Having a difficult holiday

[jaxsaint]

Tomorrow makes 9 months since Joe's death as a result of a drunk driver.  New Year's Eve would've been our first wedding anniversary.  We were engaged on Christmas morning two years ago.  I'm having an especially hard time this holiday season without him.  A week ago a friend of mine, not close, but a friend passed away of brain cancer at 43 (a year younger than my husband).  He left a wife that I went to High School with and a two year old daughter.  The news has brought back my feelings of grief more than expected.  It is not natural to be a widow at 31 even though I know history shows it is very normal.  Today was another court date in my husband's case.  It was thought that the defendant was going to change his pea to guilty today and sentancing would happen around the New Year.  Instead, the court adjourned the case until January 6. . . two days after what should've been Joe's 45th birthday.  If he does not change his plea a trial date will be set around the end of January (my birthday).  I am a teacher in NYC; my school is in danger of being closed down.  The pressure is unbearable.  I could face being unsatisfactorly rated because of attendence and I am being given more responsibilites than ever before.  I feel overwhelmed.  How am I supposed to find the time after school, between legal paperwork, stress and grief to fulfll these responsibilies?  And inside of the same building that we met and worked together.  Every day I go there I expect to see him.  I've requested advise on applying for a medical sabbatical.  In the meantime, I've had bad experiences with my in-laws or as my friend calls them "outlaws."  They attacked me at court over a month ago; accusing me of having collected money from his bank account without telling them and insurance money without reimbursing my brother-in-law for the funeral.  None were true.  My contact with them has been limited to casual responses to my legal updates.  They have only attended court twice since the legal proceedings began in April.  I'm so angry with them.  I made my brother-in-law co-administrator of the estate under pressure from them.  Now I can't even more forward with the death benefits claim because of it.


I still can't believe that this is really happening.  We didn't even get to celebrate our first wedding anniversary.  I've been in the anger stage for so long now.  Recently, I've noticed I'm begging again.  Begging for that Christmas miraicle. . . that this has all been a bad nightmare and I'm going to wake up.  And Joe will be there to say "good morning beautiflul."

For the last few months I have been taking a life coaching workshop.  It has been a wonderful help, but I still can't accept this.  I've done so much the last few months becaue of this class, but sometimes I feel like I've been running from the pain.  Joe was he bes thing that ever happened to me.  Why did this happen to us?  I don't want to be the victim crying "why me" all the time, but I'm feeling like one. 

[Terry]

Hi Jackie,

I'm sorry for the pain you are in, having to deal with these 'first's'...it's so difficult. I understand, too with every new loss we face, all of our feelings resurface again and again. There couldn't be a worse time of the year to be dealing with this right now, either.

Regarding your responsibilities and feeling overwhelmed; please do just what you are feeling up to, and I do know that's easier said than done but we can get so run down trying to make all of the pieces fit while still in a very fragile state. Take care of 'you!' I am sorry for all of your added stress.

I would try to imagine Joe's voice, every morning saying those exact words because I believe that he is....

Ah, if only we could awake from this nightmare. The anger, the disbelief....I understand.

(((((((((Jackie)))))))))) Sending hugs and hoping you'll find some peace amidst all of this turmoil.

My Love,
Terry

[jaxsaint]

Thank you Terry.

[justthegirlfriend]

I have been trying very hard to keep it together, to focus on the positive, to be happy for my family.  Might sound terrible, but I "use' my kids and grandkids as distractions.  They make me laugh when I don't really feel like laughing.  Thoughts of being with them have helped to chase away memories of last Christmas, my one and only Christmas with Robert.  It's also the third Christmas away from my youngest son, a Marine, stationed in Japan.  I was so looking forward to leaving today, to drive down to be with my older two kids and my grandson, but things didn't work out. I'll have to wait until tomorrow. I lost it.  The sadness just took over and I've been crying off and on for hours.  I keep telling myself that it's just a minor setback, that tomorrow I'll get on the road and everything will be ok.  But, it's also ok to be sad for a little while.

I'm sorry... I wanted to try to find words of comfort for you, but they sure didn't come out that way.  I hope that you can find some peace and happiness through these difficult days.  Take care of yourself.

[jaxsaint]

I've also found that sometimes it's okay to just be sad.  I feel like I've spent the last 9 months running, trying to distract myself and keep busy.  I've told myself that things will be okay a million times. . .I just don't feel it yet.  I miss him so much.  I miss our past and our future.  There are so many things I want to talk to him about, things I want his opinion on, times I just want to breathe the same air as him.  The worst part is that now I feel him less and less.  The night before the accident (I still cringe when using that word) he said he would never leave me.

[SarahW]

I've also found that sometimes it's okay to just be sad.  I feel like I've spent the last 9 months running, trying to distract myself and keep busy.  I've told myself that things will be okay a million times. . .I just don't feel it yet.  I miss him so much.  I miss our past and our future.  There are so many things I want to talk to him about, things I want his opinion on, times I just want to breathe the same air as him.  The worst part is that now I feel him less and less.  The night before the accident (I still cringe when using that word) he said he would never leave me.

Hi, jaxsaint.

I am on this site because I lost my 29 yr old son last year, but many years ago, when my son was just a baby, I, like you, lost my husband at a very young age.

I definitely experienced the things you are describing - the why-me?, the extremely slow acceptance of the reality of it, the feeling that the stress of it all was just too much, etc.

Do your best to take care of yourself.  I don't know what your chances are on getting a medical leave, but you might want to consider a professional counselor that could help you get through this, and might be able to advise you on this kind of thing.

Your pain is very raw, but it will get better with time (how much time varies for everyone, but it was probably about 2 yrs before I was really going long stretches of time without experiences a "meltdown").

And yes it is definitely OK to just be sad sometimes.  Trying to avoid the pain and greiving process is a mistake.

Wishing you all the best.

[jaxsaint]

On this day last year I chose the dress I would wear when we exchanged vows, got my nails done and made arrangements for my mom to pick up the bouquet I would carry the next day.  What a difference a year makes.  Now I'm sitting still in pajamas and unable to get through five minutes without tears.  My family and friends keep asking me to come over tomorrow.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm going to keep breathing over the next few days.

[browneyedgirl]

(((jaxsaint)))

I am so sorry. Please know that you are in my thoughts. 

Take care of yourself. 

[SarahW]

On this day last year I chose the dress I would wear when we exchanged vows, got my nails done and made arrangements for my mom to pick up the bouquet I would carry the next day.  What a difference a year makes.  Now I'm sitting still in pajamas and unable to get through five minutes without tears.  My family and friends keep asking me to come over tomorrow.  I don't know what to do.  I don't know how I'm going to keep breathing over the next few days.

The pain is so bad at the beginning, it is hard to believe you will survive it.  But you will.  Just keep breathing one moment at a time. 

I wish I could tell you there was a way around the pain, but there isn't - not when you loved well and truly, as you did.

Please post anytime you feel the need, and know that you are helping others (like me) with your sharing.  It helps us all to know we are not alone.

My thoughts are with you.

[jaxsaint]

Today the man who killed my huband pled guilty to multiple counts including aggrivated vehicular homicide.  He will be sentenced on January 25th to 8-25 years in prison.  He showed absolutely no remorse for what he did.  He said he disagreed with the judge's determination and tried to say that his prescription of antacids may prevent him from thinking clearly.  I was almost catatonic in court today.  Haven't been like that since the wake/funeral month.  My mother in law barely acknowleged me.  Two days ago was my beloved husband's birthday.  I can't even begin to process all of this and I have 10 days to write my victim's statement.