Author Topic: New,,, Please Help Me  (Read 4597 times)

Momof3

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Re: New,,, Please Help Me
« Reply #15 on: March 28, 2011, 05:42:34 AM »
I am and have been in grief counseling for about 2 months and only continue to go for my oldest son Evan. I don't feel it is beneficial to me and it is more draining than not. Evan on the other hand seems to have opened up quite a bit which is what I was hoping for, but, about 2 weeks ago he told me he was going to kill himself,,,, he just kept screaming that he wants his brother back and he was only 10. I tried to hold him and comfort him and he just started punching and kicking the wall. I tried to contact the counselor and she was out of town. About 30 min after he said it he came to me and started hysterically sobbing telling me he was sorry for saying that. I know we talked for about 4 hours and I can only remember those words out of the whole day. I had to make a choice in May of last year on whether or not to allow Garrett to have scoliosis surgery. The curve was at 75% laying down and 80-85% sitting up,,,, it was crushing his right lung. I was told by two different doctors that if he didn't have the surgery he would eventually suffocate slowly. So after getting clearance from a cardiologist and his pediatrician we decided it would be best to give it a shot. He had it so severely that the incision was from the back of his neck to his bottom ..on July 21st 2010,,,,exactly five months before I lost him. Why didn't I get a fourth heck even a fifth opinion? I feel like I just handed his life over. He was getting back to normal and starting to move around like he was before and he was always such a bright happy kid that he would giggle through the pain. The world was definately more beautiful with him here. I shouldn't be left alone but need to be alone,, does that make any sense? Everyone here is so kind even through their own grief and I am grateful. I don't know if I can go for the rest of my life knowing that I can't be with all of my babies. I don't think I can continue to be a good mother to Evan and Madalyn. I feel so weak compared to everyone here. I have insomnia but want to be in bed. With a 3 yr old of course I can't stay there. I can't stop seeing my baby like I found him and replaying everything about it over and over again. I don't know. I feel selfish even talking about it on here considering what all of you are going through yourselves. To Taylors mom Brenda: our tater tots are together! I have never heard anyone else call their child tater tot so that made me smile. I am so sorry that the world has lost out on another wonderful child. To Martha Candi's aunt: I am so sorry for your loss as well and even though it may be a little different I can see some similarities to our grief,,, Garrett is home with me and I lay in his bed and have since the day I lost him,,, he is there with me. I don't know how any of you on here found it within yourselves to try to help others but I am glad you did. I really have to stop myself sometimes when I have ugly thoughts because I don't want to say anything crazy or that may hurt someone else. Much love to you all and again THANK YOU.
Garretts Mom

LaVonne

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Re: New,,, Please Help Me
« Reply #16 on: March 31, 2011, 04:17:06 PM »
I am sorry you are dealing with so much. It is so hard to lose our children.  I hope Evan keeps making progress with the Counselor. Please don't blame yourself and the if onlys will destroy you. I know been there saying if I only would have done this or this. We can't change it and we can't blame our selves. We can only love them and never forget them. I have a grandson that is Taylor and we call hin tator or tator tot. He is getting older now so doesn't like it. He has a twin sister and we used to call them tator and tot. sending my love and keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.  LaVonne