Author Topic: Update, or "re-Hello!"  (Read 5608 times)

johnkmurray

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Update, or "re-Hello!"
« on: November 21, 2010, 11:35:20 AM »
Hi all,

I was referred to this board a couple of months ago and found it was of great comfort to me in dealing with the loss of Kit, my wife, to cancer earlier this year. About the same time I found Webhealing I also was laid off from my job, which left me with more time to stare at the walls closing in on me in this big, empty house that used to be our home. Your comments and company helped ease that feeling for me. Soon after that I was offered a short term consulting gig that meant lots of travel, lots of hours, and before I knew it several weeks had passed since I checked the boards. I just wrapped up that project and once again find myself sitting here alone. Even more fun, the holiday season is upon us. Getting through this ought to be a real treat, given the way I'm feeling already and it not even Thanksgiving yet!

Kit loved the holidays. It was a special time for us as a couple. I've accepted friends' invitation to spend Thanksgiving with their family, so I expect to get through that day relatively intact. After that, well I debated whether I'd even bother decorating the house for Christmas but I probably will. Call it my attempt to add as much 'normalcy' to this holiday as I can. Besides, I think Kit would want me to. If I don't I'll just sit here brooding and feeling guilty. If I decorate at least I will have the memories as I unpack each decoration we acquired over the 17 years we were together. As I string lights outside I'll remember that we bought these together at the post-holiday sales last year to replace the old strings we’ve used for many years. Even though Kit was very sick at the time she was planning for this Christmas.

Wanna hear something really ironic? Ever get music stuck in your head? I do, and to make it worse I tend to hum or sing the tune without realizing it. I can’t carry a tune in a bucket! Well, every Christmas for years I get “Blue Christmas” stuck in my head. Even worse, I tend to sing it with an exaggerated Elvis voice. Drives Kit nuts! Earns me dire threats of retribution! The irony is that the stupid song is yet again stuck in my head, and now seems to be my theme song for this holiday season.

Change of subject, and my other update: In late October Kit’s mom flew down from Wisconsin. We then drove to Charleston, SC, for the placing of Kit’s memorial in a memorial reef a few miles off the coast. Kit always loved the ocean. Last summer, after she was diagnosed with cancer, Kit asked me to do this for her. Her ashes were incorporated into a reef ball and lowered into the ocean to serve as part of an artificial habitat for marine life. I brought my pipes with me, the pipes that Kit bought for me but didn’t live to hear played, as they were special order and took months to complete. I played for her at the end of the ceremony. I played three tunes: “Lochaber No More” (an old Scottish lament) for all of the loved ones whose memorials were dedicated that day, “Dark Island” for Kit (one of her favourite pipe tunes), and “Amazing Grace” for all of the families there on the boat with us.

Regards,
John

Terry

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    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #1 on: November 22, 2010, 08:49:18 AM »
Hi John,

Thanks for the update. It's nice to hear that you'll be spending Thanksgiving with friends. Enjoy the day and I know that Kit will be spoken of, with love because she will be there with all of you, in spirit. Let us know how your day went!

Songs stuck in our head...every year, mine is, "I'll be home for Christmas" and I don't even have to hear it, it's always there. (and I'm sure Elvis can't hold a candle to you) LOL

How is Kit's Mom doing? I feel for her, truly. And, so glad you have one another to share your fantastic Kit!

The memorial sounded just awesome, with the tunes and how Kit is going to be remembered and live on in a place she so loved. That is really so touching! Thanks for sharing your darling Kit. I enjoyed your post so much, John!

Take care and hope to hear from you soon!

(((((((((((John & Kit Forever))))))))))

Love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #2 on: December 03, 2010, 09:55:43 AM »
((((John)))))

Thinking of you.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Luvinmike

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2010, 10:08:18 AM »

Hi John;

I'm sorry for your loss. That is a very sweet and beautiful memorial for your beloved Kit, thanks for sharing this.
I hope you will take good care of yourself during the coming months and learning how to live with your sorrow and pain.
 
I am sending you a wish for strength, courage and humor to help carry you along.

Do whatever feels healthy and comfortable to you during the holidays, remember others really do care, even when you feel alone.
Again so sorry.
Terri

mousewife

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #4 on: December 06, 2010, 01:00:59 AM »
John,
I am so sorry that you have had to lose your wife.  I know how hard it is.  My husband has been dead from this life for over two and a half years.  Though I am much better, I still miss him every day and sometimes have bad days.  The holiday times are the worst.  I always loved the song "Blue Christmas" sung by Johnny Mathis, but it certainly does have a much different meaning to me now.  I also have liked "I'll Be Home for Christmas"  also sung by him.  This year I finally hooked up myhusband's receiver and turntable and bought new speakers so that I can play records that I have not heard for years and some of his music that I'm sad to say we never listened to together.  I will be listening to these two songs though, and thinking of my Sweetheart

It is good that you can think of good times that you shared when you put up your decorations.  I can do that now too.  But the first two years I cried with every ornament I hung.


Peace and Healing,

mousewife

querencia

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #5 on: December 16, 2010, 08:24:15 PM »
Oh john, I had to smile when I read about you mentally singing  "Blue Christmas" because the song that has been driving me nuts is "Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas". Everywhere I go, it is playing on the music loudspeaker; I believe I have heard it a thousand times, and it breaks my heart every time with all that happy anticipation that although everything is rotten this particular Christmas, "Through the years we all will be together" and we will live happily ever after. Actually, I kind of doubt that, and that's the part that hurts..  When I went shopping they kept playing it in every store and mall and then on the way home the guy in the subway who sings for money was singing, guess what. Now that despised song is running through my head and I can't get rid of it. And I  do not think that "Next year all our troubles will be miles away"; I think they're just starting.

johnkmurray

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #6 on: December 18, 2010, 12:54:26 PM »
Funny how lyrics to songs we've heard for years are suddenly coming into focus for us.  Every year I tune in to a local station that plays only Christmas music all of December.  A couple of weeks ago I was listening on my way home and "Merry Christmas Darling" (Karen Carpenter) came on the car radio. This is not a new song, in fact I bet I've listened to it every year for close to 30 years, but I found myself listening to the lyrics and I lost it; bawling like a baby while driving home on the highway.

John

mamadonna

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #7 on: December 19, 2010, 05:53:26 AM »
Seems like everything I do makes me bawl these days!  The music makes it even worse.  I keep telliing myself - it's just the holidays.  For some reason, I am banking on the new year to make it better.  I sure hope I am not settiing myself up!  Last night was the second family Christmas get-together for the year.  One more to go and I have made it this far.  One day at a time - and if the music is too bad, I turn it off.  Hope you have a better day today!

Donna

johnkmurray

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #8 on: December 20, 2010, 02:40:06 PM »
Terry: Kit's mother and I talk regularly. She's doing as well as can be expected. I'm very fortunate that I always got along well with my mother-in-law. It made it easier all around when she came to stay with us often during Kit's treatments and has helped both of us in dealing with Kit's death.

johnkmurray

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #9 on: December 24, 2010, 11:49:10 AM »
Seems like everything I do makes me bawl these days!  The music makes it even worse. 

Donna, you're not alone in that. Everything I love about Christmas ties to Kit somehow. It is like looking at a group photo in which one person was cut out. Whether decorating, baking, shopping, planning festivities, spending time with friends, watching movies or listening to music, at every turn her absence from that scene makes her loss all the more painful and the tears flow. I'll never again see her face light up with joy as she opens a special gift, or see the love in her eyes as we snuggle together while listening to our favourite holiday music.

It is now Christmas Eve. Each day has been harder to face. The only thing I want for Christmas is the one thing I can never have again. Old Saint Nick, well that gift is beyond his powers. I suppose I should be grateful for the years we did have, but right now I can only think of how much I miss her, need her.

Will I eventually be able to move on with my life? Maybe, but for now all I am unsure of how I'll get through the rest of today.

And tomorrow


mamadonna

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Re: Update, or "re-Hello!"
« Reply #10 on: December 30, 2010, 06:42:14 AM »
Yes, John K, you will someday be able to move forward.  Since this is my second loss of a husband, I can honestly say that you will someday reach that time - it is not the same for everyone.  That being said, I can also say that none of us will ever be the same again.  Our life is forever changed because we have lost a love.  I look back and smile to think I have been loved by two wonderful men and look at today and cry because they are not here. 

Someday, I will look foward to watching my grandsons grow and marry, make their own memories and lives. This is the hard part, because the moving forward is a slow process that hurts on the way.  We all will get there.  One day, one hour, at a time.

Love and prayers, Mama Donna