I could recite almost line for line and verse for verse everything that happened from the day we found Jason to 6 years ago today when we buried him. Did I ever tell you that on that day my sister said she was going to buy flowers to throw in the grave and did I want one. She never asked if it was ok. She just did what she did as she always does. I said no and I was pissed. She was pissed I believe that I did not ask her to speak. To tell u the truth, it never dawned on me. His friends were the ones he would have wanted and they wanted to do it for him and us. well, it is 6 years and I have not heard word one from her for about 5.5. One would think that since we knew what our mother went through losing our brother she would have some empathy. Nothing. Our daughter had her baby and they have not heard a word. If someone on here could explain heartlessness and coldness, lack of compassion and pure selfishness so I could understand it. Many people have said I should call her and find out what "I" did to make her stop talking to us. Hell will freeze over before I ever pick up the phone. Am I cynical u bet your booty. Any thoughts and have any of you had the same experiences.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Interesting that we (you and Terry and I) have had some similar experiences. I'll bet everyone has some experiences like this . . . who doesn't have a dysfunctional family?
Let me say this: I don't think you are being cynical, Rebecca.
I think you are being realistic and protecting yourself from hurt and harm.Yes, there are people who think we should be
thinking of them and their feelings after we suffer the most brutal blow imaginable.
I cannot imagine doing this to someone else. I cannot imagine "being mad" at a mother who had just lost her child, because she didn't think to ask me to speak, or . . . whatever.
A mother who has just lost her child is not thinking OF YOU!! She isn't worrying about you or your feelings. How can you expect her to be thinking OF YOU??
What kind of people get angry because a newly bereaved mother is not thinking of them or their feelings?
Unfortunately, it no longer surprises me to hear this kind of thing. I have tried to understand it, and here's my theory:
Tragedy brings out the best and the worst in people - sometimes at the same time in the same person. The Big Moments starkly reveal strengths, and flaws.
Some people are very immature and self-centered, and they need to make everything about them. This will show up most obviously in times of great stress - you stress something? The cracks show.
With people like this, the important thing isn't how to properly honor the person who passed away, or how best to support the bereaved. Instead, in their heads, the most important thing is whether they themselves are being properly honored.
Unbelievable, but true.
Maybe it's a way to keep from facing the true tragedy? Maybe they feel inadequate to deal with the actual, central tragedy . . . much easier to make this one more occasion that should be "all about me?"
Don't know.
I had experiences like this from siblings and close family members when my parents died, when my husband died, and when my son died.
Do not waste your time or energy being resentful or vengeful . . . that just hurts you. But don't waste your time trying to make amends either. You need to take care of yourself and surround yourself with those who know how to love.
You aren't being cynical. You're being smart and you are taking care of you - which you absolutely have to do.
Some people just plain don't know how to love. It is sad for those of us who are family members or friends; it is sad for those of us who have loved them. But it is most sad for them.
Sorry you have to deal with this, but know you are not alone - and you are doing the right thing in not reaching out.
Why reach out when you know you are going to get your hand bitten? You don't need that.
Well, you really got me going! Best wishes, Rebecca. Know that there are people here who understand.