Author Topic: Introductions  (Read 17816 times)

Tom

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Introductions
« on: October 11, 2010, 05:01:14 AM »
Please use this thread to introduce yourself and say hello to the group.
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gloria61

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #1 on: November 16, 2010, 06:57:30 PM »
My son took his life last month. He turned 25 in September, and it's only been 35 days since he passed, and every day since then I have been in agony, wondering how I'm going to live the rest of my life with out him. I toss and turn all night long. I sit and stare at his pictures on his facebook page, I visit the guest book on line from the funeral parlor everyday and I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. The worst part is he left behind his sister and two nephews; one is 7 and the other is 18 months. My 7 year old grandson carries around a small photo album with my son's pictures in it and tells me every time he sees me how much he misses "uncle A"  I try so hard not to break down into tears in front of my grandson, and remind him how much "A" loved him.
My son hung him self in a jail cell because he was tired of living the life he had chosen. He was a recovering addict and struggled daily with the pain of life, sadness, and despair, and in his last days of life he did something that he thought would help his family financially, and pay back all that he has taken from us. It didn’t work, and he was arrested, and face several years in jail.  But now he has left us and we have to live out our lives with out him. If he could here me now I would tell him that 5 years in jail would have been so much easier for us to take then an entire lifetime with out him.
I'm writing here today because I have no one to talk to, no real friends who care because they "don't know what to say to me".  I can't even pay a shrink to listen to me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any health insurance. So I have turned to this, writing my feelings on a computer, hoping that someone out there might see this and take the time to talk to me. Take the time to care for a stranger when her "friends" can't take the time out of their busy days to listen for a little while.
I miss my son so much, all I can see when I close my eyes at night is him lying in a hospital bed, sweat beading on his brow, tubes in his throat and nose, needles in his arms, his chest rising ever so slowly.  I sat there for 10 hours after we took the breathing machines keeping him alive away. Ten hours of watching every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, and wondering "is this the last one".  I had to pull his eyelids down as they kept popping open, only to have and his lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, all the while telling him how much I loved him, and I forgave him for all the things he had done.
I miss my son so much, and if I don't some how find someone to talk to, some one who won't "tune" me out because they don't know what to say, then I'm going to loose my mind.
Can some one who has been in my shoes Please tell me how to make the pain go away?
My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

SarahW

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #2 on: November 16, 2010, 08:13:39 PM »
My son took his life last month. He turned 25 in September, and it's only been 35 days since he passed, and every day since then I have been in agony, wondering how I'm going to live the rest of my life with out him. I toss and turn all night long. I sit and stare at his pictures on his facebook page, I visit the guest book on line from the funeral parlor everyday and I just don't know how I'm going to make it with out him. The worst part is he left behind his sister and two nephews; one is 7 and the other is 18 months. My 7 year old grandson carries around a small photo album with my son's pictures in it and tells me every time he sees me how much he misses "uncle A"  I try so hard not to break down into tears in front of my grandson, and remind him how much "A" loved him.


Gloria, I am so very sorry to hear about your son.  My son was 29 when he died.  He did not commit suicide; he died of a sudden illness, about 1 yr and 3 mos ago. 

In the first few months, I did exactly the same things you are doing.  I could not sleep.  Every day, I went to the funeral home obit and guest book.  I stared at pictures.  I cried at least half the time I was awake. 

Quote
My son hung him self in a jail cell because he was tired of living the life he had chosen. He was a recovering addict and struggled daily with the pain of life, sadness, and despair, and in his last days of life he did something that he thought would help his family financially, and pay back all that he has taken from us. It didn’t work, and he was arrested, and face several years in jail.  But now he has left us and we have to live out our lives with out him. If he could here me now I would tell him that 5 years in jail would have been so much easier for us to take then an entire lifetime with out him.
I'm writing here today because I have no one to talk to, no real friends who care because they "don't know what to say to me".  I can't even pay a shrink to listen to me because I don't have a job, and I don't have any health insurance. So I have turned to this, writing my feelings on a computer, hoping that someone out there might see this and take the time to talk to me. Take the time to care for a stranger when her "friends" can't take the time out of their busy days to listen for a little while.


Please write as much and as frequently as you like.

I was lucky to be working in a secure (so far) job, with health insurance, so I do have a counselor.  It is helpful.  Do you maybe have a priest or a minister that would listen?  Or support groups you could attend?  I live in a small town, but there is a suicide support group (through NAMI – the National Alliance on Mental Illness), and other “mental health” type support groups for people suffering from emotional problems. 

The national NAMI site is at www.nami.org .  And there is a page to find your local chapter, also.

 But depending where you live, there may be other places.  I was living in a large city when my husband died (many years ago) and I was in the same spot you are – no insurance, no job.  But there was a “Widowed Persons Support Group” run by one of the churches (but it was for anyone, you didn’t have to be a church member).

So consider googling for no-cost support options.  It can be very helpful.

Quote
I miss my son so much, all I can see when I close my eyes at night is him lying in a hospital bed, sweat beading on his brow, tubes in his throat and nose, needles in his arms, his chest rising ever so slowly.  I sat there for 10 hours after we took the breathing machines keeping him alive away. Ten hours of watching every breath, every rise and fall of his chest, and wondering "is this the last one".  I had to pull his eyelids down as they kept popping open, only to have and his lifeless eyes stared at the ceiling, all the while telling him how much I loved him, and I forgave him for all the things he had done.


I had a very similar experience with my son, though he died very soon after the machines were gone.

I replayed it in my head constantly at first (for months); it is not as constant now.

Quote
I miss my son so much, and if I don't some how find someone to talk to, some one who won't "tune" me out because they don't know what to say, then I'm going to loose my mind.
Can some one who has been in my shoes Please tell me how to make the pain go away?



I miss my son so much, too.  So much. People don’t know what to say, or they say the wrong thing.

You are doing the right thing, looking for people who understand, to talk to – whether it is on the web, or face-to-face.

There is no way to make the pain go away.

I can tell you that it gets better – not in the sense that it stops hurting, but in the sense that it quiets down a bit, and you learn how to manage the pain better.

I’m sure it is different for everyone, but here are things that have helped me, in the last year:
--My counselor; talking to others
--Slowly finding things to keep me busy (work, volunteer work)
--Socializing even when I didn’t feel like it (though I am always ready to leave early if I can’t handle it)
--Doing some things to honor my son (e.g., I framed some of his artwork, and sent pieces to friends and family; I had my favorite picture of him enlarged and framed, etc.)
--Trying to take good care of myself (haven’t been perfect at this, but I’m trying)
--Letting myself cry and scream as much as I want when I’m alone.  Just letting myself feel the pain and let it out.
--Writing to my son whenever I feel like it.

You are suffering through one of the worst things that can happen to a person, and it’s only been 35 days.  I admire you for even being able to come here and write.

Much love to you.



I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #3 on: November 16, 2010, 09:19:38 PM »
((((( Gloria )))))

I am so sorry to hear about your precious son. Just heartbreaking and thank you for sharing so much of his story, and so soon. No one will 'tune-you-out' on here, ever. Share as little or as much as you are able, day or night. There is always someone here to listen.

I know the intense pain you are feeling and there are really no words to describe it. I came to Webhealing when my surviving son of almost 29 years died. I didn't know how I was going to take my next breath. I couldn't sleep because when I would awake from a nap I realized it really DID happen and the pangs of pain would overwhelm me. In January, it will be 8 years that my son died.

Please try to take good care of yourself, the best you can by resting if you can't sleep and snacking on healthy foods and drink a lot of fluids. Stress/pain/grief plays havoc with our bodies and we can become very sick. It also weakens our immune systems and the main reason for the illnesses we can contract.

Welcome to our Webhealing family where you will feel safe sharing any feelings you are having. I'm glad you found us but so sorry you even had a need to.

The pain doesn't 'go-away', Gloria. It just lessens in intensity over a long period of time. But, I sure wish I could take all of our pain away. Dates marking any memory of them are always very difficult and you're facing your first Holiday season without your precious son. Please stay close to those who understand the pain of child loss. I don't know where I would have been if I didn't find this board one very, very lonely 3AM shortly after Jeff died. I knew I was no longer "Alone" in any of my feelings as I thought I was just going to disappear, the pain was so bad.

Again, I am so deeply sorry for your great loss and know I am here anytime you need to talk.

I'm sending you lots of hugs and I'm holding you so close to my heart, Gloria.

((((((((((((((((((Gloria))))))))))))))))

You have my love and understanding,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #4 on: November 17, 2010, 11:32:48 AM »
((((Gloria))))

Please accept my sincere sympathy for the loss of your son. 

Welcome to Webhealing, I am sorry you have to be there with us.  There are, unfortunatly, many mothers/fathers on here that have lost their children.  Feel free to post on the Child Loss Board, too, if you like.

We are like a family here, there is always someone who will listen and someone who cares.

Please come back and let us know how you are doing.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

ScottW

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #5 on: November 17, 2010, 01:29:23 PM »
Hello Gloria.  My sincere condolences to you. 

You have found a place where you will NEVER be tuned out.  Please continue to post - and post as often as you'd like.  As is the case with most of (all of?) the members here, for me this site has been a safe haven, a source of strength, and perhaps even a life saver.

Allow yourself space and time to grieve . . .
Scott

gloria61

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Gloria61 thanks you so much
« Reply #6 on: November 17, 2010, 08:23:00 PM »
I'd like to thank all of you for being so supportive and welcoming me to webhealing. There is so much I need to say, but I don't where to start, the story of my son seems so long. Like I said in my original post I really don't have friends to talk to and my boyfriend; I'll call him "T" hated my son A, and A hated T just as much, so talking to T is not an option.

I mentioned in my first post that my son was a recovering addict. He became addicted to heroin about 6 years ago when he was about 17. It was a year before I knew A was a heroin addict. I started finding things from my home missing, he would steal anything and everything; and if you bought something to replace it he stole that too. Eventually he started stealing from others ended up in jail.  When he was released with the ankle bracelet, I let him come home; he did very well for a couple years.  He got a job, found a nice girlfriend and when the bracelet came off and he finished his probation he moved to another near by state for a couple years with his girlfriend and her mother. He did well there, but found it hard to live with the mother. It was not a good mix for my son, he didn’t get along with the mother. So A and his girlfriend moved back to the state and city I live in. He eventually started spending time with the same people when he was doing heroin, lost his apartment, and his girlfriend.

I let A move back in, late in 2008.  By Jan of 2009 the stealing started again. My son had at some point stolen my ATM card and several checks and cleaned out my bank account, I had no choice but to allow the bank press charges, I was unemployed then too, and if I wanted to get my money back I had to do it.  He was arrested, and while waiting a trial date went back to the other state to live with a friend. In Jan of 2010 during a party his friend was playing around with a gun and fatally wounded himself. Since that time my son was severely depressed and blamed himself because he couldn't save his friend. He came back to my town, and was eventually arrested for the check and money theft, all charges he ran away from.

May of this year he was released on probation and I let him come home yet again. But by then my boyfriend was tired of the "game" and was always harping about stupid little things. I tried to keep peace between them, nothing worked. My son couldn't find a job, his probation officer was threatening to put him back in jail etc... I had lost the job I had for just over a year. I was a basket case; I couldn't support my son, and maintain mortgage payments and everything else. So I started harping on A also. I was so afraid of loosing my home, and my boyfriend; he told me it was him or my son. By the end of this August it all fell apart; my son was so desperate to come up with money so I wouldn't loose my home he did something illegal again. I thought he was doing something wrong, and told him I didn't want to know anything about it, I just wanted him to come up with money he owed me to help pay the mortgage.

Well whatever A did made the police show up at my home when A was not home, and my boyfriend said he was never to come back. At the end of September my son went back to the other state to hide from the police, but trouble found him there also. He called me a week later and said he was in jail, and the bail was really high. He wanted me to borrow the money against the house, but I told him I couldn't, no credit, no job; I have no means to get money for bail.

He was so upset, he said he was so sorry he disappointed me again; he told me he was so sorry that he caused so many fights between T and me.  I told him I would do what I could but couldn't promise anything. I told him how much I loved him, and would be in contact with him any way I could. Two days later he called me again; I knew something was very wrong, he was very distraught, he kept telling me how sorry he was for everything he has done, he told me that he couldn't live this life any more, and he didn't want to go to jail for a long time. He said he loved me and hung up. I knew something was very wrong, and I tried to contact the jail officials but only got voice mails.

Late the next night the phone call came; it was a hospital in the other state, 3 hours away. They told me I needed to come there, and that my son was in serious condition. When I got there they told me he had injured himself in the jail, and the damage to his brain was severe. I traveled back and forth 5 1/2 hours round trip, everyday for a day for a week while they hoped there would be some positive changes. Those changes never came, and a week later I had to give the OK terminate his life support, and I had to watch my son pass away. I sat there alone with him for 10 hours.

I can't help but feel this is all my fault; maybe I didn't try hard enough when he was younger to keep him off the drugs. Maybe some of the things like residential schools, and other things I tried made him worse. I can't help but feel guilty because my boyfriend and I made him leave because he was doing drugs again. Maybe I was wrong because I picked my boyfriend over my son. I just feel so much guilt. Maybe I should have driven to the other state and talked to my son in jail. But I didn't because my car would never have made it. Even though I knew part of what he did that got him arrested again was for me, to get money for my mortgage.

I’m sorry this is so long, but I needed to get it out. There is so much in my head, so many thoughts that if I had done more when my son was younger, or maybe I did too much. I don’t know, all I know is my son is gone and I had to tell this to someone. I apologize again that I wrote so much.

Thank you again for listening, and most of all thank you, if it weren’t for the kindness of strangers and being able to tell this I would go crazy.
My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #7 on: November 18, 2010, 08:09:15 AM »
Hi Gloria,

As I've shared before, we all understand the deep pain of child loss and the reason our hearts are so open to your hurt and devastation. I also commend you for the courage it took to write out your son's story, and in great detail. This is not an easy thing to do but very healthy.

Please don't ever feel you're writing too much or giving too much information or boring anyone because that is never the case here. Write as little or as much as you need to. That's what we've all done here and continue to do.

I can't imagine the added pain you experienced after receiving the call and the commute back and forth, not knowing when you arrived if he was still going to be alive. I'm so sorry. And, sitting there, waiting for anything to happen so that you could have your son back.

Gloria, I know the guilt you feel because we all feel guilt to a certain extent or should I rephrase that and say that I don't know of the guilt 'you' feel but I do understand feeling guilt. We do the best we can as parents. We all on here did. We all believe that we could have done things differently and wish we had. But, it all comes down to the love because we all loved our children and would never have done anything intentionally to harm them. We are human and we made mistakes as parents, some we wish we could do over and make right but we can't. That's the hardest part to deal with. And, in your situation, your relationship with your precious son it was compounded with many complications as a relationship in itself is difficult.When drugs are introduced into the scenario and I've read enough stories to know that the life you're living becomes a nightmare that you cannot wake from as no one can control another's addiction. It's not possible.

I have many friends who have lost their children to drugs and I have heard a similar story with each.

Many have sought counseling and it may help you. But, don't stop with the first one because I hear it may take many tries. I would seek out someone who has lost a child. We all choose different paths. I wrote until my fingers almost fell off and the pain was too much. I have ceiling high journals and I also came here every time I felt something and needed to share it. I leaned heavily on my faith, but it was strong before losing my children and remains so today. So, whatever you choose is right for you.

I know it's difficult but try to focus on you right now and please try to take care of yourself the best you can.

We all felt the same as you and still do at times...like we're losing our minds. Pain speaks. Pain roars and it can be ugly and overwhelming.

Tell us more about your son as you are able. Someone is here day and night. Know you are not alone on this very painful journey while grieving the loss of your son. And, know we care, very much.

Still holding you so tight.........((((((((((((((Gloria)))))))))))))

My love,
Terry

browneyedgirl

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #8 on: November 18, 2010, 09:38:06 AM »
((((Gloria)))))

Thank you for sharing your story.  I am so sorry. 

Terry has said some good things......I echo what she has said. 

Take care and come back soon.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

SarahW

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #9 on: November 18, 2010, 08:00:35 PM »
Gloria, I can tell from what you write that you loved your son very much.  And if I can tell that from here, your son must have known how much you loved him, also.  The most important thing is for a child to know he is loved, and you gave him that most important thing.  Lots of children never have that. 

Nothing can protect your child from all the ways there are for things to go wrong, in a person’s life.  Young people getting off track, due to drugs and other problems, is not unusual and can happen in any family.  It sounds to me like you were a loving mom who did her best, under very difficult circumstances, while living in this very, very imperfect world.

I understand about feeling guilty, and about needing to write and “get it out.”  I’m glad that writing here is an outlet for you.  Please write as much as you want, anytime.

Wishing you all the best as you deal with this pain – you are in my thoughts.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift

Motherof3

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #10 on: November 18, 2010, 09:31:26 PM »
Gloria,
   I am so sorry about the loss of your beloved son. I am thankful that you have found your way here to us though. know that there is always someone here who will listen and help in any way possible. I too lost my youngest daughter on Feb. 5th of this year the same way as you lost your son,so I know some of what you are feeling . The hurt, the anger, the guilt. I know I have felt all of it and still do. Your lose is still so new and raw but you are being given good advice here and will continue to receive all the help we can give to you and to each other. I am still relatively a new member to this site but it has helped me so much. It helps to write and sometimes just to read posts that others write. Some seem to say exactly what we are feeling and not sure how to communicate.
  Gloria, I am offering any help to you that I can. I am more then willing to speak with you in any form that would help you the best whether it be here,emails. Im's or a phone call. I am here for you. We can be here for each other. Maybe a 2 mothers still new to the pain,we can help each other.
  Hugs and peace ((((((Gloria))))))
      Gale( Motherof3 )
  If tears could build stairway and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring You home again. Rachel will always be in My Heart. Sleep with the angels baby girl!

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #11 on: November 20, 2010, 11:08:48 PM »
Thinking of you tonight, Gloria. The weekends were always especially difficult for me and also, night time. I don't know why, as I could barely keep track of the day of the week.

((((((((((((Gloria)))))))))))

Holding you so close, with love,
Terry


Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #12 on: November 20, 2010, 11:21:37 PM »
Such a caring post, Gale. It's a blessing when we can not only still remember that raw, early pain but when we are willing and able to reach out to another with an open heart. For, where would we all be right now if no one reached out to us when first we found this holy place? And, I know your pain is still so intense.
You have a beautiful heart!

I remain grateful for the love in this special place.

Always thinking of your precious Rachel.

((((((Gale))))))

Love you,
Terry

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night times are the worst
« Reply #13 on: December 06, 2010, 09:59:17 PM »
I haven't had the courage to write any more because once I get started I just can't stop, but I'm wondering how do you get through the nights when your mind just won't stop thinking about what you have lost? How to you get out of that train of thought. I sit here at night when the house is quite and I look at my son's facebook page, and a tribute page his ex-girlfriend made, and just stare into the photos with his beautiful blue eyes and wonder how such a handsome, beautiful being could feel so lost as to take his own life. If there really is a God, the why does he allow such sadness and pain in such a beautiful being.

I barely made it through Thanksgiving, and now I have to prepare to get through Christmas. I don't know if I can do it. I'm thankful for this site, and your kind words, but I don't know if it's enough. I don't want to call my son "A" any more. I did it because I was afraid to share to much information, but he had a name; his name was Alexander, he weighed 9 lbs 10 ozs when he was born. He had the most beautiful long eye lashes as a baby and small child. He was all a mother could ask for in a son and more. He brought laughter and tears into my life, and he was kind to others. One of the last times I got to spend the day with him I saw him give his last cigaretts, and last two dollars to a homeless man, when I walked out of my way to avoid the man. My son was a far better person then he was ever given credit for, and no one on this earth could ever make me think like wise. I miss him so much, and my life will never be the same again.

 
My beautiful son Alexander; forever lost, forever missed but never ever forgotten.
http://i1205.photobucket.com/albums/bb427/Tina_Farnsworth/Alex2008.jpg [nofollow]

Motherof3

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #14 on: December 07, 2010, 05:34:12 AM »
The nights are the hardest!! I still do the same as you. I sit up, the thoughts won't stop playing through my mind. I too sit at the computer on facebook looking at Rachel's pictures and the messages left for her. She has a memorial page also. I also put her facebook account into memorial mode so it will stay kept the way she left it. I sit on the back deck staring at the stars...talking to Rachel. I know she can hear me...feel me.The holidays are very hard..only do as much or as little as you feel up too. If you don't feel like doing anything at all, don't. Thanksgiving was the first holiday that I haven't cooked for in years but I just couldn't bring myself to even try to prepare anything. Christmas, I have done some decorating but nothing like I usually do. I made a memorial Christmas place for Rachel.Again, do only as much as you feel up too! December is hard enough getting through as it is, let alone when you are dealing with the loss of a child. I would rather just sleep through it and not have to deal with it at all. My daughter was born on Dec.22 and I brought her home from the hospital Christmas morning. I still have the red bow the nurses had put in her hair. You speak of the kindest you Alexander showed strangers, other people. Remember all of that and your precious memories you have of him and you will find comfort there. Remember that we are here to help !!! Hold Alexander close to your heart and he will live on through your memories!
  If tears could build stairway and memories a lane. I'd walk right up to Heaven and bring You home again. Rachel will always be in My Heart. Sleep with the angels baby girl!