I am so loss without Lou

[MyLou]

Loss my fiance' in November
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 Hi Everyone,

I am new on the board.  My name is Lisa.  I loss my fiance' November 22nd from a heart attack. We were together for 3 1/2 years. 

I know everyone griefs differently.  I bargined with God , got mad, blamed myself and I'm always crying. I feel so lost and so emptied inside.

There is this big world and I feel so alone.  I talk to Lou and cry to him all the time.  I have gotten signs from him. I just want him back so we can get married like we planned. I know that is impossible my heart is in a million pieces.

My friends are great but I don't think they get it  They tell me to get back to the gym and I just can't.  I still don't eat much but I try.

I have read a few books by George Anderson one is Call We Don't Die, it gives me hope but still hurts.

I just needed to find people that are gpomg through the same thing and know how I feel.

Thank you,

Lisa

[SarahW]

Loss my fiance' in November
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 Hi Everyone,

I am new on the board.  My name is Lisa.  I loss my fiance' November 22nd from a heart attack. We were together for 3 1/2 years.  

I know everyone griefs differently.  I bargined with God , got mad, blamed myself and I'm always crying. I feel so lost and so emptied inside.

There is this big world and I feel so alone.  I talk to Lou and cry to him all the time.  I have gotten signs from him. I just want him back so we can get married like we planned. I know that is impossible my heart is in a million pieces.

My friends are great but I don't think they get it  They tell me to get back to the gym and I just can't.  I still don't eat much but I try.

I have read a few books by George Anderson one is Call We Don't Die, it gives me hope but still hurts.

I just needed to find people that are gpomg through the same thing and know how I feel.

Thank you,

Lisa

You are at a place where people are going through the same thing and know how you feel.

Though how long it takes, and exactly the form it takes, is different for everyone, the feelings you describe are very much what I have felt (lost a husband many years ago, and a son in 2009), and I know others here have felt - the pain, the bargaining, the lonliness, etc.

Some of the things you describe - talking to friends, reading books on the subject of grief or death, reaching out as you have done here, feeling "signs" from Lou, etc . . . they can bring some comfort.

But ultimately, you cannot change the fact that from here on out, you must live your life on this earth without your Lou.  And that hurts. Nothing can change that, and nothing can take the sting and the horrible pain of that very real, very large, loss away.

Except time.  Time can and will lessen the intensity of your feelings of loss and pain - you have to let yourself grieve and let it take however much time it takes.

You are doing the right thing reaching out to others who can understand.  

Please take care of yourself.  I know it is hard to eat right, etc., when you feel so horribly.  So don't judge yourself or allow others to judge you on that score - but if you find your health failing, or you find yourself very down and unable to progress toward feeling better, please think about who can help - friends, a doctor, a priest or minister, a trusted family member, a professional counselor . . . in different ways, I have used most of these resources in trying to move forward.

I can't get what I want most of all, above all other things in this world:  My loved ones back with me.  I'm still in the "learning to believe and accept that" stage of dealing with my son's death, but I'm working on it.

Another thing that has helped me is trying to slowly get busy with other things - hobbies and involvements, to try to start focusing more outward.

It all takes time.

I know it must have been hard for you to write this first post, and I thank you for doing it and sharing your story.  I hope it will help you, but know that it helps all of us who, like you, find comfort in knowing we are not alone in our feelings.

All my best!

[browneyedgirl]

Hi Lisa ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of Lou 

Welcome to Webhealing, there are many people here who understand what you are going though...sometimes it helps to know that what you're feeling is "normal", what ever normal is after you lose someone close to you. 

Please take care of yourself and come back and let us know how you are doing. 

[Terry]

Hi Lisa,

I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your fiance and so recent. Having to deal with all of these 'first's' is so difficult as I'm sure the Holiday's were for you.

One of the hardest times I had after my losses was being in, as you shared "this big world" and feeling so alone that I thought I would disappear. I understand and please know that you are not alone here and you can come here and share about your fiance and how things are going with you, anytime and we're here to listen with open hearts. Others really can't understand the pain you are in right now and too often they expect us to return to the person we were before our great loss. Of course this doesn't happen but in time we learn to navigate through life using different tools. Some of our friends wait around, and some don't, sadly.

I know you're heart feels like it's been shattered into a million pieces. Little by little those pieces find their way back home, but not without a lot of help from those who understand and can support you.

I came to Webhealing 8 years ago after losing my surviving son of 29 years. These boards have been a life line for me, knowing others understood the deep pain, the sadness and the loneliness I was experiencing. I hope you will find the same love and comfort that I have.

Welcome to our Webhealing family and know you are loved and cared for. Please tell us more about your fiance when you are comfortable doing so.

Sending big hugs and lots of love and support!

((((((((((((((Lisa)))))))))))))

Love,
Terry

[MyLou]

First I want to say I am sorry to hear of evryone's losses.

Thank you for welcoming me and your kindess.

I think all the time if I can rewind to that morning.

Lou and I didn't live together we live 1 1/2 hrs away.  He was taking me back home to Phlly.  I seen him hold his left arm and reaching for his tums.  I said what is wrong he said I have really bad indigestion which he always had but seem like it was getting worse lately.  I seen him wipe his head and upper lip.  I said are you sweating he said yes. I said honey I think they might be signs of a heart attack.  He said no it will go away.  So we didn't talk for a few minutes and he said he was fine. 

He dropped me off and I spoke to him a few times on the way home.  He said he was OK.  Then about 6:25 am I called he said he stopped at the store a picked up a few things and more tums.  I said you had 5 packs in your work bag.  He laughed and said just in case. 

It was a little after 8 I received a phone call from his boss right away I said what happened to Lou.  He said he was in critical conditon but he was breathing and I needed to get to the hospital.  In the mean time his sister in law and told me to call her.  I called his brother answered I said where are you at and how is Lou.  He said he didn't make it. 

I wished I had said let's go to the hosptial but he assured me he was OK.  I keep blaming myself and everyone says I can't do that. 

Lou was a caring and had a Heart of Gold. If you needed Lou's help he was there.

His children were his world they are from a previous marriage. He loved being outside and lived life.  He loved to cook , bbq outside when the weather was nice.  He had just bought a Harley last year.  He was so happy he got that bike. He tried to get me on it but I only went for a ride a few times. 

He was a gentleman pulled out my chair , held the door , open my car door.

He always wanted to do things for me.  He was my everything and will always be. 

Thank you for listening.

Lisa