Author Topic: Blubbering away at a family wedding  (Read 3682 times)

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Blubbering away at a family wedding
« on: January 08, 2011, 03:01:22 PM »
The one thing I have realized since Adam passed is that I am super senstive to family occasions and cry more than I would think. Today was the wedding on my husband's side, the cousin to my children. Seeing the patriach and matriach gingerly walk down the aisle was such a blessing and I missed my FIL & MIL. Seeing the pretty wedding party and knowing that Ihad hoped for such for Adam and will never see that day come true. I could not stop weeping. I had to take a small dose of ativan to help take the edge off.
When my  husband's nephew got married I cried bucket for his late sister who would have wanted to be there. Whenever I hold their 2 little ones I tell them about their Grandma Connie.
They cycle of life, I know, some die young, some die old, it always hurts and the longing is always there, but for me never so much as the yearning and despretate feelings I have for Adam. I still look at young man that has a similiar build, hair color, hair cut. Intellectually I know it's not him, but emotionally I am always hopeful that it is.
Craig had to work and miss the church, considering his state of mind it probably was a good thing that he did. The wedding reception will be more about fun and hopefully he can let loose a little in that. If not we always have our hotel room to retire to and if just way too much, we can leave and go home. This experience has taught me if nothing else that bereaved parents must protect their hearts. Truly those who care about us will understand and for those who don't that is their issue not mine.
Matt & Morgan started talking about dates and venues. Boy if I was a weepy mess at a cousins wedding I sure do hope that I can hold it together for Matt's.
Adam's girlfriend decided to not pay for his online memorial site that she started and for petty reasons I want her to. It's $99 for a lifetime and she recceived $50G upon his death and before that he supported her while she did not work. I think that it's the least she could do. Anyway I did ask her to contact the online people so that I could take over (pay) and swich custodian of the site so that we do not lose all of the pix and postings and she ignores me on this. I never mentioned anything about any of the monies to her. Although about a year after he died she did say that she regrets now being so selfish with the money. My only comment was that she can still set it right. Not a word mentioed since then. I asked Adam for a sign. When the snow melted a menthol cigarette was on my front steps and yesterday the memorial site was up and running. I cried that my boy still hears me and tries in his ways to reach me. I had a pretty rough nite, woke up with very swollen eyelids from crying. Hopefully the festivities will help alleviate my mood. I will be bringing Adam physically with me as I wear a beautiful Diamond locket that Craig had made for me that has Adam's hair inside it alonge with a charm that friends made for me on our last Christmas Eve together. How little did I know then that would be my last Christmas Eve with him.
Once again I am pent up with emotion and using this board to let it all on out. Thanks to you all for being OK with this. The board is much kinder now and I appreciate it.
Blessings to all bereaved Mom's and Dad's and loving family members (Martha).
Take a deep breath and start the next moment anew.
Love you all,
XO Paula XO
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Rebecca

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #1 on: January 08, 2011, 06:52:04 PM »
In the very early days I would not put myself through anything like going to a wedding.  Actually, I have been to one wedding since Jason died.  I do not want to ruin the wedding with my actions and I don't want to hurt.  The one thing I read over and over in your posts is that it seems to me u r more concerned with how others feel than how u and Craig feel.  I have never taken that stand as far as Jason goes.  I do take that stand often with people but if I know that I will hurt, I hurt enough without putting myself through more.  I know it was a nephew... and you made the decision you made based upon your relationship but I wish you would think a little more about Paula and less about others.  Your friend.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

SarahW

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #2 on: January 09, 2011, 12:55:12 AM »
Sorry to hear you had a hard time, Paula.

I know what you mean about expecting to see your son, even though intellectually, you know it can't be.

Just this week, when my mind was busy with other things, the phone rang.  And for some reason, I immediately and automatically thought it was Vince calling.  My heart lept for a split second. 

The whole thing was over in the blink of an eye, but it disoriented me for a moment, as I listened to the voice on the line.

My God, I still miss my son so very, very much.

Consolation is not even an option.  I am healing, yet I am inconsolable.

It is so hard to describe. I am never free of the pain and the urge to scream and scream and scream and scream.  But I am getting better at living in this permanently altered state.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #3 on: January 09, 2011, 09:20:31 PM »
To my utter amazement I had a fabulous time at the wedding reception. Considering my reaction to the wedding ceremony I could never have anticipated this complete turn-a-round. The energy level in the reception was wonderfully high and being that I have been in Craig's family for 40+ years I knew everyone intimately on the bride's side. I was delighted with Matt, Morgan, Kate and her guest, Josh and his guest; watching them dance and their gigantic smiles on their faces as they danced and interacted with one another and their family members.
Craig was quiet and I alternated my time on the dance floor and with him. Usually since our loss I will not leave his side, but I have found recently that just brings my down to a level that I am not comfortable as I battle with my own bereavement issues. I think that ultimately he felt good being there and seeing the children happy.
I just cannot figure how my emotions can go from one extreme to the others - it is so unsettling. A good topic to discuss this week with my bereavement counselor.

It is hard Sarah and I can understand that your automatically thought it was your Vince calling. Our Josh now drives Adam's car and one day he pulls up and Craig sees the car and he lights up thinking it is Adam. It was just a knee jerk reaction to something that can never be anymore. How our hearts yearn for our babies.

I don't know Rebecca; if I isolate myself I am terribly lonely and my suicidal dark thoughts come back fast and furious. If I go out into the world I do risk the scab bring ripped off suddenly and painfully off my bereaved heart and yet I don't take those chances I will never know if I am shunning some rays of lightness and hope that Adam is trying to send to me.

Please keep your positive thoughts with me and Kaitlin tomorrow as we go to her psychiatrist. As I mentioned in a prior post I think that she might have regressed and she had a true meltdown in between church and reception. I hope that none of it is drug related.

XO Paula
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #4 on: January 10, 2011, 03:22:23 PM »
Hey Paula,

I'm so happy to hear you truly enjoyed yourself at the reception. We never know when attending an event like this how hard we are going to be knocked down. We just keep pushing onward and we have those times when we are pleasantly surprised by our reaction or lack of!

I'll be holding positive thoughts for Kaitlin. The light doth shine!! We just have to keep peaking through the darkness and inching out further each time we do. Then, one day we're able to view it's splendor as we enter another phase of our multi-colored life.

Please let us know how Kaitlin's appointment goes!

((((((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))

Much Love to you,
Terry

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #5 on: January 11, 2011, 01:51:10 PM »
Doc did not talk to me, but her behaviors are sliding down the slippery slope. Oppositional behaviors, ittitability. Doc added more meds to her regime. One moment at a time......
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings

Terry

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #6 on: January 11, 2011, 03:09:25 PM »
Thanks, Paula for the update on Kaitlin. I've been keeping an eye out for your post. Maybe a change in Meds will help. I've heard from so many that with certain medications, they have to be monitored closely. Blood word, periodically, etc and will need to be adjusted from time to time.

I was just on the phone with Dad's doctor because his sleep medication had to be adjusted again. He's at the point where it's now every 3 weeks, as that is the time frame when they stop working. The mind is so complicated. Sure wish I could peek in there to see how everything works. I would become a little "brain soldier!"

I'll be holding good thoughts. Hold on tight to hope!

Love,
Terry

SarahW

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #7 on: January 15, 2011, 08:10:06 AM »
Thanks, Paula for the update on Kaitlin. I've been keeping an eye out for your post. Maybe a change in Meds will help. I've heard from so many that with certain medications, they have to be monitored closely. Blood word, periodically, etc and will need to be adjusted from time to time.

I was just on the phone with Dad's doctor because his sleep medication had to be adjusted again. He's at the point where it's now every 3 weeks, as that is the time frame when they stop working. The mind is so complicated. Sure wish I could peek in there to see how everything works. I would become a little "brain soldier!"

I'll be holding good thoughts. Hold on tight to hope!

Love,
Terry

Terry said it so well, I can't say much to improve the sentiment, but please know I am keeping you and yours in my thoughts, Paula - all my best.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Adams Brokenhearted Mama

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Re: Blubbering away at a family wedding
« Reply #8 on: January 15, 2011, 04:34:08 PM »
Thanks SarahW. Too much stress. I want to live in la-la land and even with all my meds I can't find that place.
XO Love to all my sisters & brothers-in-grief XO
Wishing you all peaceful moments, signs from your Angels & many blessings