Hi All,
I am Justrambling, and I am a mom to 2 adult "boys" both in their early 20's, a wife and a furbaby mom. I work as a Special Education Paraprofessional. I have lost several people that I was close to. First was my father-in-law in June 2009. We were at the house when it happened. Next, was my dad, who I always said was my "kindred spirit", in March 2010. I was devastated, but as a mom, I had to pick myself up and get on with life. I grieved, and it took several years before I could get through the anniversary without crying. Next in Feb. 2013 was my beloved boxer dog who had cancer and finally got so sick she had to be put to sleep. In some ways, that was harder than losing my dad. Because she was an everyday part of my life. My dad lived on the other side of the country, so I didn't see him every day. A year later, I had to put my sweet kitty to sleep. Then, in Jan. 2016 my brother-in-law (husbands brother) who we were very close to, died from cancer, although he was fighting cancer, we did not expect him to pass away as he did. He was only 52 and left behind his wife and his daughter. His daughter was completely devastated and has been in therapy ever since. Then Sept. 2016 my cousin, who was my best friend, passed away from cancer. Since her passing, I can't even talk about her without crying, I have been really struggling to get over her death, she was only 55yrs. old. My grandpa passed away that same weekend. Anyway, after him, a very good friend suddenly died in her sleep in Dec. 2016. In Oct. 2017 my sister-in-law, also only 52 (husbands sister) who was a year younger than me, suddenly passed away, she was the caretaker for my mother-in-law, so we all had to step up and take turns taking care of her, which was extremely stressful. Then, in June 2018 I had to put my last kitty to sleep, right before I was having hip replacement surgery. We've also had some longtime friends pass away recently as well. I am not saying all this for sympathy, but to explain maybe that I've had so many hits that I haven't had an opportunity to process and grieve, so I feel like I'm not myself anymore. I don't have joy, I can laugh, but it is just momentary, and lately, I've been struggling with having any sort of feelings. When my friend passed away suddenly, I didn't even cry, not even at the memorial service, and that is TOTALLY not like me, I'm an easy crier. Lately, I don't know if numb is the right word for how I feel, but I feel like I have one feeling....and no strong feelings one way or another for anything. I used to be really social and loved going out and doing things with friends. Now, I much prefer staying home. I have anxiety attacks sometimes, I've had to call in sick some days because I was feeling overly anxious. The thought of having to make a phone call to some office or anything makes me panic and not be able to do it. The thought of going to a gathering of more than 2 or 3 friends, makes me DREAD even going, so therefore, I tend to turn down the invitation. I realized last week that maybe I need grief counseling to help me process all these things. I'm having anxiety about calling the office about getting an appointment. I talked to my sister-in-law about it, who then told my niece that I was anxious about it. She is so sweet, she told me that she would go with me to my appointment if I wanted her to. So I think I may take her up on that offer, otherwise, I think I would keep putting off calling for an appointment. Sorry for all the rambling. There's a reason I chose my username to be Justrambling....I am hoping that this will be a good place for me to go to help me get through this, so I can be back to my regular self.
