Author Topic: Still feel lost  (Read 10362 times)

tootie223

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Still feel lost
« on: February 26, 2011, 07:00:02 PM »
Hello

    This is my first time to post here. I have read many others over the past year. It does help somewhat to know others are feeling lost too.

   I lost my husband of 35 years one and half years ago. It was an accident. I went to work one morning and he was here. I got home just in time for the paramedics to pronounce him dead. I never got to say good-bye. I still think about him all the time and am so depressed. Does it ever let up? I see him everywhere. I go to work and come home. That is my day. I live in an isolated area. Far from a town and my only child lives about 3 hours away. He tries to help, but it not the same. I know losing your father is a hard thing to over come, but I lost my best friend. I miss his face so much and the sound of his voice. I started writing a continuous letter to him. I donít know if that is a good thing to do, but I feel like maybe he knows I write it. And it makes me feel like I am talking to him. It that crazy? I feel like my whole world is gone and I donít see it changing.

   I just want to know when does it stop hurting so much. Will there be a day I can get through without crying?

   Thank you for letting me post here and giving me a place to vent.

Tootie223

SarahW

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #1 on: February 27, 2011, 09:19:20 AM »
Hello

    This is my first time to post here. I have read many others over the past year. It does help somewhat to know others are feeling lost too.

   I lost my husband of 35 years one and half years ago. It was an accident. I went to work one morning and he was here. I got home just in time for the paramedics to pronounce him dead. I never got to say good-bye. I still think about him all the time and am so depressed. Does it ever let up? I see him everywhere. I go to work and come home. That is my day. I live in an isolated area. Far from a town and my only child lives about 3 hours away. He tries to help, but it not the same. I know losing your father is a hard thing to over come, but I lost my best friend. I miss his face so much and the sound of his voice. I started writing a continuous letter to him. I donít know if that is a good thing to do, but I feel like maybe he knows I write it. And it makes me feel like I am talking to him. It that crazy? I feel like my whole world is gone and I donít see it changing.

   I just want to know when does it stop hurting so much. Will there be a day I can get through without crying?

   Thank you for letting me post here and giving me a place to vent.

Tootie223

Hi, Tootie.  Sorry to hear about your tragic loss.

I came to this forum after I lost my son (my only child, he was 29) about 1 and half years ago.  But I lost my husband many years ago, when my son was a baby.

I remember that I wrote to my husband quite a bit for several years after his death, especially to tell him how our baby was doing.  It helped me feel better.  I don't think there is anything wrong with it.

I did it with less and less frequency over the years, but I never really completely stopped doing it.  And I write to my son all the time right now - at least once a week, often more than that.

One lesson I learned from my husband's death was how much having an "outside concern" (for lack of a better term) helps.  Having my baby was a huge help because I couldn't dwell on the death or my pain.  He needed me and was a very cheery, energetic baby, so I had to keep up.

I don't know if there is anything you can do about your isolation, but if you feel up to it, you could try getting involved in something that interests you and that would provide an "outside concern."  Since I lost my son, I am now working on getting certified for foster care, hoping that will help me.

Don't know what the options are in your area, or what your interests are, or if you feel ready to start venturing out.  You are right that the world you knew is gone - and it takes time, and it really hurts, to accept that and start building your new world.

Take as much time as you need, but if you start to feel like you are really sinking in too deeply to ever come back up, consider a professional counselor (or minister or priest) that you can talk to regularly.  I have a counselor and it has helped me, and being able to come here and vent, as you say.  Take advantage of any outlets you might have.

My sympathies to you for such a sudden and major loss.  Please take care of yourself and let us know how you are doing.  I know it takes some courage to post here for the first time, but I think you are doing the right thing reaching out to those who truly understand what you are going through.

And your sharing helps us all feel less alone.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Terry

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #2 on: February 27, 2011, 01:39:22 PM »

     I live in an isolated area. Far from a town and my only child lives about 3 hours away. He tries to help, but it not the same. I know losing your father is a hard thing to over come, but I lost my best friend.

Hi Tootie, I also live in the country and it is isolated from the mayhem that the city's people/traffic bring and I love it! Have you tried taking advantage of the isolation and bringing more of what you love into your area, into your home....into your life? Nature is so calming. Knowing we are a part of something so grand and it's beauty and mysteries are never-ending; that knowing can be very peaceful. And, humbling.

Do you take walks? Maybe a long walk everyday collecting leaves, pine cones, stones; taking pictures of the path you are on and how it changes from season to season. Start a scrapbook with all of your favorite things and include your husband's pictures in some of the shots that may remind you of him. Talk to him as you walk. He is always with you. When you start to enjoy your walks, your heart will be at rest and your mind still. It's in this stillness that you will hear him.

A year and a half is still very early while grieving a great loss. In time and that time varies for us all as it is as unique as we are, you will be able to hear life calling for you to rejoin it. It is a long process. Try to take one day at a time and accomplish something, regardless of how insignificant it may seem at the time. I always look for something beautiful in each day.

I've accepted, through all of my losses that the pain from missing them will never go away. I don't expect it to. With each loss, when I accepted this fact, the pain became tolerable and I was able to find happiness and enjoy my life. The hole in my heart is always there. The love I give and receive from others, has not only saved my life; it continues to fill my life with hope.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Welcome to Webhealing and know we care here, very much. Keep posting. It helps!

((((((((((((((((Tootie)))))))))))))

My Love,
Terry

ezwalker

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #3 on: February 28, 2011, 04:07:38 PM »
Dear Tootie:
I lost my husband of 28 years a week ago last Friday.   (2/18).  I don't know how you're doing it being all alone.  I find that I stay at work later and later so I don't have to go home to an empty house.  I have to keep working because my husband was sick for over 10 years.  He died from cancer, but he had a stroke in '01 and then he was laid off because he wasn't as sharp as before, and then he lost all of his benefits.  He was not able to get life or health insurance after that so I will have to work for the rest of my life to pay the bills.  Life has no color or joy for me any more, and I'm having a lot of trouble concentrating at work.  I hope I don't lose my job.  I stayed home the last three weeks of his life to take care of him with the help of hospice and I had to watch him suffer. But I also got to say goodbye.  I was relieved the day he died, but now I feel empty, and guilty about feeling relieved, along with so many other things.  One thing was that I made him take a shower three weeks before he died because he wet the bed.  He was already bedridden, but I carried him in there because he was so skinny by then from the cancer, and held him in there so he could be cleaned.  I wrapped him in a towel and had him sit up for a few minutes while I cleaned his bed.  He wasn't strong enough to handle this, and I feel bad that I put him through it, but I didn't know what else to do.  It was the weekend and nobody was available to help.  That's one example of what I feel bad about.  I also feel bad about bitching at him for little things and I wish I could take that back.  I also bitched at him for not having taken the initiative to buy insurance so we'd be taken care of after his death.  That was a shitty thing to do, and I feel bad for that.  My biggest mistake was that I threw away something right after he died that he wanted to give to our son.  That was a big screw up.  I didn't do it on purpose, but I was in shock and I just wanted to not see his things because it hurt too bad.  I guess I was surprised at how bad I was hurting that day because I feel like I really did have time to prepare...but it hurts no matter what.  I find that I panic a lot, and I run around the house talking to him, and screaming Bob.  The dogs think I'm nuts.  Maybe I am.  I read your warm note about your dear husband and it touched me greatly.  I wish you peace, and please know that my heart goes out to you.  I had time to prepare for my loss because Bob was sick for such a long time, and I got to say goodbye over several days and months.  You didn't get to do that, and I think that's probably why you're having such a hard time.  It was a terrible shock, way worse than what I had to deal with.  You've been through a lot and I commend your strength.  Thanks for sharing your story.  I wish you the very best you dear, strong woman!  I'm going to start grief therapy on 3/15 because I feel like I'm losing my mind.  I'll let you know how it goes.  Best to you dear Tootie.  Sincerely, Elaine

tootie223

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #4 on: February 28, 2011, 10:41:49 PM »
To Sarah, Terry and Elaine,
   I want to thank all of you for your responses. I find comfort knowing I am not crazy and so alone. It helps corresponding to others that have been through it.
   Sarah, to loose a child must be the most unbearable thing to handle. I wish I had your strength.
   Elaine, I can't believe you can post so early into your grief time. It took me a year to get the guts to do it.  You should not feel guilty about anything. It sounds like you were devoted to your husband and did what you could for him. I am sure he understood what you were doing and the pressure of it all. I hope the grief therapy helps you. I think getting mixed up and having panic times is part of it all. I still do it. I think we depend on our hubbys so much for ideas and solutions that it feels overwhelming to have to do it by ourselves.
   Keep up the posting and let us know how you are doing

Truly,
Tootie223

ezwalker

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #5 on: March 04, 2011, 09:32:27 AM »
Hi Tootie:
I haven't forgotten about you.  My daughter is getting married tomorrow and I've been too busy to grieve.  I went to the grief counselor at the hospice that helped with in-home care of Bob and she said I had to put my grief on the shelf and take it off for an hour a day until after the wedding.  Have you ever heard of anything so stupid in your life?  Well  our baby girl is getting married, and she tried so hard to make it at a time where her daddy could be there.  I'm just looking forward to not being alone for another weekend, my son and grand-kids are coming in from St. Louis to be in the wedding.  Tootie, I guess I can talk about it on this blog so soon because I work in IT and I'm used to sending messages to my co-workers every day and on a regular basis, and also because I had a lot of time to prepare.  That doesn't mean I'm not in shock now, and that also doesn't mean that I am not surprised with the level of my sadness and despair.  I had no idea that I would be this affected.  I knew I'd be sad, but this is way worse than I thought.  I'm used to handling everything, and I had to stay strong for Bob.  I only broke down in front of him a couple of times, and I could tell it upset him pretty much.  So I stayed strong, and when he said he wanted to die I tried to be cheerful.  I made sure he had a chaplain and a priest, and took care to attend to his every need.  I tried to make him happy, but how happy can you be when you know you're going to die.  Just tragic.  Life goes on, but not for my sweet Bob.   I sure hope there is a heaven.  I just can't believe he's gone.  I walk by his room and my heart breaks every time.  But I walk by his ashes and it gives me peace.  What's up with that?  Have a wonderful weekend Tootie.  I'll stay in touch.  Love, Elaine

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #6 on: March 08, 2011, 03:19:07 PM »
Tootie ~ how are you doing ?

Elaine ~ how are you doing?

My thoughts are with you both. 

Tony Repola 07/20/66 Ė 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

tootie223

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #7 on: March 10, 2011, 08:22:57 PM »
Hi all,
   Elaine I hope the wedding with great. Having company for the weekend should have really helped. I think itís the quiet that is really hard to handle.
   Shelving your grief? Never heard of such a thing. Do you have to make a schedule to deal with it? Maybe I should not be making comments, I have not been to a counselor. I think I would have a hard time talking to someone face to face. Especially someone I donít know.  But I hope you get out of it something that can help you.
   I am looking forward to another weekend of not much. I try to think of things to do, but were I live there isnít much to do. Kind of isolated.

   Well keep in touch and Hello brown eyed girl. Thanks for keeping us in your thoughts,
Tootie

cewilso

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #8 on: March 15, 2011, 11:43:05 PM »
Hello all - I hope you don't mind if I intrude.  I have been reading and I want to thank you for sharing.  Carolyn
Carolyn

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #9 on: March 16, 2011, 09:03:56 AM »
Hello Carolyn ~

Welcome to Webhealing. 

Please feel free to start a new thread if you like sharing your story.

There are lots of people who care here.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 Ė 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

johnkmurray

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #10 on: March 18, 2011, 09:53:52 AM »
I think itís the quiet that is really hard to handle.Tootie

You said it! I sit here at home with only the pets for company and the memories, good and bad, start flooding in. Some days it feels like the walls are closing in. I'm ok when out and about with friends, or among people. While I'm engaged with people I am my usual sociable self. I have to force myself to accept invitations because very often I just want to be left alone, even though I know that will just bring on the tears. I know I can't hide from the world .. I just wanna sometimes!

John

browneyedgirl

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2011, 12:22:09 PM »
(((John)))

I know the feeling, I wanted to crawl into a hole for quite sometime, and sometimes I just want to stay under the covers.....
Tony Repola 07/20/66 Ė 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

tootie223

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2011, 06:19:09 PM »
     John, you say you can socialize okay? I can somewhat. But as nice as my friends are, I feel like a third wheel. Itís nothing they do, itís just me. All of our friends are married and maybe itís just the feeling of not belonging to anyone. I go to work and carry on the day communicating with people but that is usually one on one basis. But when there is old friends together there is just someone missing, my best friend. I hope I can get over this sometime. But like you sometimes is just easier to stay inside.

   Tootie

Terry

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #13 on: March 20, 2011, 12:40:58 AM »
Hi Carolyn,

Welcome to Webhealing. It's helpful to read as you no longer feel that you're alone through this time in your life. Thanks for sharing that!

And, when you're comfortable doing so, I look forward to hearing your story.

Sending hugs and love to you,

((((((((((((((Carolyn)))))))))))))

Terry

mousewife

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Re: Still feel lost
« Reply #14 on: March 26, 2011, 11:07:59 AM »
Sorry for all who have lost a spouse recently,  I understand the lost feeling.  Even after four years I sometimes still feel this way. And, though it is hard to hear, I don't think there is really a way to "get over it".  It's more like learning to live with the loss and still find meaning, purpose and enjoyment in life.  In other words, creating a new life that we can be happy with.  It's not the same kind of happiness we had with our previous lives with our spouses, hopefully we find a way to have a good life filled with interesting things and things that make us happy.

It takes time to create a whole new life, and sometimes we take some steps backwords.  As long as we don't stop trying, I think we are doing well.

Peace and Healing,
mousewife