The one thing I have realized since Adam passed is that I am super senstive to family occasions and cry more than I would think. Today was the wedding on my husband's side, the cousin to my children. Seeing the patriach and matriach gingerly walk down the aisle was such a blessing and I missed my FIL & MIL. Seeing the pretty wedding party and knowing that Ihad hoped for such for Adam and will never see that day come true. I could not stop weeping. I had to take a small dose of ativan to help take the edge off.
When my husband's nephew got married I cried bucket for his late sister who would have wanted to be there. Whenever I hold their 2 little ones I tell them about their Grandma Connie.
They cycle of life, I know, some die young, some die old, it always hurts and the longing is always there, but for me never so much as the yearning and despretate feelings I have for Adam. I still look at young man that has a similiar build, hair color, hair cut. Intellectually I know it's not him, but emotionally I am always hopeful that it is.
Craig had to work and miss the church, considering his state of mind it probably was a good thing that he did. The wedding reception will be more about fun and hopefully he can let loose a little in that. If not we always have our hotel room to retire to and if just way too much, we can leave and go home. This experience has taught me if nothing else that bereaved parents must protect their hearts. Truly those who care about us will understand and for those who don't that is their issue not mine.
Matt & Morgan started talking about dates and venues. Boy if I was a weepy mess at a cousins wedding I sure do hope that I can hold it together for Matt's.
Adam's girlfriend decided to not pay for his online memorial site that she started and for petty reasons I want her to. It's $99 for a lifetime and she recceived $50G upon his death and before that he supported her while she did not work. I think that it's the least she could do. Anyway I did ask her to contact the online people so that I could take over (pay) and swich custodian of the site so that we do not lose all of the pix and postings and she ignores me on this. I never mentioned anything about any of the monies to her. Although about a year after he died she did say that she regrets now being so selfish with the money. My only comment was that she can still set it right. Not a word mentioed since then. I asked Adam for a sign. When the snow melted a menthol cigarette was on my front steps and yesterday the memorial site was up and running. I cried that my boy still hears me and tries in his ways to reach me. I had a pretty rough nite, woke up with very swollen eyelids from crying. Hopefully the festivities will help alleviate my mood. I will be bringing Adam physically with me as I wear a beautiful Diamond locket that Craig had made for me that has Adam's hair inside it alonge with a charm that friends made for me on our last Christmas Eve together. How little did I know then that would be my last Christmas Eve with him.
Once again I am pent up with emotion and using this board to let it all on out. Thanks to you all for being OK with this. The board is much kinder now and I appreciate it.
Blessings to all bereaved Mom's and Dad's and loving family members (Martha).
Take a deep breath and start the next moment anew.
Love you all,
XO Paula XO