarm him any more than needed be. I have finally been able to to talk to him about what is going on without him worrying. He is my husband but is not Clayton's father. So he tells me he  cannot imagine how I feel. Now that he and I have gotten the communication straight I feel better supported.

I've found myself a project to work on its helping me. I got together all of his pictures and scanned them on to my computer. I Am going trough and touching some of them up and editing them. Once I get them all together I am going to make a video journal of his life. Since I am a perfectionist and trying to make captions for some of the pics its going to take me a while.  I also found a stash of over 250 negatives that I had forgotten about that need reprinting. When I am working on this I smile thinking about all the funny things he used to do. If I get sad I click save and come back later, so much better than a scrapbook that has a mess to clean up. Honestly, today is the first day that I have not walked around feeling like I am in a fog.

Thank you all for your support it helps so much.

[LaVonne]

It is a tough road and we are here for you. Our lives have been forever changed and now we have to learn to live a whole different life and move forward withour our loved ones. We are in our own worlds sometimes and the pain of stepping outside that world we have made is too much for us. As we go down this journey we will find some peace but there is always a bump in the road that sets us back a step or two. I have been on this journey 12 1/2 yrs and it does become softer but you never forget. You learn to laugh again, but our children are always on our minds. There isn't a day that I do not think of my son and I always will. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.  LaVonne

[lionness955]

I've had something slowly eating at me for a little while now and I do not know how to sort it out. When Clayton passed I called all of my family and let them know and what the arrangements were. Not a one of them went to the funeral or burial. I do know that some people have a hard time going to them and that I would understand. But that is not the case here. I was always the one being dragged in to a funeral because I felt so bad for the people there that I felt really uncomfortable. I have several siblings and parents. I talked to my sister and just kind of skimmed over, saying something about my mother not going and she said well I would've  gone but we had things going on that day. I thought well if was important plans or something she just could not get out of that would be different. Later in the conversation I found they wanted to go to Yard Sales that Sat but ended getting aggravated at misleading signs at went home early. I did not say anything, as not to start and argument or anything. My family has never been a close knit bunch but when something was going on with someones illness or just a tough time we would all help the one in need. I just really feel hurt by that. Mostly I just do not understand why they would not want to say goodbye or at least pay respects.
Has anyone else had this happen and how did you handle it? I know with my family if I say something more than likely they will get bent out of shape and turn it around to where it is my fault. Mostly I just would them to know how it hurt me and what it would have meant for me to have them there by my side on one of the worst days of my life.

[LaVonne]

I can't even imagine the pain you are going thru. To not have family by your side as you say on the worst day of your life is hard to believe. I am very out spoken about my son and I would confront them but I don't know your family. I really would not want to see you hurt more. In my eyes this is unacceptable and To not have your mom with you on that day is horrible. If you think that by confronting them it would cause more pain for you please don't. That is a lot for you to handle and you need to take care of you right now. I guess maybe later I would say something so that they know how you feel. I have been down this road a long time and I will never let my family forget my son. If they change the subject like they used to I confront them and put them on the spot. I have become a very strong person and I took down the wall I had years ago and let people know exactly how I feel. To deal with your mom not coming to the funeral is so hard to understand and because of garage sales is way beyond me. This was her grandchild   I am sorry and please know You can come here and vent and let your emotions out here and we will all help you through this the best we can. I have always said I am not good with putting what I want to say into words but I try.  Your son will always be remembered and always loved. Sometimes Family can be so hurtful and I have no answer. I really don't understand. My family has been close and I guess it is hard for me to understand. My Husbands family is close also but they can be hurtful when they want. He came from a big family. You know them better than we do so you will know what to expect if you confront them. I don't want you to get hurt right now. Yopu really don't need any more pain. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers at this time.  LaVonne

[WendyRN]

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your son, Clayton.  Your loss is so new and the intensity of your emotions, your missing him, are so all encompassing, so completely raw.  I remember some of those feelings but most of the early stage of mourning is lost in a complete fog of pain and disbelief.  I remember the obsessive need of every moment of every day to protect my surviving two children....while at the same time being unable to concentrate on either with my mind filled only with Keith.  And the guilt.  I recognize your feelings of inability to cope and, to some extent, I still have many of those same feelings 3 1/2 years after the loss of my son, Keith.  But it does get easier.  NOBODY could sustain the intensity of the early days, weeks and months.  We learn to put one foot in front of the other and find a way to exist in a world we're not sure we want to be part of anymore.  But we do it.  We learn ways to cope, to care for ourselves.  We let in those family or friends who are willing and able to see us through our worst days. 
You have been dealt the most devastating blow and there is nothing to be done except mourn him, remember him, love him.  Honouring his memory with a video journal is a wonderful idea.  I finished something similar a year ago for my son.  I used a Photodex product to make a beautiful slide show of pictures, captions, and comments left by Keith's many family and friends on his memorial sites.  It was just what I needed to fill my hours and allow  me to dwell on all things Keith.  I spent hundreds of hours on what wound up being about a 1 1/2 hour production.

Your last post regarding your family's utter lack of anything resembling human compassion.......is totally inconceivable to me.  I have had some issues, of course, with different family members and "forever friends", but they pale in comparison to what you describe.  I am just so sorry you must deal with an emotional storm from family when you are filled to capacity with your loss of Clayton.  I hope you are able to find some clinical support for your grief.  As yet I have been unable to trust someone to HEAR me and have a tendency to keep it bottled and my emotions sometimes just explode out of me.  I keep saying I'm going to go, going to try.....try to find better ways of coping when it seems impossible.

Wishing you moments of peace on such a long and difficult journey.

Wendy, Keith's mom