December 9, 2010, my beloved 39 year old son and only child committed suicide by shooting himself in the head. Most of his life he was depressed and tried to find help, but money is needed for the good help, and he could not hold down a job, so no money. He was a very angry young man, and his father is a very very angry man. His father, my ex, talked about suicide ever since I have known him, and my son probably heard it from birth. As it is now, the father has just talked about suicide, and our son is the one who killed himself! With my son gone, I feel as though I have lost everything and have no reason to live. How I can go on escapes me now, but I have read that that feeling will pass; I feel devastated, angry, hurt, punished, helpless, hopeless, and alone. Being alone is my biggest fear, and I am alone now because 14 years ago I separated from the man I was married to for 26 1/2 years because I could no longer put up with the abuse and disrespect and now my son is dead. I feel as though I am being punished for something because of all of the suffering I have endured. I was afraid that my son would someday commit suicide, but I had hoped that he would not do it. Now he is gone for good, and I all I have are memories. No more touching him, seeing him, or hearing his voice. I am afraid to feel because I am afraid that all I will feel is pain. No matter how much I miss my son, no matter how much I cry, no matter how much I hurt, no matter how much I ache, death is final, so he is gone; I cannot ache him back, I cannot cry him back, I cannot hurt enough to bring him back; I only survive until I can thankfully die and not suffer any more because my son is gone. Thinking of an afterlife is of no comfort now because I miss him NOW. I have to live until I die, and I will not see my son again here on earth. How can the pain be so intense?