Dear Dan,
I'm really trying to love Christmas again. If you were here, I'd be able to ask you what you want and I'm sure you'd be wanting to know what to get me. I want to be with you for Christmas, to be with you and Tanis and baby Daniel and Bree, all of us together, smiling and telling stories and laughing, mostly laughing. Daniel is so happy with his mama, but the rest of us just miss you and miss you more. Our lives are just harder without you, without your humor and perspective. Every day I wonder how I made it another day without you.
Every year I do something to volunteer through the Christmas season, I hope you're happy with what I do, it's all in your memory because I know if you were here you'd be doing something to help someone. I put a bike helmet in the Toys for Tots box, I thought you'd like that. Tanis wants a makeup case with every color in the rainbow. I'm getting Daniel a kitchen since he loves to cook with his mama, and you loved to cook. Don't worry, it isn't a girlie one, it looks kind of industrial, like a chefs kitchen.
I can't be happy anymore Dan, I don't know what to do. Mamas and daddys with children who are dead don't have happy Christmases, we try, but we smile and burst into tears in the same second. People think there's something wrong with us and I guess there is. I'll never get used to living without you. When you died, my joy died. I love you forever, and I'll miss you forever.
Thanks for watching over us,
Mom