Author Topic: Unsure  (Read 3194 times)

Alone83

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Unsure
« on: March 08, 2011, 10:39:49 AM »
Hi, I am new to this site.

I lost my Mum 14 months ago. She was killed in an accident in the mountains whilst on holiday a few days after Christmas. She was 58, I was 26. To say my world fell apart is a total understatement, it was such an utter shock, she was so alive and was always the first person I turned to in every situation. She was my support system and by far my biggest source of comfort and love.

I'm finding it really difficult as I feel totally alone. All my friends still have both their parents, many still have grandparents, so I have nobody to talk to. People who have come forward to say they have been in similar situations all lost a parent who was ill first, most for many many months, they had a chance to say goodbye, to prepare themselves, to grieve, and to get things in order. The only person who can understand is my dad, who was married to my mum for 35 years and as in love with her when she died as on their wedding day, but we seem unable to talk to each other, we just pretend everything is normal, and I think this is how we get by each day. We have become a lot closer since but it's still not the same, at all.

My friends were very supportive at first, but now they act like everything is normal. Some people seem surprised to hear that I'm not 'over it' yet, which absolutely kills me to hear. If I'm honest I still feel totally in denial. I don't really feel different at all, most of the time I don't feel sad, and I haven't had any sort of break down or days of sobbing or anything like that. But I don't talk about her either, or the accident so I don't know if that has something to do with it. I don't know if this is normal, or what to expect next. And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone, I don't really think there's much point as I'm not crying all over the place. The only difference in my mood seems to be this veil of indifference I now have, I just don't care about anything at all any more. I can't see any sort of future, no marriage or babies or anything important. I just don't care anymore. I have had some issues with anxiety attacks and breathing, but I have noticed other people mention this so I assume it's not uncommon.

Really I'm just looking for people to tell me what to expect. I'm pretty sure I can't feel this numb forever, she deserved more than that.


browneyedgirl

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #1 on: March 08, 2011, 12:55:39 PM »
Hello Alone83 ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother.

Welcome, I am sorry you have to be here.  I have not lost my parents, but I did lose my brother, almost 2 years ago. 

I can only offer you this.....nothing will ever be "normal" again.  For me, "normal" went right out the window.  I cannot tell you what to expect....and it doesn't get any easier, you just kind of accept it.

Please take care and come back and let us know how you are doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Terry

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #2 on: March 09, 2011, 10:42:34 AM »

Hi Alone, I'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I was also very young when my mother, very suddenly died at 48. The shock is so life-changing and it took me a very long time to believe that I would have to live without her. She was also full of life, loved life and was my best friend, my babysitter and my mother. I miss her everyday and I always will. I am 58 now, just turned on March 6th and I can't believe all of this time has gone by without her in it.

Others will not understand and that's human nature and not much you can do about it. Just know that we here understand the pain from a great loss in our lives. Take it one day at a time because right now it's really too soon to think about much else.

Regarding your Dad as my heart goes out to him, too; Although words are few right now, maybe just a big hug and let him know you may not understand 'his' pain, just as he does not understand 'yours', but you are there for each other and in the best way right now. We all need to be touched, especially when grieving. Lots of hugs is the way we get through each day. Words are not important.

You asked what can you expect? This is your grief and very unique as you are and you own your feelings so all your feelings are OK. Whether they be numb or deep pain....it's all OK and I wouldn't expect anything. Please don't think you're letting your mother down by feeling numb. Numb is a defense mechanism that protects us from that intense pain that follows the shock of losing someone. It won't last forever. Just take good physical care of you and try to rest and even exercise if you are able. Maybe taking long walks to commune with nature. It's sounds and beauty wrap around you to let you know you are a part of something so grand, so mysterious and so eternal.

Welcome to Webhealing and I'm glad you found us. I know you will find comfort, support and love here. This is a wonderful group of people and we all have one common bond; we are struggling to rebuild our lives after a devastating loss.

Come back and post as you are comfortable doing so. It helps! Know we care here, very much.

You'll never be 'Alone' here.

My Love,
Terry

emc2

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #3 on: March 09, 2011, 05:19:48 PM »
Dear Unsure,
Though, indeed, I cannot begin to understand just what you are going through, know that my heart is with you. 
My mom drowned in a public pool with life-guards all around, with both my father and I there when I was 8 years old.  She was the love of his life.  And unlike what they say about an eight year old child's ability to comprehend death, I understood very well what had happened- maybe because I saw it happen. 
As for my relationship with my father- it took nearly ten years for us to begin to talk about her.  It was just too hard for him.  But, when we did start talking about her, when we finally shared our grief, shared our love for her, he and I became the very best of friends.  My relationship with him became the deepest experience of love I can imagine.  Not that that love wasn't there the whole time, we just needed the time inbetween to begin to know how to express it, how to love each other when such a big part of 'us' was missing.  And it's okay to take the time, no matter how long it needs to be- the love will be there the whole time.
As for my experience of her loss over the last 27 years... I don't even know where to begin.  And I am currently mourning the loss of my father, who died of a long illness just 13 months ago.  I can honestly say, neither of these is easy, each with its own unique pain.  But because of this, because this is so new still, my grief for her is all tangled up with my grief for him.  But, I can tell you, and maybe you've found this on your own, I've found Hope Edelman's book 'Motherless Daughters' extremely helpful.  I go back to it again and again, have for years. 
The most important messages I got from this book were these: 1) it's okay to grieve however you grieve for however long you grieve for, and 2) you will feel her absence throughout your life, and though it doesn't get easier, if you let yourself, you can learn how to live and be happy and thrive again. 
One other tip- write, write about her, to her, write to your father when you feel you can't say it out loud (and keep it for yourself or give it him), write to me if you like, write it here, but write it down
Anytime you want to talk, I'm all yours.
Erin

gloria61

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #4 on: March 21, 2011, 08:29:32 PM »
Dear Unsure,

I know how hard it is to loose a parent; I lost my father in 1989, my mother in 2006, and my son last October 9, 2010.

Even though is has been over 20 years since my dad died I still miss him so much. I watched him suffer with cancer for months, and as badly as I needed him, and wanted him to be there forever I know I had to let go. But there isn't a day that I don't have at least on thought of him. I know I shouldn't say this but his death was harder then my mothers because I was "daddy's little girl”

I miss my mother also, but for some reason my dad's death was and still is harder. She passed very quickly from a heart attack, maybe that’s why, I don’t know. The hardest one I am trying daily to deal with is my son. He was only 25 years old. He attempted suicide while being held in jail, but was left on life support for a week, and when we removed the life support he lingered for ten hours where I sat holding his hand. The hardest thing I have ever done was to watch my child, the son I gave life to take his last breath.

To my utter horror I have recently discovered another young man took his life in the same jail only 4 months after my son. Their deaths were not related, but to find out that yet another young life has ended in the same place makes me so angry, and even though I will never "get over" my son's death, because another young man has died has only resurrected my despair but twice-fold.

I have written many posting here on web healing and there are many people out there feeling the way we do. I don’t post as frequently as I did in the first month or two, but I do come back to read postings and it helps me not feel so alone in this.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. Please take care of yourself

Tina


My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

sissy

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #5 on: June 11, 2011, 07:40:40 PM »
it's been a couple of months since i have visited this site.....not quite sure why .... but when i read your words it really brought alot of intense emotion that i guess i haven't been feeling for some time....haven't been feeling much of anything in the last couple of months.
i'm so sorry for your loss....i do understand, i lost my "bestest friend" last september (28th) and nothing seems to make sense anymore.....like you, my mom was my everything.....and the "flavor of life" just seems to have left me. on the surface i probably seem ok, but i am the manager of a retail store and i guess i have learned through the years how to put on my game face......but there are moments when i look around, and wonder, how can life  continue to go on so "normally" when the most beautiful person in my life (and so many others) is no longer here to share it.....she was so alive and had so much love....
i'm trying to find something....anything......that will make me feel again....
so, while i'm not cornering the market on sadness.....i really do understand....and i hope for all of us....that it does get easier....
take care of yourself - sissy  -




Terry

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Re: Unsure
« Reply #6 on: June 11, 2011, 11:50:52 PM »

So nice to see your post, Sissy. I have been thinking about you and wondering how you were doing.

......but there are moments when i look around, and wonder, how can life  continue to go on so "normally" when the most beautiful person in my life (and so many others) is no longer here to share it.....


I understand. :(

Sending hugs ((((((((((((((((Sissy)))))))))))))))

Love,
Terry