Deep grief, deep joy -

[Rebecca]

I am in a place now where it is Feb. My most hated month of the year. Feb. 13 will be 6 years that we found Jason.  I am still brought to my knees remembering, missing, smelling cigarette smoke, looking at his picture.  At the same time, I am in complete utter joy and peace as we get ready to drive to see our 6 week old granddaughter.  We have not missed a weekend, I know that will slow down but now, she takes my heart and holds it in her little hands.  But then there is Jason, who will never, in the physical sense know her.  I tell her, I show her pictures, but she will not know him.  But how can I justify both feelings.  My brain goes from one to another... help, some of you further along this road most probably have or have had these feelings.  The truth be known, I feel guilty.
Love, Rebecca Jason's MOm

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

((Rebecca)) My heart aches for you feeling like I understand your words of deep grief and deep joy and the feeling of guilt. However I am overjoyed to read that you feel joy and peace with your precious granddaughter and hopefully through her Jason's love and gifts will come through to you.
XO Paula

[LaVonne]

Rebecca:  I know how you feel and for me it got better. The grandchildren are my whole life and they bring me complete joy. I feel in my heart that Jason sent them to me after he died. I would hope he is with them always.
  I can not bring Jae back but I can enjoy what I have here and I feel I must to be able to live again. I enjoy them totally and live for the times I see them.  They have taken total control of my heart and They are my life. Jason will always be a part of our lives and the grandkids and I go to the grave and talk to him. We always talk about him and he will always be remembered but I for me have to live for what I have left he. They are alive and full of life and I enjoy every minute with them. There was a time I felt as you do but my surviving son told me I needed to live for the living and no matter what I did I could never bring Jason back. I now know that is so true, but he will never be forgotten. I shed many tears for him but in my own time and space.  Just know I care and think of you often.  LaVonne