Author Topic: a phone call  (Read 2790 times)

Rebecca

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 831
    • View Profile
a phone call
« on: October 23, 2010, 11:52:49 AM »
A former friend of Jason's who lives in Switzerland called to say he would like to stop by and say hello.  He and Jason parted friendships.  I said we would be home in the afternoon but it pains me to see him.  I want to know why he stopped being friends with Jason although Jason said he, this boy, always knew everything and he finally got sick of it.  I hurt so much... it gives me a headache and all I want to do is sleep but I have so much to do.  We are going to Aruba in a few weeks, then Thanksgiving and then the baby.  My heart is in a knot.  I know that there are  many of you out there who would change places with me and for that I am sorry.  I just can't keep up with my feelings.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Annie1973

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 336
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #1 on: October 23, 2010, 09:27:12 PM »
A friend of Dans sent me an email not too long ago telling me that he had gone to an event in Seattle called "hempfest". He said he missed being there with Dan, smoking weed and getting wasted.
This really is not the way I want my son to be remembered or missed, but what was I going to say?

It's so hard to have reminders of our sons' lives that aren't exactly what we like to be reminded of.

I truly am so sorry for the hurt you are feeling.

Annie (Dans mom)
Much love,
Annie (Dans mom)

Rebecca

  • nospam
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 831
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #2 on: October 24, 2010, 06:30:17 PM »
and u too Anne.  I think we know what our kids did, at times, but that does not explain who they are or what they did.  We know, the good, the bad, the ugly and naturally the best.  Which is the only part of our children we want to remember.  Keep this in mind, if Dan was doing what his "friend" was doing... then he, the friend, was doing the same.  Does not make them good or bad, makes them prone to what society pushes.
Love, Rebecca Jason's Mom

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #3 on: October 25, 2010, 01:58:25 PM »
Hi Rebecca,

A good friend of Jeff's contacted me just last night and wanted to come over sometime this week. It's just not a good time for me. I've found that it does get easier to say NO, thinking of my feelings only. Yes, grief can be selfish but it's my heart that I have to care for and no one else will be around to mend it. It's always a tough call.

I wish you peace in your decision.

My love,
Terry

WendyRN

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 338
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #4 on: October 27, 2010, 12:05:15 PM »
Maybe Jason's friend is missing the relationship he once enjoyed with your son...the good times and good memories...and wants to share these experiences with you.  It doesn't matter why they had a falling out but maybe he can share tidbits of Jason that you aren't aware of.  I know not everybody feels the same way, but for me, I want/need to know everything - the good and the bad - all the things that made my son his uniquely own person.  We keep in contact with many of Keith's friends and I am always learning something new.  A funny story, a crush I wasn't aware of, a good deed, an episode I wouldn't necessarily be proud of - but all part of his short life experience.  There are a couple of his ex-friends that find their way to our home when we have our annual "Keith's Luau".  It is hard to be around them as I know why these friendships dissolved (and I know the resultant hurt on Keith's part). 

Only you can know if you are strong enough to meet with him.  Whatever you decide is the right decision.

Wendy, Keith's mom

momofwatsonx

  • nospam
  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 198
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2010, 07:49:59 PM »
The first couple of years after Josh died his buddy's keep in touch, they would stop over just to check on me.... now I hardly ever see or talk to them, I could see the pain in their faces when they stopped over..... I felt for these boys, because they were so close to Josh and i knew it was hard on them... now they all have their own lives and they go on... i feel jealouse that Josh didnt get to be a part of this, but i know my son and the love he had for his friends........he wouldnt want me to feel that way..... when i get really down....out of no where one of the boys will call, text  or stop by....i know that Josh sent them to me when i needed him.... its a hard road, you want to be a part of their lives, but it is so painful at times...



Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2010, 09:02:15 PM »
I shared the other day here about a friend of Jeff's wanting to come over to talk with me. I explained to him that it wasn't a good time but I would be in touch with him at a later date.

I knew there was a reason I handled it the way I did. You know that feeling way down deep inside? Well, yesterday I received a call from his wife and she went on and on about the guilt he was feeling over words they had just a week before Jeff died, things he shouldn't have said because they were cruel and he needed to "get it off of his chest" so would I please see him?
Gee, it only took him 7 years and 9 months to have the desire, the courage to confront a wrong doing.

I'm not in the magic wand business so therefore cannot magically or instantly release him of the guilt he's been carrying around. He's just going to have to work that out on his own. Now, if he wants to apologize for hurting my son, then that's a different story. I made that clear to his wife and was very specific regarding how I felt about the time that has elapsed.

I'm a forgiving person as was Jeff and it's a shame he didn't know my son well enough to know that whatever he's done, Jeff has already forgiven. I will see him and let him know that he needs to do the "work," the soul work that we all need to do instead of expecting a free "no-guilt' pass. Like it or not, he has to reach within himself, confront the wrong instead of dropping by and expecting something that has not been earned. And, I will not listen to the details in regards to the words that hurt my son. My heart cannot handle that. It cannot handle much more pain.

Just venting.

WendyRN

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 338
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #7 on: October 31, 2010, 08:03:23 PM »
Terry:  Feel free to vent away.  I hope you will try and understand where my reply is coming from.  I have read and re-read your posting now a few times and feel the pain between the words.  And I see how much energy you are using in defense of Jeff and a conversation between friends that went awry.  Perhaps they both used words they  later regretted.  Stuff happens between friends - arguments and hurts.  Please know I am not trying to second-guess your feelings and when or if ever you might see forgiveness on the horizon - these feelings are your own and will come when you're ready.  I only wanted to make comment on the level of upset it seems to be causing you.  The friend's "free 'no-guilt' pass" over the past 7 1/2 years has really been anything but.  Hanging on tight to anger is complicated and confusing to our guilt-ridden journey of forgiving ourselves for the loss of our children. 

Hoping tomorrow brings a little ease of your burden.  Be kind to yourself.  Seek a peaceful moment.........and breathe.

Wendy, Keith's mom

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #8 on: November 01, 2010, 07:11:04 AM »
Thank You, Wendy. I appreciate your taking the time to share how you feel regarding this situation I'm struggling with because although I disagree with some of what you shared, I believe it came from your heart and is genuine.

Of course I understand where your reply is coming from. It comes from bits and pieces and hours, days, weeks and even years of your own struggles with the loss of your children. And, I'm sorry.

I read where you shared with Rebecca: "It doesn't matter why they had a falling out but maybe he can share tidbits of Jason that you aren't aware of.  I know not everybody feels the same way, but for me, I want/need to know everything - the good and the bad - all the things that made my son his uniquely own person."

I respect that this is the way you feel and you're right about everybody not feeling the same as you. I don't want or need to know all of the details of the great pain that was caused to my son. Because I already know all the things that made my precious son his uniquely own person. He was beautiful and in every way. Was he flawless? No. But, his heart was pure as was his intentions. And, because he was such a trusting person, the choices he made regarding the friends in his life were not always in his best interest. He paid a price for that.

November is a terrible month for me with emotions bouncing me every which way as it's when Jeff came home for my Dad's Birthday and Thanksgiving and when everything started happening that caused great pain in his life that soon would be ended. The situation with the two loves in his life became an emotional battlefield and I held my son as he cried and asked why this was happening.
I lay in bed at night and still hear him sobbing. I would have given anything to take that pain from him and the first two years after he died I bargained with God that if He gave us another chance, He could cause ME the great pain and suffering and I would accept that as an offering, as an exchange for Jeff's.

I often share, Wendy that when the road we're on becomes very complicated, it's due to other factors that are weighing heavy on our hearts. Right now it's my Dad. I'm watching him disappear, literally before my eyes and can do nothing.

I do the best I can having buried all of my children and being the rock in the family because everyone else is falling apart. And, just the anticipation of knowing what's ahead in regards to my sister and the holiday's, and if anyone remembers the many posts, the sharing regarding my sister and the unimaginable pain and stress she brings into an already volatile situation, has caused me to step back, re-evaluate, meditate, pray and hope that I will still be the rock after all of this is said and done. Someone has to keep it all together and it seems I have been elected to do just that.

So, in closing and in comparison to all else that's going on right now, no I don't have the time or the energy to soothe anothers wounds. I have my hands and my heart full. I am not responsible for this man's redemption. His life is his and he will remain accountable for his actions. Good or bad, right or wrong I have made my decision. And, with that decision I have made my peace and am able to release any further pain and hurt I have been feeling.

Again, I appreciate your taking the time to listen, to care and to respond with such. We cannot grow unless we are honest with one another, regardless of whether or not we own the same understanding. Because your honesty has truly brought out many feelings in me this morning and for that I am very grateful.

Thank You, Wendy! I wish you peace, also. And, thoughts of your precious Keith, always!

My love,
Terry

WendyRN

  • nospam
  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 338
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #9 on: November 01, 2010, 12:26:09 PM »
Terry, my response was in recognition of the hurt/anger I read in your post.  Although I try to temper my words, sometimes the written word is construed differently than a face-to-face.  I like to think of this forum as a place I can respond as though I was sitting across the room, sharing all the compassion and understanding of what which we so regrettably have in common.

Thankfully, we have free will and make our choices according to what we are comfortable and/or ready to live with.  You have mentioned how very difficult the coming weeks will be for a variety of reasons.  When we spend so much of our time living in the dark valley of life, its hard to enjoy a sunrise....but we try.  I was trying to suggest, in my very clumsy manner, that even if you are unable to forgive yet (feelings I am also trying to deal with), I wondered if you could let some of the anger go.  When we have so much on our plates, its okay to leave the "spinach" behind. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Terry

  • Administrator
  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5951
    • “Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.” –Vicki Harrison
    • View Profile
Re: a phone call
« Reply #10 on: November 01, 2010, 02:39:17 PM »
Hi Wendy,

I understood exactly what you were so kindly suggesting and the advice you were offering and once again, I am very appreciative that you took the time to respond.
I agree that we have the compassion and understanding for one another in common and the only reason you could relate to what I was sharing. And, what I was referring to in regards to the 'bit's and pieces", the all of our very unique journey. We both struggle with different issues since our children died.

And, I don't think your manner of expressing yourself was clumsy, at all!

After my vent the other day, I realized that I was transferring a lot of what has been going on in my life right now to a situation that didn't warrant the importance I was placing on it. Due to that realization, I made a decision and have felt peaceful since.

Yes, where would we be without free will?

I DO believe and would like to start using them myself when posting, that emoticons are helpful because as you shared, the written word can be too easily misconstrued. There is no tone of voice. No facial expression. And, we could be thinking one thing and wow, can it become confusing. I've seen it happen more than once. Thanks for that reminder!

Speaking of "spinach," I'm making chicken balls tonight and of course they are stuffed with many ingredients and the main being, spinach! So, while I agree that with our plates overflowing at times that the spinach can be left out, tonight that would be a mistake!!! :)

Take care, Wendy!
My love,
Terry