Author Topic: I lost my Mum  (Read 4362 times)

Nell

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I lost my Mum
« on: November 29, 2010, 07:59:53 PM »
I lost my Mum in October this year. My parents came to live with my husband and myself 14 months ago. Mum's health was not good, she had just lost a breast to cancer and at 86 couldn't believe that it could happen to her. She pulled through and had just started to get back on her feet when she had a mild stroke that left her with vascular dementia. From the end of August it was all downhill and on 20 October 2010 at 20 past 10 my Mum passed away very quitely surround by her husband of 69 years, myself and husband, my sister and husband, my brother and her nurse. I had nursed Mum all this time and new that it was coming. I was not prepared for how hard it has hit me. I fell lost, lonely and isolated. Everyone is worried about how Dad is doing, and at age 87 I can understand why. The family tell me to get him in to counselling if he goes downhill, they tell me to get him active (none of them live close by, the nearest is 3 hours away) and interacting with people to help him start his new life alone, but what hurts the most is that none of them have asked how I am doing. They just seem to think I am coping, outwardly I guess it looks like I am, but internally I am a wreck.
How do people pull through this? I feel as if I have lost not just my Mum but a big reason for living. Mum and I were so close right up to the end. I have tried to talk to my husband and he is great and always there for me but I am just so lost.
What have you done to help yourself? I would like to hear from you if you have had these seem feelings.
Many thanks
Pauline
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Tom

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Re: I lost my Mum
« Reply #1 on: November 30, 2010, 04:57:21 AM »
Welcome Pauline.  Glad you have found us. A part of what you are going through is called "disenfranchised grief."  It is when one's grief is basically not acknowledged by others.  This leaves the griever in a state of double jeopardy of both having the grief in all its fullness and also not having the support and acknowledgment of those around us.  It is typically seen in situations like a young woman who experiences the death of her fiance.  Since they were not married people tend to minimize her loss, she is sometimes not included in rituals or in having a say in what happens to his possessions etc.  Your situation is not the same but has some of the same characteristics. I think sometimes being the caretaker can have a similar impact. People don't think of you as a griever, they think of you as the caretaker.  Keep in mind that grief is partly fueled by our contact with the person who died. When our dear aunt Sally from Alaska dies and we haven't seen her for years, the grief is often less than if Aunt Sally lived next door.  Your situation involved you having daily contact with your mom and this sort of contact tends to make grief stronger. Also keep in mind that grief is fueled by love. The more love we have for someone, the more grief.  My guess is that you and your mom were very close and shared a great deal of love.  This will fuel that grief like no other. Wear your tears proudly, they show how much you love your mom.  The bottom line is one day at a time.  Blessings to you.

Tom

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browneyedgirl

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Re: I lost my Mum
« Reply #2 on: November 30, 2010, 10:54:59 AM »
Welcome to Webhealing, Pauline.

 I am so very sorry for the loss of your Mum.

Tom has given you some good thoughts......

Come back soon and tell us how you are doing.  There is always someone hear to listen. 
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

SarahW

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Re: I lost my Mum
« Reply #3 on: November 30, 2010, 06:00:29 PM »
I lost my Mum in October this year. My parents came to live with my husband and myself 14 months ago. Mum's health was not good, she had just lost a breast to cancer and at 86 couldn't believe that it could happen to her. She pulled through and had just started to get back on her feet when she had a mild stroke that left her with vascular dementia. From the end of August it was all downhill and on 20 October 2010 at 20 past 10 my Mum passed away very quitely surround by her husband of 69 years, myself and husband, my sister and husband, my brother and her nurse. I had nursed Mum all this time and new that it was coming. I was not prepared for how hard it has hit me. I fell lost, lonely and isolated. Everyone is worried about how Dad is doing, and at age 87 I can understand why. The family tell me to get him in to counselling if he goes downhill, they tell me to get him active (none of them live close by, the nearest is 3 hours away) and interacting with people to help him start his new life alone, but what hurts the most is that none of them have asked how I am doing. They just seem to think I am coping, outwardly I guess it looks like I am, but internally I am a wreck.
How do people pull through this? I feel as if I have lost not just my Mum but a big reason for living. Mum and I were so close right up to the end. I have tried to talk to my husband and he is great and always there for me but I am just so lost.
What have you done to help yourself? I would like to hear from you if you have had these seem feelings.
Many thanks
Pauline

I have definitely had the feeling of having "lost my reason for living."  It brings such horrible emptiness and pain.

It has helped me to take the time to let myself grieve, and to try to start finding things to fill the void.  I am working on finding a new "reason to live."
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Daddys_girl

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Re: I lost my Mum
« Reply #4 on: December 01, 2010, 08:00:52 AM »
Pauline,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dear Mom. I lost my Dad almost 1 year ago, suddenly. It has turned my world upside down and inside out to say the least.
I still live at home with my Mom & have no siblings, we are a tiny family. She is about all that keeps me going to be honest. I am lost in the world without my Dad, he was such much more, he was my teacher, my best friend, my confidant and as a close friend once said he was simply the "fixer", no matter what ever went wrong he would fix it or just take away any worry I had.
Now he is the one person who could "fix" this for me yet him being gone is the reason for all my pain.

I wish I had words of comfort for you but I really don't think they exist, all I can do is say that I can relate is some tiny way to some of what you feel. I wish I could fast foward everything and just get to be with my Dad again, it's all I look forward to, everything else in life seems so pointless, so emtpy so lonely now.

Just be kind to yourself now and keep sharing when you feel like it here, there can be some tiny comfort just knowing there is someone else in this world who can nod and agree with what you say.

all I have is hugs and love to send your way
DG

Terry

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Re: I lost my Mum
« Reply #5 on: December 12, 2010, 12:12:30 AM »
Pauline,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum. I don't think it's posible to prepare for losing someone we love so deeply. Your feelings are understandable as you loved your Mum deeply and the pain is the result of that love.

Allow yourself to feel what you need to and for as long as you need to. I can relate to your feelings of emptiness and just feeling lost. I don't know how we could feel any other way.

I have cared for my Dad many years now and his health is deteriorating. He has AD and his condition worsened this past summer when he had another stroke. It's been very difficult and you're right that the caregiver is seen as the pilar of strength, in a way because they are the ones that hold it all together. I am exhausted and sad all of the time, though put on a cheery face for Dad. I understand.

Please share more as you are able. We all understand the pain of losing someone we've loved so much.

Sending lots of hugs (((((((((((((Pauline)))))))))))))
My love,
Terry