Paula, I have to say that I feel the same as you. I've been through my share over the years....though no childhood abuse...but some similar things. Sarah's death has just brought me to my knees and as much as I struggle to exist, I see no way to make it through this life without her. Don't get me wrong, but after a year and a half of trying to "check out", I know that's not an option. As sick as it is to say, I can only hope that I don't have much time left here, no matter what the cause, it just can't be my decision.
I have four other children and six grandchildren, 3 of them are Sarah's. You would think this would make me want to live but it does not. My family has been completely destroyed and feels non-existent. I thought it would get better but it has only gotten worse in these two years. I have little or no communication with my other 3 grandchildren because of this. All of my efforts have been hopeless. Sarah's 2 oldest are with their dad and he is clueless and his only concern is himself. I do see them and Adrienne who is 10 now is a mess. I fear for her future. Sarah's ex will not do anything for this little girl who was so traumatized that morning. I do what I can but she has so much anger and the influence that I had when Sarah was here is overshadowed by her dad and other grandmother who are oblivious to her pain. It is so upsetting to see the neglect with both of them and there is not a thing I can do about it. Lucas who was 10 mos. when she died will be turning 3 this month. My last attempt to see him was ignored by his father. Between this shell of a life and the guilt, sadness and not knowing why she died or if her boyfriend was involved is too much.
I am a complete and total mess. I can't cope with any stress at all. I have had 5 jobs in the last 2 years and have quit them all because I just can't handle it. I am bombarded with "brain shocks", which I call the moments of true realization that she is gone. I thought they were gone but surfaced right before Christmas and have continued. The replaying of the time from the phone call and days after continue to be a destructive force in my mind. Sirens bother me, I can't go anywhere close to the area that she lived or shopped without taking something and the smallest thing can cause an outburst of tears or lashing out. I was watching "American Idol" out of boredom a couple of weeks ago. One of the contestants was a sweet young man who had been engaged when his fiance was in a bad car wreck. She was in a coma for a month with severe brain damage and even though the doctors told them that she most likely would not come out of it she did. She has apparent brain damage and her mother and fiance now take care of her. I was a complete and utter mess after seeing this. Sarah was not in a coma but it was apparent that she had brain damage. The doctors repeatedly told me that there was no hope for her but I kept telling them that I wanted to wait. Nurses almost every day would report that they saw "purposeful movement" or response from her but the doctors would say no. One time when she was not heavily sedated, she looked right at me and the look of recognition was there. Everyone loved her smile.....her eyes would kind of crinkle around the outside. For a moment then, I saw not a smile but the crinkle. I am sick that I made the decision to let her go. If I had know then what I know now, I never would have let her go. I would have given her a chance. No matter what the outcome, I alone made that decision and took her earthly existence away. I would have gladly cared for her the rest of my life if there was a chance that she could have had moments of joy. Her children would have been her inspiration and the impact that having her here, regardless, could have changed everything for them...for all of us. I believed the doctors at that time but no longer wish I would have listened since I have learned so much since about brain injury.
I will never know what happened. The hospital did not do any tests besides an initial ua, which showed positive in 2 categories, both prescriptions that she was taking. No blood work to determine exactly what and the levels. The police that responded to the call reported to detectives who came to the hospital that her boyfriend was being evasive and acting strangely never did anything more. He had a domestic abuse charge against her just a short time before, was on probation and had a documented legal history of anger issues. She had just started a new job and was so happy about it. She also planned to get out of her relationship with him.
I know this is really long winded. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I don't post that much and sometimes I can't even read.......too painful. When I do, your posts, more times than not, hit home.
I care,
Jamie