Author Topic: heartbroken  (Read 10002 times)

summer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #15 on: December 10, 2010, 06:19:36 PM »
Thank you Gary1967,
  It is good to hear that although it takes time, that one day I will not feel so lost and empty as I do now.  I am usually a very strong person, but I have been crying so much it seems like I won't ever stop.  I know my husband wouldn't want me to be like this.  We were together 35 years.  Everyday, for 35 years.  I feel like I lost a part of myself.  I did.  I miss him so much.

At this stage in my life, I don't really see a future.  I know I will get up everyday and carry on.  Do what I have to do, but it all seems so unreal.  I went with a friend today to the mall, she wanted to do some Christmas shopping and I felt like I was a walking zombie.  Not a part of anything.  I felt like I didn't belong there.  I was so sad inside.

I am happy to hear that your life is taking you in a new direction.  You really must feel like you are coming out of the dark.  I wish you all the best for a bright future.  Thank you again for taking the time to offer me hope that one day things will be better.

  summer

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #16 on: December 16, 2010, 01:15:44 AM »
Hi Summer,

Thinking of you with your loss so recent and having to face your first Christmas without your husband. The first's are brutal but please know we're here for you and understand how difficult it will be having to deal with these very raw emotions.

Take very good care of "you!"

((((((((((Summer))))))))))

My love,
Terry

summer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #17 on: December 16, 2010, 02:37:21 PM »
Hi Terry,   Thanks so much for your post.  Yes, This is really tough.  I am so sad and just feel so lost.  I don't think Christmas will ever be the same for me.  I don't know how everyone who has ever lost someone goes on with their lives.  I know they do, but it is such a terrible thing to have to go through.  Thanks for thinking of me, It does help to know that people care and understand.  summer

querencia

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 19
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #18 on: December 16, 2010, 08:12:54 PM »
To summer: By now you will have noticed that widowhood isn't a state as much as it is a process---everything keeps changing. At first you are numbed by shock, even if the death was expected (I think of that as Stage I). After a month or so the "anesthetic" starts wearing off and you feel as if you are waking up from a nightmare to find that the nightmare is real. You keep expecting your dear one to come back ("I moved the furnitue---hope he likes it this way when he gets back"). You struggle to make everything normal again, ie like when he was here, because now life is very weird.  Stage III seems to set in between 4 and 6 months when you begin to realize that Weird is the New Normal and that bereavement, rather than a temporary emergency, is the way life is now. Gradually the music of life resumes, but now with a new sad counterpoint.

A few practical tips: 1) If you are cold in bed at night, wrap up in a soft blanket UNDER the covers.  2) If you miss being touched, get a massage.  3) Keep all business stuff in one place so it doesn't get spread around and lost, and write everything down in the same spiral notebook.  4) Unless you are working at the same job you had before, get involved in volunteer work---it will take you out of yourself and it really, really does help.  Do something you enjoy---tutor, work in church kitchen at a feeding program, be a Friendly Visitor at a nursing home,  join a sewing circle and make layettes for needy babies---you can do just about anything. 5) If you decide to redistribute his clothing, keep any cloth handkerchiefs as they are big and last better than Kleenex if you cry away from home and the source of Kleenex (I was a church crier).  6) Grieving takes many forms and everyone doesn't grieve the same---whatever is right for you is right for you and don't let anybody tell you different.

summer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #19 on: December 18, 2010, 01:01:03 PM »
Hi querencia,  You are right, it is a process.  It has been eight weeks now and the shock has worn off,  still feel dazed though.   It is a nightmare now, feeling such deep saddness.  Actually, the other day, around 5 o'clock, It crossed my mind that he would be coming in from work,  then it hit me that no he won't be coming home.

I was out this morning walking the dog and the sense of loneliness I felt was intense.  I was alone, just me.  The sun was shinning, big clouds in the blue sky, the dog running through the grass and I felt so alone.  There is no one with me now.  No one that cares for me the way he did.  Yes I have a daughter and family, but it is not the same.  The world feels so small to me now.  I feel small.

Thanks for the tips,  It may take me awhile to want to get out there and start new things on my own.  I think I need this time to sort of hide out, recharge myself.  I do what I have to day to day, I am organized, but I haven't even started to go through his things yet. 
I really appreciate your advice, thanks so much,  This is one of the hardest things, this grieving really drains me, I feel like I have lost any drive and desire I use to have.  It is going to take a long time to heal, if I ever do.

Jayne

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 1
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #20 on: December 25, 2010, 07:14:46 PM »
I feel the same as you Summer.  My husband died just over a month ago.  He would have been 59 on 22nd Dec, but he didn't make it.  He died from liver failure and it was quick - 3/4 weeks from the first real warning signs.  It's Christmas Day and my 16yr old son has gone to his girlfriend's home for the day, which has left me all day to cry in private.  We have no other family in this country, and I have no friends. The community have been very supportive, but I am starting to find them an "intrusion", which of course, I then feel guilty for feeling.

My son and I are luckier than most it seems, because we are able to talk to each other about the passing of Laurence.   Like you though, I have no energy, no motivation.  My body is wracked with pain.  I find it helps if I live in the present moment. Looking back is too painful and the future is a black hole.  He had no life insurance and my being disabled will probably make it difficult for me to find work. I miss him so much the pain is beyond words.

I know that grieving is a process and a lot of our thoughts are irrational, but at the moment I am stuck in the belief that he died because I didn't love him, or appreciate him enough.  This is total rubbish of course, because we were very, very, close and in 18yrs together, never had a cross word, or disagreement.  He was my life and always will be.

My heart and prayers go out to you and all the others who have posted here.  Jayne


summer

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #21 on: December 26, 2010, 06:07:59 AM »
Thank you to everyone who posted here.  Jayne, I am sorry for your loss.  It has been 2 months now for me.  He was 61.  I am sorry you feel so alone.  I have family but they have their own lives.  I spent the day with them yesterday but no one but me mentioned my husband.  I felt so sad about that.  I couldn't wait to get home last night.

I have a 16 year old daughter who won't talk much with me about her dad.  She will talk about the happy times but she won't let me in on her feelings about how she feels now.
I know how you are feeling.  It really hurts and it takes so much out of you.  I try to go minute by minute, one day at a time.  I don't know what else to do.  I actually feel like screaming and crying, but that won't help.  Some days I cry all day, other days I have no emotion at all.
It is good you are able to talk with your son and that you have him with you in all this.

I understand your feelings of guilt, like it was your fault somehow.  I felt that way too but I tried talking myself out of feeling like that.  I am glad you see that you feel it is irrational.  I know we are still in shock, and disbelief, I think I will always feel like this.  I hope you find some peace and I will keep you in my thoughts.  summer

ManyTears

  • Newbie
  • *
  • Posts: 7
    • View Profile
Re: heartbroken
« Reply #22 on: January 15, 2011, 07:20:41 AM »
Hello to everyone here.  Heartbroken, I pray your heart will mend. Take it one day at a time. One moment at a time if you need to.  You have found a wonderful thing here at Webhealing.  I am new to the site and already it has helped.

 It is a new year. Let us all pray it is full of hope and love, health and peace.

I get the winter blues.   Each season brings it's own set of memories. I lost Doug in the spring. Just before the world turns green. Having someone to share with calms my soul. Every tear you cry is caught and is turned into a star, so that when we look up into the night sky and see all those stars, we know we are not alone.

ManyTears