Irene,
Wow, I'm so sorry! I find it interesting that you are just supposed to act as if he never had this conversation. How could it not stress you out? You can't "un say" words, you can't take them back so if he was just venting, then that was pretty selfish of him. I find the whole situation selfish.. You have 3 kids to think about. This move would affect them in a huge way, not to mention yours. It isn't just his life that would change if you all picked up and moved. He needs to think of all involved, not just himself.
On the other hand, he does sound stressed and depressed (he would be sorry if you got hit by a car sounds like he is emotionally drained , worn out and shut down). If he hates his job he may be catastrophizing his entire life... in other words, "I hate my job so therefore I need to change EVERYTHING about my life". No, you just need to change your job, the one thing that is stressing him out. Doggone that all or nothing thinking pattern!
Encourage him to look for something else, and once he settles into a new job then he can evaluate the rest of his life. One change at a time. I suspect once he gets rid of the crummy job, the rest of his world won't look so grim.
I have been there as well, yrs ago, over generalizing my life when I am in a job that I hate. Once I got a new job my attitude changed, my stress level improved, and so did my outlook, and most importantly my HOPE. I think he's lost the hope in his life and situation, being a middle aged man, the main bread winner, stuck in a job he hates not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, working to make ends meet and having very little fun.
It reminds me of a story our pastor told one Sunday from the pulpit. He said a man complained to his co-worker about his lunch. " peanut butter and jelly every day, hand full of chips, water, and an apple" "Ugh, the man said... I get so tired of this! So bored with this! The co-worker turned to him and asked "well who packs your lunch?" and the man said "I do".
The point is, if hubby needs some fun in his life, then he is the only one who can change that....not you. He needs to be able to plan a family trip, a weekend get away, a guys night out or a movie night out with you. And he needs to do this on a regular basis. Life gets out of balance when we are all work and no play. That out of balance life increases stress levels and burn -out faster than anything. I think a vacation is what everyone needs. The family just needs to laugh together with no pager, cell phone or lap tops.
The good news is, he trusted you enough to vent to you and He didnt say he was leaving. If you beg him to talk when he isnt ready, it will push him away and shut him down. Ask him what you can do to help him through this, what does he need right now to emotionally get through this confusing time for him and for you? And then be that supportive wife, standing by his side, but keeping him reasonable and grounded as best you can.
Get support here andfrom friends as you work through this with him. And encourage him to go see a counselor to help him sort it all out. And you also.
I just had a client today who moved half way across the US 6 weeks ago, at age 65 just to be with her high school sweetheart that she barely knows. She moved from her house, from the state she loved, from the counselor she loved, from the friends that she loved, her comfort zone etc etc, to come to unknown territory. Now she's depressed and emotionally unstable. HMM, I wonder why.
Major multiple changes are never good, even when we ask for them and bring them on ourselves. One step at a time husband. One change, one problem at a time. Slow down dude!
Hugs to you my friend. Keep posting. I'm here for ya!
LaurenE