Author Topic: reply to Dave B  (Read 2250 times)

jcohenx

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reply to Dave B
« on: December 24, 2010, 04:32:06 PM »
Thanks jc (and others who responded).

Yeah, it sounds like we're in very similar situations...I'm just behind you by a couple of months.

My wife had Bronchiolitis obliterans, which led to her transplant, but they don't know what caused it. She lived with it for a number of years before transplant, waited 2 years for the transplant, then lasted 9.5 years after transplant. Now it seems like those years have gone by in a flash. She was pretty active after her transplant, and we did lots of fun things, so I have no regrets about that. I just wanted it to last another 9.5 years (and then another...). Seems unfair that she had to go so early, but that's just Gods plan for her.

Yesterday was the first day I didn't descend into almost paralyzing despair. There was a John Wayne marathon on the tv, I think that helped keep me occupied. I haven't tried going back to work after my initial attempt on Monday, but my company has been really good about letting me take whatever time I need. When I do go back, there will be lots of traveling...don't know how I'll do with that. In the past, I used to worry every day about how my wife was doing back home.

I know what you mean about walking in circles. Most of the time I feel like a zombie. I'll get up right in the middle of something (eating or writing a letter) and wander into another room or the garage, then wonder what I'm doing there.

I'm really sorry about the loss of your wife too. Keep hanging in there. Christmas is upon us, and I'm not looking forward to it. There's going to be reminders of her everywhere, and I'm not sure how I'll react. Afterwords I think I'll take a road trip somewhere.

Dave

Hi Dave;

I thought I'd start a new thread so we don't monopolize the Introductions thread.

The more I read the more your situation sounds like mine.  My job also entails a lot of travel.  I am about to start a very stressful project out of state where I'll be gone for at least 2-3 weeks and am trying to psych myself up for it already.  I should really just be glad that I still have a job in today's economy and suck it up but it's so hard.  I have my annual performance review in February and I sit trying to figure out how to answer questions like, "Where do you see yourself in a year?"  "What major accomplishments have you completed this year?"  "What can your manager to do better facilitate your performance."  If you've not worked in corporate America this may not make much sense but we have to do this stuff every year and up to this year it's been pretty straightforward.  The bottom line is that I honestly don't know how good that job is for me anymore.  I don't see how I can be on the road so much and still be able to rebuild my life. 

My wife was never able to be a transplant candidate.  She had very advanced bronchiectasis and had to spend the last 6 weeks of her life on a respirator in an ICU.  It killed me to watch that.  Laura had bad lungs for most of her life and over the years I watched her slowly decompensate from being able to walk and ride bikes to only being able to walk to having to take a car most places, to not being able to walk a block to having home O2 to being back in 5* on machines.  I was hoping that she would make it to 50 but it didn't happen.  Of course, had she made it to 50 I would have said the same thing about 60, 70...  One thing the last few months have taught me is that there is never enough time so you got to make the most of the time you've got.  Nearly ten years after a double lung transplant sounds like a great survival rate but I know that's probably cold comfort now.

Those days when the grief leaves me paralyzed are the worst.  They're like tornadoes, the come without a lot of warning and they can suck all the air out of the room.  If not for friends and family I do not know what I would do to survive.  After having a few major meltdowns with friends and relatives over the phone they finally talked me into getting to see a professional therapist.  I saw two different therapists last week, within 15 minutes they both wanted to put me on SSRI's.  From this I can only conclude that I look worse than I thought and that my prognosis is just not that complicated.  I am too tired to argue anymore.  Maybe they'll help, maybe they won't.  From my research I find that about 65% of patients see some benefit but it usually takes weeks.  If they can prevent even one major meltdown a week then they are probably worth it.

Sorry for being Capt. Buzzkill on Xmas eve.  I'm trying to psych myself up for the next 48 hours.  There's a party tonight at t friends house and I'm going to go to that with my wife's sister.  I strongly suggest that you try to do the same.  Get out of the house and find something somewhere to take your mind off stuff.  You and I both need to find our hours of non-grief (notice I didn't say happiness) where and when we can get them.  I expect it's going to be a long and lonely winter for all of us.  Stay in touch and hang in there.

thanks,

jc