Author Topic: Loss of my sister  (Read 5757 times)

helene

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Loss of my sister
« on: October 12, 2010, 11:11:33 AM »
Hello. I'm Helene and I lost my older sister suddenly on July 14 of this year. I have another brother and a sister but we're not very close because we're all from a broken family and suffered from different emotional problems. I'm in my forties and my older sister was fifty-five. She was a very bright person but because of her emotional problems she ended up in a rooming house on a disability pension. Her name was Lesley and she suffered from a rare form of seizure that is not epileptic but rather is emotionally caused. They are called psychogenic-seizures and have all of the symptoms (petit mal and grand mal) that epileptic seizures do. She died having a seizure alone in the bathroom at the rooming house in the middle of the night. She must have got up to use the bathroom. She managed to lock the bathroom door and then it must have happened. I keep going over the details over and over in my head - what she must have felt when she woke up in the middle of the night...her last minutes of life...She had a very lonely life and I feel guilty because I couldn't always be there for her when she needed me due to my own problems. Well, now it is October and the sympathy cards and condolences are long over and nobody talks about her any more while I constantly am feeling haunted by her death. I am triggered into tears by a variety of things and it just won't stop. I feel terribly alone even though I am married to a wonderful man. (We have no children.) But he doesn't want to talk about her any more either. Thank you for reading this.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #1 on: October 12, 2010, 12:33:55 PM »
Hello Helene ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your sister Lesley.  What a heartbreaking story. 

I know the feeling of no one talking about her anymore, I often feel that way with my brother.  It's like everyone is forgetting about him, although he's been gone just over 18 months.  It certainly doesn't seem like that long, and I am still finding that the tears are falling, not quite as much, but they do.  My brother also died alone, my father found him in his bed after he didn't answer the phone.  I, too, found myself thinking alot about his last moments of life, did he know he was dying?  Did he just go to sleep and not wake up?

Welcome to Webhealing, I am sorry you have to be here with us.  There are many people here that will support you and offer a supportive word when you need it.

I hope it will help you as it has helped me.

Come back and let us know how you are doing, okay?

Take care of yourself.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

deebee

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #2 on: October 12, 2010, 01:44:51 PM »
I read your story and started tearing up.  My prayers and sympathies are with you during this time.  I too lost a sibling--my brother David--about six months ago, under very tragic horrible circumstances, and I find myself asking the same questions you do.  Did he know what he was doing? Was it quick?  He was in a car, allegedly stolen, and running from the police at high rate of speed.  He "lost control" and hit a small dump truck head-on, and was killed almost instantly I was told.  I feel very bitter right now--mostly against NYS police, and nobody says David's name anymore.  I think of him every single day, wonder why he did what he did, why he chose the path he took.  It's very hard to deal with.  But with all the supportive people here, we will all get through it, no matter how long it takes.  I will cry for you and your sister, along with my brother.  w/ love, deebee

helene

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #3 on: October 13, 2010, 07:28:29 AM »
Hi Debee and Browneyedgirl,

Thank you for your heartfelt condolences regarding the loss of my sister. Please accept my most sincere and caring sympathy for the losses of your brothers. Each of you is suffering and I realize that I am not alone during this terrible time. Debee, that is a horrendous tragedy regarding your brother in that police chase. I have heard of people dying needlessly in police chases and no wonder you are angry at the police. I don't know how to really get through all the pain  of losing my sister.  I've been reading books on grief, like 'Recovering from the Loss of a Sibling', which is good, but nothing takes away the pain. I have such mixed feelings about my sister. She was so terribly troubled emotionally and there was nothing anyone could do for her because she wouldn't let them. She lived in our house (my husband and I) in a separate unit for three years. I thought being together as a family would help but it didn't. Her seizures often woke us during the middle of the night and I'd be terrified she'd fall down the stairs. I am not surprised she died in a bathroom because she most often had her seizures and panic attacks in bathrooms. It's all very sad and I too feel compassion and empathy for your losses. Being able to communicate with each other like this is a help for sure.


Helene & Lesley

deebee

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #4 on: October 13, 2010, 10:33:33 AM »
Dear Helene--- Thank you for your wishes, I appreciate them.  My brother too had emotional problems and issues, which landed him ten+ years in/out of jail/prison, for stupid things, nothing ever violent, but stupid, like check forgery, stealing from family, that kind of thing.  David would never have hurt a fly, and didn't intentionally hurt his family.  He was a hard worker, loved the outdoors, never lazy when it came to working.  He laughed a lot, but some of it was to cover up pain, you know?  He also felt he had to lie to his family about his life, and how good it was, even if it wasn't.  He was a pathological liar and believed the lies he told, but no matter what, his family loved him and worried about him.  I'm crying as I write this, as I cry every time I think of him too much, or talk about him.  But I know I need to do it and face it, or I'll never get through it.
I feel really bad that you lost your sister through such circumstances, how hard it must be to deal with the loss.  You could not save her, just like I could not save David, mostly from himself, his own worst enemy.   I'm glad you have someone to listen to here, as I am to be able to "talk" and to listen also.  It helps so much.... Love, deebee

helene

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #5 on: October 13, 2010, 12:31:10 PM »
Deebee,

Some people lead tragic lives and our siblings were two who certainly did. It is so hard to witness one's brother or sister going down a destructive path in life where those lives end prematurely in death.  Like your brother, my sister Lesley was innately a gentle person but was hurting too much inside for her to lead a healthy productive life. But I do believe that she knew that I loved her and I bet your brother knew that you loved him. That's the most important thing I think and I try to remember the moments with my sister that had a glimmer of happiness and all the hugs we gave each other over the years. Take good care of yourself and I hope you have a trusted and loving person you can talk with during these painful weeks and months. Love and hugs to you. Helene.


Helene & Lesley

deebee

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #6 on: October 14, 2010, 07:01:19 AM »
Thanks Helene for your support, which means so much.  I have a cousin I could talk to who has experienced her own losses of family members, similar but not quite the same.  She's still going through tought times herself, so I don't want to burden her too much.   I really don't have anyone else to talk to about him that really understands, especially not my husband--that's why I'm here at webhealing.  I know that David loved me and my siblings, as much as we loved him.  He knew how much I wanted him to succeed once he was released from prison, so he tried not to disappoint me, but it was inevitable that it's what would happen.  I felt the need to watch out for him, help take care of him and help out when needed.  It wasn't enough. 
I've been taking classes in Criminal Justice for a second degree and am currently taking a class--Criminal Psychology, which I hope will help me understand my brother, his actions, etc.  I've discovered that he may have been APD, Anti-social Personality Disorder, w/ some of the symptoms of that disorder.  I've been trying to look for answers that way, and this may be it.  We'll see.   I hope it leads to some understanding of why David was the way he was.  I'll be back to this site to tell more of my story  (see Brother David gone - 7 months now).  Take care. Love  deebee

helene

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #7 on: October 14, 2010, 10:25:59 AM »
Your courses in criminal psychology should be a help to you I am sure and figuring out that David may have had ADP (is that 'Antisocial Dissociative Personality'?) should be a huge help for you as you continue to look into that. (I think a condition that is very similar is Borderline Personality Disorder, which I know my mother has.) I have read many psychological/medical books to discover that my sister suffered from many forms of dissociative disorders, the kind of seizures she had being one kind (psychogenic seizures) which are emotionally caused and are not epilepsy, yet the results are the same when these people have seizures. There are other things she suffered from: dissociative amnesia and fuging to name a few more. I won't go on, but it has been a help for me to understand better WHAT caused my sister's death. I know it all stems back to us being from a very broken family.

I wish you all the best with finding out more about your brother David! Best wishes and love, from Helene.


Helene & Lesley

browneyedgirl

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #8 on: October 14, 2010, 01:45:47 PM »
((((Helene and deebee))))
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

Gail08

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #9 on: October 14, 2010, 02:02:56 PM »
Please accept my heartfelt sympathy for the loss of your dear sister.  I too lost my dear sister, who was older.  Her last week was so full of pain and I could do nothing but sit and watch her die.  I understand how you feel about nobody talking about your dear sister.  I am going through the same thing.  I need to talk about her but no one else wants to.  In fact, I was told just a couple of months ago that I shouldn't talk about her.  That is where Webhealing has been a TREMENDOUS help for me.  I hope it is as much a help to you as well.  Just know we all here care, understand and will listen and talk ANYTIME you need to.

You take care of yourself and just take it one step and one day at a time. 

Gail
G                                  Sisters 2 the end
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 J O L E N E              In my heart 4 ever

helene

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #10 on: October 15, 2010, 01:29:02 PM »
I agree: this forum is a Godsend! Every day that I read what you all are sharing and how kind and supportive you are to me in the midst of your own grief is changing my life for the better. I feel something different happening inside of me and that difference is that I'm not alone. None of us have to be alone despite the isolation of our day-to-day interactions with people we come in contact with - telling us, either verbally or non-verbally - that we're not allowed to talk about our sister or brother who has died. We CAN talk here and comfort each other and I am tremendously grateful for that. The love I feel from this forum is palpable and real. I am away for the weekend but intend to be back by the week. Blessings to you all, Helene.


Helene & Lesley

LaVonne

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Re: Loss of my sister
« Reply #11 on: October 15, 2010, 06:26:37 PM »
Helene and Deebee: My heartfelt sympathies to both of you. I am so very sorry and hope you can find some peace here. I lost a sister in law,Brother in law and son. I am usually on other board but check in once in a while.  I was really close to sister in law. we did everything together.  know I care and hope I can help in some way.  LaVonne