Thank You, Wendy. I appreciate your taking the time to share how you feel regarding this situation I'm struggling with because although I disagree with some of what you shared, I believe it came from your heart and is genuine.
Of course I understand where your reply is coming from. It comes from bits and pieces and hours, days, weeks and even years of your own struggles with the loss of your children. And, I'm sorry.
I read where you shared with Rebecca: "It doesn't matter why they had a falling out but maybe he can share tidbits of Jason that you aren't aware of. I know not everybody feels the same way, but for me, I want/need to know everything - the good and the bad - all the things that made my son his uniquely own person."
I respect that this is the way you feel and you're right about everybody not feeling the same as you. I don't want or need to know all of the details of the great pain that was caused to my son. Because I already know all the things that made my precious son his uniquely own person. He was beautiful and in every way. Was he flawless? No. But, his heart was pure as was his intentions. And, because he was such a trusting person, the choices he made regarding the friends in his life were not always in his best interest. He paid a price for that.
November is a terrible month for me with emotions bouncing me every which way as it's when Jeff came home for my Dad's Birthday and Thanksgiving and when everything started happening that caused great pain in his life that soon would be ended. The situation with the two loves in his life became an emotional battlefield and I held my son as he cried and asked why this was happening.
I lay in bed at night and still hear him sobbing. I would have given anything to take that pain from him and the first two years after he died I bargained with God that if He gave us another chance, He could cause ME the great pain and suffering and I would accept that as an offering, as an exchange for Jeff's.
I often share, Wendy that when the road we're on becomes very complicated, it's due to other factors that are weighing heavy on our hearts. Right now it's my Dad. I'm watching him disappear, literally before my eyes and can do nothing.
I do the best I can having buried all of my children and being the rock in the family because everyone else is falling apart. And, just the anticipation of knowing what's ahead in regards to my sister and the holiday's, and if anyone remembers the many posts, the sharing regarding my sister and the unimaginable pain and stress she brings into an already volatile situation, has caused me to step back, re-evaluate, meditate, pray and hope that I will still be the rock after all of this is said and done. Someone has to keep it all together and it seems I have been elected to do just that.
So, in closing and in comparison to all else that's going on right now, no I don't have the time or the energy to soothe anothers wounds. I have my hands and my heart full. I am not responsible for this man's redemption. His life is his and he will remain accountable for his actions. Good or bad, right or wrong I have made my decision. And, with that decision I have made my peace and am able to release any further pain and hurt I have been feeling.
Again, I appreciate your taking the time to listen, to care and to respond with such. We cannot grow unless we are honest with one another, regardless of whether or not we own the same understanding. Because your honesty has truly brought out many feelings in me this morning and for that I am very grateful.
Thank You, Wendy! I wish you peace, also. And, thoughts of your precious Keith, always!
My love,
Terry