Dear Unsure,
Though, indeed, I cannot begin to understand just what you are going through, know that my heart is with you.
My mom drowned in a public pool with life-guards all around, with both my father and I there when I was 8 years old. She was the love of his life. And unlike what they say about an eight year old child's ability to comprehend death, I understood very well what had happened- maybe because I saw it happen.
As for my relationship with my father- it took nearly ten years for us to begin to talk about her. It was just too hard for him. But, when we did start talking about her, when we finally shared our grief, shared our love for her, he and I became the very best of friends. My relationship with him became the deepest experience of love I can imagine. Not that that love wasn't there the whole time, we just needed the time inbetween to begin to know how to express it, how to love each other when such a big part of 'us' was missing. And it's okay to take the time, no matter how long it needs to be- the love will be there the whole time.
As for my experience of her loss over the last 27 years... I don't even know where to begin. And I am currently mourning the loss of my father, who died of a long illness just 13 months ago. I can honestly say, neither of these is easy, each with its own unique pain. But because of this, because this is so new still, my grief for her is all tangled up with my grief for him. But, I can tell you, and maybe you've found this on your own, I've found Hope Edelman's book 'Motherless Daughters' extremely helpful. I go back to it again and again, have for years.
The most important messages I got from this book were these: 1) it's okay to grieve however you grieve for however long you grieve for, and 2) you will feel her absence throughout your life, and though it doesn't get easier, if you let yourself, you can learn how to live and be happy and thrive again.
One other tip- write, write about her, to her, write to your father when you feel you can't say it out loud (and keep it for yourself or give it him), write to me if you like, write it here, but write it down
Anytime you want to talk, I'm all yours.
Erin