My son took his life last month. He turned 25 in September, and it's only been 35 days since he passed, and every day since then I have been in agony, wondering how I'm going to live the rest of my life with out him. I toss and turn all night long. I sit and stare at his pictures on his facebook page, I visit the guest book on line from the funeral parlor everyday and I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. The worst part is he left behind his sister and two nephews; one is 7 and the other is 18 months. My 7 year old grandson carries around a small photo album with my son's pictures in it and tells me every time he sees me how much he misses "uncle A" I try so hard not to break down into tears in front of my grandson, and remind him how much "A" loved him.
Gloria, I am so very sorry to hear about your son. My son was 29 when he died. He did not commit suicide; he died of a sudden illness, about 1 yr and 3 mos ago.
In the first few months, I did exactly the same things you are doing. I could not sleep. Every day, I went to the funeral home obit and guest book. I stared at pictures. I cried at least half the time I was awake.
My son hung him self in a jail cell because he was tired of living the life he had chosen. He was a recovering addict and struggled daily with the pain of life, sadness, and despair, and in his last days of life he did something that he thought would help his family financially, and pay back all that he has taken from us. It didn’t work, and he was arrested, and face several years in jail. But now he has left us and we have to live out our lives with out him. If he could here me now I would tell him that 5 years in jail would have been so much easier for us to take then an entire lifetime with out him.
I'm writing here today because I have no one to talk to, no real friends who care because they "don't know what to say to me". I can't even pay a shrink to listen to me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any health insurance. So I have turned to this, writing my feelings on a computer, hoping that someone out there might see this and take the time to talk to me. Take the time to care for a stranger when her "friends" can't take the time out of their busy days to listen for a little while.
Please write as much and as frequently as you like.
I was lucky to be working in a secure (so far) job, with health insurance, so I do have a counselor. It is helpful. Do you maybe have a priest or a minister that would listen? Or support groups you could attend? I live in a small town, but there is a suicide support group (through NAMI – the National Alliance on Mental Illness), and other “mental health” type support groups for people suffering from emotional problems.
The national NAMI site is at
www.nami.org . And there is a page to find your
local chapter, also.
But depending where you live, there may be other places. I was living in a large city when my husband died (many years ago) and I was in the same spot you are – no insurance, no job. But there was a “Widowed Persons Support Group” run by one of the churches (but it was for anyone, you didn’t have to be a church member).
So consider googling for no-cost support options. It can be very helpful.
I miss my son so much, all I can see when I close my eyes at night is him lying in a hospital bed, sweat beading on his brow, tubes in his throat and nose, needles in his arms, his chest rising ever so slowly. I sat there for 10 hours after we took the breathing machines keeping him alive away. Ten hours of watching every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, and wondering "is this the last one". I had to pull his eyelids down as they kept popping open, only to have and his lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, all the while telling him how much I loved him, and I forgave him for all the things he had done.
I had a very similar experience with my son, though he died very soon after the machines were gone.
I replayed it in my head constantly at first (for months); it is not as constant now.
I miss my son so much, and if I don't some how find someone to talk to, some one who won't "tune" me out because they don't know what to say, then I'm going to loose my mind.
Can some one who has been in my shoes Please tell me how to make the pain go away?
I miss my son so much, too. So much. People don’t know what to say, or they say the wrong thing.
You are doing the right thing, looking for people who understand, to talk to – whether it is on the web, or face-to-face.
There is no way to make the pain go away.
I can tell you that it gets better – not in the sense that it stops hurting, but in the sense that it quiets down a bit, and you learn how to manage the pain better.
I’m sure it is different for everyone, but here are things that have helped me, in the last year:
--My counselor; talking to others
--Slowly finding things to keep me busy (work, volunteer work)
--Socializing even when I didn’t feel like it (though I am always ready to leave early if I can’t handle it)
--Doing some things to honor my son (e.g., I framed some of his artwork, and sent pieces to friends and family; I had my favorite picture of him enlarged and framed, etc.)
--Trying to take good care of myself (haven’t been perfect at this, but I’m trying)
--Letting myself cry and scream as much as I want when I’m alone. Just letting myself feel the pain and let it out.
--Writing to my son whenever I feel like it.
You are suffering through one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and it’s only been 35 days. I admire you for even being able to come here and write.Much love to you.