Author Topic: PTSD  (Read 7220 times)

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: PTSD
« Reply #15 on: February 03, 2011, 10:12:55 AM »
So much of me Terry just wants the pain to stop. Why is it not acceptable to say I had enough, I love you all, but I just don't want to do this anymore?

It's not the answer for me, personally. I'm not going to write you a "preach speech" and list all of my reasons why I don't feel it's the answer because it's not going to help you, the way you're feeling. I know the pain is awful and at times we can feel hopeless and honestly believe that there will never be any relief from it. Why else would someone consider "checking out?" From all those who have shared with me, they have felt this way and that is all I have to go by regarding one taking their own life. Is this awful pain something we learn to live with? I can answer yes to that. It never feels good because burying a child....never feels good. There is, however a lessening of it's intensity and it becomes manageable to the point where we are "living again" and not merely surviving. How long that takes varies from person to person and so many factors that are complicating our chances of our desire to rejoin life again also play a major role.

I am having a very difficult time right now watching my Father deteriorate before my eyes and there is nothing I can do about it. I've been bouncing from acceptance (my Father is going to die) and maybe this new drug will prolong his life. (denial) I've been here before...many times with so many family members and the most difficult was watching Michelle die. And, with every situation there were outside stressors that greatly complicated/clouded my view, my understanding to be able to better deal with the emotions involved.

It's too easy to become overwhelmed and once that happens, we're standing still, being pushed from side to side, spun around unable to catch our breaths and then nothing can get accomplished.
I've found grief to be very complicated in the sense that we need to devote so much time to our hearts and every day, regardless of what else is going on in our lives. It's very hard to do this but it's necessary to be able to work through our grief if we're going to ever have a chance of coming out on the other side.

The reason I've always lived by the serenity prayer. Those words have saved me many a day, many a night. And, the reason I am still standing after all I've been through. I don't fight against what I cannot change. It would be the same as hitting my head (over and over again) against a brick wall. There is no light at the end of that tunnel.

Grief work is very hard work. Living without our children is very hard work. We do it one day, one hour and one moment at a time and we try, ever so hard not to become overwhelmed with our everyday problems/issues with others. There is only so much we can do for others. Letting go is also probably one of the hardest things we learn to do regarding family. They have to do their own work to make it through this life because we can't be expected to do theirs and ours and still be productive.

Again, it's just too easy and very destructive to become overwhelmed because if we're standing still, we can never move forward and our lives become a chaotic mess, hurting not helping those around us.

I've read many times where others sharing will use terms such as "recovery" and "soft" (be the pain) and you won't see me use these words/phrases because I don't believe we ever "recover" from losing a child since we don't have an illness/condition. And, I could never use the word "soft" when referring to the pain of child loss. I choose to use the word "different" as it applies to me, personally. Time does create a different feeling. A different way of looking at life. We grow in a different direction. That word has new meaning for me and I can just share what works for me and how I feel regarding the pain.

Hold on, Paula and know that it really does take many years to start seeing that glimmer of light that gives us hope of it becoming brighter one day. I found that taking one "issue" or problem at a time and dealing with it until I was able to let it go, helped. There are times when I was unable to take on others problems/issues as I am only one person. When I 'did' attempt this, I fell and hard. I have always taken on more than I can handle. But, no more. I learned the hard way and it cost me.

There is Hope, Paula and it comes in many forms. Trust your own instincts. Follow your heart and know that better days are coming.

My Love,
Terry
« Last Edit: July 30, 2012, 09:26:00 AM by Terry »

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: PTSD
« Reply #16 on: February 03, 2011, 11:13:23 AM »
Thanks Terry. By yesterday morning I was at a terrible low and thought about checking into a hospital. But then I went into a shower to physically and spiritually cleanse and decide to take my own action on trying to "snap out of it". It helped. I really don't know why, maybe I was just ready for the wallowing to be over, at least at this moment. Today is a better day, I did not have a sobbing, helpless morning, I went out to my yoga class and now am going to think and be productive. As the journey goes up and down some time it goes down so far it feels like there is no going back up. Today is a new moment and I feel like I can "go up".
XO Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: PTSD
« Reply #17 on: February 03, 2011, 12:18:29 PM »
Today is a new moment and I feel like I can "go up".


(((((((((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))))))) :)
« Last Edit: July 30, 2012, 09:25:39 AM by Terry »

jsdaa

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Re: PTSD
« Reply #18 on: February 03, 2011, 01:06:18 PM »
Reading my previous posts, I've decided that they have almost become my journal......my thoughts, emotion and experiences which I cannot express freely in my life are flowing out of my heart and soul.  I do not understand this life anymore.  I can only believe that any strength I have is coming from somewhere else.  I used to be such a strong person but now feel like a baby learning to walk though I fall more than I take steps. 

Paula, I am glad that you are having a better day today.  Thank you for your heartfelt message.  I have often wondered what I did wrong in this world to deserve losing a child as though I am being punished.  I have determined that I may not have done everything right but I did the absolute best that I could.  That is the one and only thing I know.  I just don't understand why any one of us should ever lose a child.  Love to you

Terry,
I love you.  Your strength is beyond comprehension.  You are such an inspiration and bring hope to the rest of us.  I know it is hard for you to see your father deteriorate but your love for him is everything and he knows it.

To everyone else, the choices that we were forced to make or were made for us are the worst.  At least for me.  I don't think I will ever be able to be at peace with my decision but once again, I have to live with that and nothing is going to bring her back.  Hugs to you, hugs to all of you.

6/25/80-12/25/08

Terry

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Re: PTSD
« Reply #19 on: February 04, 2011, 09:53:49 AM »
Reading my previous posts, I've decided that they have almost become my journal......my thoughts, emotion and experiences which I cannot express freely in my life are flowing out of my heart and soul.  I do not understand this life anymore.  I can only believe that any strength I have is coming from somewhere else.  I used to be such a strong person but now feel like a baby learning to walk though I fall more than I take steps. 


I feel the same and the reason I have always printed out my posts and kept them in a folder to read every now and then. The ones I forgot to print, I miss more than anything. I've recommended to all here to save their posts in Word or any other program you're using to refer back to them at a later time. Because it is exactly how you shared, "an online journal." Thanks, Jamie for sharing this!

It's one step forward and two steps back for a very long time, until we find that balance. We are just like babies in that sense, trying to take those first steps and fearing we will fall and a baby does and over and over again until one day their gait is steady and sure. We get there, too my friend!

We do this together. That's how we make it!

I Love You, too very much!
Terry

LaVonne

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Re: PTSD
« Reply #20 on: February 06, 2011, 08:18:47 AM »
Paula: I am so sorry for all that you are going thru. Just wish it was not like this. I feel I have made a lot of progress and then at times I fall back. I guess it is all in the process of grieving.  I want you to know I am here and will try and help as much as I can. I have gotten to know everyone here like family which I feel we are. We are all in this together till the end. Just remember I love you and want to help you down this journey. Friends till the end.   LaVonne