Author Topic: Introductions  (Read 18696 times)

Motherof3

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #30 on: January 05, 2011, 05:37:11 AM »
Tina, I am so sorry that you are feeling so alone in your time of needing someone to truly understand how you feel, how much you are hurting and missing your son. I truly hope that your daughter comes to realize how much you need her now.Maybe she doesn't know how to share with you her feelings of her only brother's decision to end his life. Now she has lost her only brother and has become an only child. I think one day it will hit her and she will come to you. Just remember all that you have had with Alex and try to take some comfort in those memories. They are memories that no one can take away from you ever. Take some comfort and joy in your grandchildren, enjoy some time with them. I do know what you are feeling, I often sit here alone and wonder if anyone really realizes how much I hurt. I put on a brave face and face the world when inside I just want to curl up in a ball and let it all go by without me. I can't believe that next month will be a year already since Rachel died, it still feels like just yesterday.Yes, our children will be waiting when our day comes to join them and everyone that has passed before them. One day we will all be a family again in a much better place. A place where there will only be joy and love. No more pain and hurting. That place will be Heaven. God has kept us here because he knows that we are strong enough to get through this and whatever else He has planned for us. He isn't ready for us yet. Tina, we will make it...together!
  If tears could build stairway and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring You home again. Rachel will always be in My Heart. Sleep with the angels baby girl!

CarolDG

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #31 on: January 05, 2011, 12:27:55 PM »
  December 9, 2010, my beloved 39 year old son and only child committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Most of his life he was depressed and tried to find help, but money is needed for the good help, and he could not hold down a job, so no money. He was a very angry young man, and his father is a very very angry man. His father, my ex, talked about suicide ever since I have known him, and my son probably heard it from birth. As it is now, the father has just talked about suicide, and our son is the one who killed himself! With my son gone, I feel as though I have lost everything and have no reason to live. How I can go on escapes me now, but I have read that that feeling will pass; I feel devastated, angry, hurt, punished, helpless, hopeless, and alone. Being alone is my biggest fear, and I am alone now because 14 years ago I separated from the man I was married to for 26 1/2 years because I could no longer put up with the abuse and disrespect and now my son is dead. I feel as though I am being punished for something because of all of the suffering I have endured. I was afraid that my son would someday commit suicide, but I had hoped that he would not do it. Now he is gone for good, and I all I have are memories. No more touching him, seeing him, or hearing his voice. I am afraid to feel because I am afraid that all I will feel is pain. No matter how much I miss my son, no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I ache, death is final, so he is gone; I cannot ache him back, I cannot cry him back, I cannot hurt enough to bring him back; I only survive until I can thankfully die and not suffer any more because my son is gone. Thinking of an afterlife is of no comfort now because I miss him NOW. I have to live until I die, and I will not see my son again here on earth. How can the pain be so intense?
  
« Last Edit: January 06, 2011, 10:09:50 PM by CarolDG »

Motherof3

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #32 on: January 05, 2011, 07:54:26 PM »
((((Carol))))
 I am so sorry for the loss of your son, but I am thankful that you have found your way here. Unfortunately it is a site that never of us want to belong too but am glad that we are here for each other. Your pain is so intense because you are a mother who has lost her son! A child is someone who we love unconditionally and we as parents are supposed to outlive them. You are feeling exactly how a parent should feel after the death of a child. Your loss is so new and raw that it is understandable that your emotions are in turmoil. They will be for a long time to come but know that it is what we are all feeling here. I hear it does ease with time but I am still waiting for that time to come myself. I lost my youngest daughter Feb. 5th of this year. She hung herself in her condo. It was 11 months ago today and I still cried today. Please come here as often as you need too and someone will always answer you. Fell free to write as much or as little as you feel the need too.When you are ready we would like to hear more about your precious son. Again,I am so sorry for the loss of your son.
   I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts ((((((Carol ))))))
      Gale
  If tears could build stairway and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring You home again. Rachel will always be in My Heart. Sleep with the angels baby girl!

gloria61

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Re: Carol
« Reply #33 on: January 06, 2011, 04:12:46 AM »
Carol,

I recently lost my 25 year old son to suicide in October 2010. I know your pain, I know your heartache and often think myself that if I just died the pain would go away. I have found some consolation here, which I cannot seem to get from my “loved” ones.

I wish I had the answers that it seems we both need; why did our son’s do this? What could we have done to prevent it? There isn’t a day or an hour that I don’t think of my son. I had the added agony of sitting by my son’s side for 10 hours after life support was removed, watching and waiting for his last breaths. I can’t tell you when the pain goes away because I fear that it does not. I’ve read what others write here and it appears that the pain does not go away; it sounds like eventually we may find ways to live with and redirect it, and it sounds to me from others that write here that the pain can rear it’s ugly head when we least expect it.

I to sit here and wish for my own death: so that I can be with my son again, but I have a daughter and two beautiful grandsons living with me that need me right now. I have not yet gotten counseling, but plan to do so very soon. I have no one to talk to; my daughter has told me she doesn’t want to talk to me even though she lives in my home. I see the pain in her eyes; I know the loss she is feeling; yet I can’t talk to her. My “other half” also lives here and I can’t talk to him because he hated my son, as well as my son hated him. So I’m living in a house full of people I love but yet I live in a house alone??

I am so sorry that you have to come here to write as I have done, and many more before us. But take comfort in knowing that you are not alone. Gale has responded to my posts many times, and I can honestly say that on a few occasions in the middle of the night I have come to my computer and read her words over and over, and they have brought me the comfort my own loved ones have not. Thank you Gale, in your pain and grief you have brought comfort to someone else.

As Gale has said, please write, as often, as much, or as little as you need and want. I have found that writing here helps; I know it won’t bring my son Alex back to me, but being able to express my pain and anger is comforting, even if it only lasts a few minutes.

Tina (Gloria61)
My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #34 on: January 06, 2011, 07:00:51 AM »
Hi Carol,

I am so deeply sorry to hear of your son's death. I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing where you'll receive a lot of support as others here understand what it is like to lose a child, although losing one to suicide carries many different emotions and although every death is painful, there are others on here who can relate to your loss and I know will be a comfort to you.

We all suffer with the pain of child loss, sadly and have found one another through this safe haven where we can share anything; feelings of guilt, anger, intense sadness....just know we care, very much and if you should need any help on any part of these boards, please feel free to message me and I will do what I can for you.

Again, I am so sorry, Carol. And, thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I know how difficult that is.

((((((((((((((((((((Carol))))))))))))))))

You have my Love,
Terry




CarolDG

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #35 on: January 06, 2011, 12:23:00 PM »
  I poured my guts out and ended up losing what I had written because I do not understand how to use this site, so I will have to post again some other time since I feel disappointed and do not want to write the same thing again.
  Thank you to those of you who posted comments.

gloria61

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #36 on: January 06, 2011, 05:50:15 PM »
Carol,

If it helps and you have the ability I suggest writing what you need to on a word document and save it, then you can cut and paste it into the reply box.

I too have sat and written only to tap the wrong key and loose it all. I strongly suggest you try using a program like Word, or note pad; write out all that you want and copy and paste it.

Don't give up!

Tina
My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #37 on: January 06, 2011, 06:46:40 PM »
Carol,

I'm so sorry to hear that happened and like Tina suggested, and I've always done it when posting is to copy and paste into a word document. It has become a sort of online journal for me in another area of my PC! You may even find it helpful to read through them every now and then. It has also helped me!

Tom is always upgrading as needed for the boards and the time change from 60 to 180 minutes was included in the most recent one, especially since he was aware that it was causing the members some unneeded frustration.
(this will alleviate having you to sign back in after 60 minutes as was the timing originally!!)

Thank You, Tom!

Please let me know if there is anything I can do to help such as posting a picture of your precious son...whatever you need, Carol!

My Love,
Terry

CarolDG

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #38 on: January 07, 2011, 07:42:53 AM »
  Bubba completed suicide, and I am in hell. Even with the aid of a sleeping pill, I only sleep six or seven hours. Waking up feeling devastated and distraught about Bubba’s death is driving me nuts! Every morning upon waking comes the dawning once again that Bubba is dead. Oh that I could know that he is at peace! Peace is what escaped him here. He was embarrassed because he thought that he was not what appeared to be successful. 
  Monday I attended a support group for those who have lost a loved one to suicide which meets the first Monday of each month. Conversing with the other women who had lost sons to suicide was awesome because we know of each other’s pain firsthand.
  Loneliness plagues me even more now with Bubba’s suicide. I live alone which bothers me and causes anxiety. I mourn because I had to divorce the man I married; he abused me verbally and mentally and was disrespectful. Even though it has been 14 ½  years since we separated and eventually divorced, I am still mourning the loss of my marriage and the fact that it was not my dream marriage but was a nightmare. Now I also mourn the son we had together.
  Sometimes I feel as though I did not know Bubba very well because I did not know that it was as bad as it was for him, and I ache thinking of the torment he endured, and I must not try to endure his pain because his pain is over.
  I do not want to be defined by pain, yet I hurt so much physically and emotionally over Bubba’s suicide that I often find it hard to believe that there is relief which I so desperately need because I have mourned hard for four weeks.
  Taking care of myself is most difficult since Bubba’s suicide because I find it hard to want to go on, yet I wake up each day and make it through somehow. Bubba talked about a mission; he did not know what his mission was. He had such angst, and I experienced angst over his angst. I am thankful that he walked this Earth with me for almost forty years plus the time in utero. He had a shorter journey here on Earth, and he left his footprints on my heart.
  I have read the other posts, and I give you my condolences over your losses and send you peace.
  Yesterday, I finished reading My Son…My Son… A Guide To Healing After Death, Loss, or Suicide by Iris Bolton, and a suicidologist told her and her family that there was a gift for them in their son’s death since opportunities to help themselves and to help others  will come their way because of the death of their son, and I find that comforting.
  I just want to curl up into a ball and disappear rather than have to face another day in my hell. I chose to have one child, and he took his life. It seems to me that I am writing about someone else’s life because I did not think that my child would actually complete suicide. He is gone, and I did not know that he was leaving; I feel hurt that he did not call me and give me a chance and that he did not say goodbye, but I can also understand that he must have been in too much pain and was afraid that writing a  suicide note would keep him here when all he wanted was to be out of here. I need to forgive him for what he did.

CarolDG

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #39 on: January 09, 2011, 04:45:28 PM »
  Today, January 9th, is one month since Bubba ended his life. Most of the day has been overcast and snow has fallen for several hours. I feel anguish, agony, pain to the core of my being, sick, still shocked, abandoned, deserted, and forlorn. I am wondering if I am being punished for something by  having to live through such a tragedy because it sure feels like punishment to me. Yesterday, the younger of my two brothers said that I was taking this too well, but he does not see the inside of me like I do. The depths of the pain of Bubba's death goes too deep and hurts so much that I can hardly stand it. I talk to Bubba; I wonder if he is listening now.

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #40 on: January 10, 2011, 08:07:01 AM »
  The depths of the pain of Bubba's death goes too deep and hurts so much that I can hardly stand it. I talk to Bubba; I wonder if he is listening now.

I believe he is, Carol. I still am not able to place this pain in any category that doesn't closely relate having been totally shattered. I'm so sorry. I can remember, but also being in such a fog earlier on not being able to fathom ever wanting to rejoin life again. In the beginning, in this awful stage of shock it's one moment at a time and then another and another until sleep finds you and brings you a tad of peace?, respite from the awful pain. I'm glad you're able to write all of these feelings down and express this pain you feel.

Try, as hard as it is to snack during the day and be sure you're drinking plenty of water/fluids. Grief/pain zaps our immune systems and we can become very ill. Please try and take care of yourself the best you can and know there are others here who understand and support you, every step of the way on this very, very difficult journey.

I don't feel Bubba's death was due to any event in your life but I do understand how you feel. Some or even a lot of us have felt we were being punished and the reason our children died. In time, you will realize that you were a good mother who loved deeply and a terrible tragedy occurred that was not in your control. It's devastating losing a child and in the beginning, we blame ourselves for not being able to save them, for how could a mother not know their child was in trouble? I often asked why I didn't "feel" anything as I always felt when something was wrong so how could I not have known my son was going to be killed? Because, I'm just a human being and don't possess those powers. It took a long time to make peace with that fact. So, please know I understand.

Others will say things that are very upsetting simply because they don't know what to say. People judge our grief, at times by how we appear to be, on the outside. Maybe your brother is just concerned. He's watching you go through, and will continue to, so many changes and that's why it's so important to seek balance and that balance is obtained, in part by surrounding yourself with those who truly understand your pain.

Please know I am here for you, day or night. We all are, Carol. Have you started a journal yet?

I'm sending you a big hug and sure wish you could feel my arms around you because I'm holding you tight.

((((((((((((((((Carol))))))))))))))

With love and loving thoughts of your precious Bubba,
Terry


Donnys Dad

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #41 on: January 12, 2011, 10:46:38 AM »
I too am very sorry to hear of your tragic lost.  It sure hurts.

I lost my son Donny at age 30, almost 7 years ago.  He had a wonderful job, a new house, truck and parents that did and would do anything for him.  He and I were so very, very close.  His girlfriends use to say we were connected at the hip.  I saw him on almost a daily basis as he only lived 2 miles away.  We would be mowing lawns together part time, working on his house or traveling to football games or NASCAR races.

He did not call or come by one Sunday.  On Sunday night I was on the couch when a cold erie breeze blew over me.  I thought Oh no something is wrong.  I drove to his house and found him on the couch in his wreck room.  He had shot himself in the head with a gun I had given him.

7 years later and I still break down almost daily.  He was my Son, my Best FrFriend, My Buddy, My life which ended when I found him.

Do glad to see that this suicide site has started.

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad