I'm in so much pain

[grammies girl]

My Gram passed away on Sunday.  She raised me and was my world.  I went to her nursing home to care for her twice a day for 10 years.  She was always my best friend.  I can't believe she is gone.  I am so devastated.  Even though her health got worse and worse , she held on for so long.  I think she always knew how much I love and needed her.  She was a huge part of my day and schedule for so many years.
I don't know how I made it through the services the last couple of days.  Sometimes I just sit and moan and cry.  I long for her so much.  I long to hold her hand and kiss her face, like I do every day.  I cannot fathom life without seeing her again.  I am so lost, so sad, I just don't know what to do.
I don't see how I can live the rest of my life without her...every day at certain times I would go see her, I look at the clock and want to  go.  I feel like my world has crashed down.  I always knew this would be the worst day  of my life, but now having experienced it, it is worse than I could even imagine.

Can anyone help me?

[browneyedgirl]

Hi grammies girl ~

I am so sorry for the loss of your Gram.  It's so clear in your writing how much you loved and cared for her. 

Welcome to Webhealing.  You will find many people who understand what you're going though.  Grief is a hard thing and unique to everyone, give yourself lots of time and be patient with yourself.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.

[SarahW]

My Gram passed away on Sunday.  She raised me and was my world.  I went to her nursing home to care for her twice a day for 10 years.  She was always my best friend.  I can't believe she is gone.  I am so devastated.  Even though her health got worse and worse , she held on for so long.  I think she always knew how much I love and needed her.  She was a huge part of my day and schedule for so many years.
I don't know how I made it through the services the last couple of days.  Sometimes I just sit and moan and cry.  I long for her so much.  I long to hold her hand and kiss her face, like I do every day.  I cannot fathom life without seeing her again.  I am so lost, so sad, I just don't know what to do.
I don't see how I can live the rest of my life without her...every day at certain times I would go see her, I look at the clock and want to  go.  I feel like my world has crashed down.  I always knew this would be the worst day  of my life, but now having experienced it, it is worse than I could even imagine.

Can anyone help me?

Hi, grammies girl.

When you lose someone so close to you, that was such a big part of your everyday life, it hurts.  I know it doesn’t take the pain away, but know that what you are feeling is normal.  There are no shortcuts to letting yourself feel the pain, and grieve.

It will get better.  Use this board or any other outlets you have, to help you express your grief and deal with it.  It takes time; it’s different for everyone.  If time goes by and you worry that you don’t seem to be feeling better, think about finding professional help, like a minister or a counselor.

We are all here for the same reason – dealing with the terrible pain of loss - and it helps to know we not going through it alone.  So thanks so much for sharing. 

Be good to yourself.

[grammies girl]

thank you browneyed girl and Sarah,

This is the worst feeling I could ever imagine.  I always knew it would be bad , but wow, the pain is horrible.

I keep thinking I will never see my dear Gram again, and I just cannot accept that.  I am trying to be strong, because that is what she would want, but hardest thing ever.

I am glad I found this site.
Thank you again.

[SarahW]

thank you browneyed girl and Sarah,

This is the worst feeling I could ever imagine.  I always knew it would be bad , but wow, the pain is horrible.

I keep thinking I will never see my dear Gram again, and I just cannot accept that.  I am trying to be strong, because that is what she would want, but hardest thing ever.

I am glad I found this site.
Thank you again.

Yes, it's the hardest thing ever.

I hope I will see my husband and my parents and my son again one day.  If there is an afterlife, I will surely be with them again; I don't doubt that.

And if there isn't, well,  then keeping them alive in my heart and my memory for the rest of my days, and as you say, "being strong because that is what they would want," is all that is left for me to do - i.e., to honor them with the way I live my life, from here on out.

I am glad you found this site, too.  I have only been here a few days, but I realize it is already helping me to read and share.

All my best!

[Terry]

Hi grammie's girl,

I'm so sorry. Of course you're devastated. How could you not be? The finality of death is extremely difficult to cope with. I'm glad you found us here at Webhealing and I hope you'll feel the same love and understanding that I always have.

It may be too soon as we are all so unique in how we grieve but when you're able, start a journal. It was truly lifesaving for me, especially in the early days, weeks and months after all of my losses. I would write letters to them, letting them know of my day's activities and would always sign off with, "Goodnight!" It gave me a sense of closeness to them and since our lives change in an instant when someone dies, some sort of routine is healthy to continue. I couldn't just let the relationship end when their physical existence came to an abrupt end.

Right now, please take very good care of yourself. Resting if you can't sleep and drinking plenty of fluids. Grief/pain zaps our immune systems, so it's not only emotionally that we suffer.

Come back and tell us more about your precious grammie when you are able and know we are here for you.

Again, I am so sorry for your great loss.

(((((((((((((((grammie's girl))))))))))))))

My love,
Terry

[grammies girl]

Thank you, Terry.    When I wake in the morning, its the hardest because it all hits me fresh again.   I have an appointment this morning to speak to my therapist who I have been seeing about 6 months now.  I started seeing her because this is something I was always so afraid of , and knew I would need alot of help, especially now, when my Gram is gone.  I am hoping she can help.
I don't know when I should go back to work.  I was going to go Monday but I changed it till Tuesday, and hope I can make that.  I am a private person and just dread people coming up to me.  I know they mean well, but it just opens it all up. How can I work when I am in so much pain?  I know I have to go back but don't know how.
I think I am losing it sometimes.  In my mind I hear my Gram saying things to me like come on, its ok, and Grams ok, I'm sorry I couldn't stay with you anymore but I'm here.  Then I don't know if its really her with me or me just telling myself these things to make myself feel better.  It just happens out of the blue though and I am not thinking of doing it.  We always had such a connection, I hope its her.  Does anyone else experience this?

I am praying for everyone on this site.  I never knew the pain in this.  always knew it would be the worst ever, but never just how bad.
My friend who lost her Mom years ago keeps telling me to pray to the Holy Spirit....I am doing that.

God bless and love to you all.  Thanks for answering my posts.  It really helps.

[browneyedgirl]

Wondering how you are doing....please update us if you like

[3of5]

Hi Grammies Girl,

Hope you are hanging in there.  I know there are others who would like to get an update if you're able.

A couple of things you said were so similar for me in one of my recent losses.  My Grandma passed away almost a year ago today.  She also raised me about half of the time.  She was also in a home and like you I had visiting as big part of my schedule.   It sounds like you were such a great friend and grand daughter to your Grammie.  As good as anyone could be.  You can take strength in the fact that you have no regrets.  You were there for you loved one and that means a lot.  I'm sure your Grammie was so grateful and proud to have you by her side.  I know my Grandma would thank me, and I would always say, it's nothing you haven't already done for me a thousand times over - and she would smile.

Your comment about not liking waking up in the morning has been the same for me too.  It all seems to flood back in.  I ask myself it is real or maybe just maybe it was a dream and as I awake more it will all go away.  But as I realize it isn't I think what you mentioned is how would my Grandma want me to spend today.  Moping around our getting things done.  She was a real get things done kind of lady.  So I use that to give me strength.

I agree, that it is the worst feeling in the world.  One that I was not at all prepared for.  I can tell you that as much as it is still hard.  It does get easier.  Good days and bad, but more good than bad at this point.

I wish you strength and send you my thoughts.

Take care,
- 3of5