Author Topic: Introductions  (Read 44499 times)

AmyP

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #60 on: August 14, 2015, 10:34:51 AM »
Hi All, I am new here. My name is Amy, I am 34 years old, married with no children yet and I live in Georgia. I am a homemaker and a christian.

My story all starts back to last July 2014. My stepmother was diagnosed with a rare brain cancer, and given three months to live. It was automatically stage 4 cancer. She lived two months after, passing away on September 8th, 2014. We were close, and my father was married to her for 14 years. That was just the start of what would be my year of pain, grief and hell on earth.

Just a month after this, in October 2014, my mother and best friend gets diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and it started out stage 3. It progressively got worse, and after her being in and out of the hospital with chemo and radiation for 2 months, she finds out that it didn't do any good, and it was spreading to her lungs, and then it was "downgraded" to stage 4 and they made her a terminal cancer patient, telling her there was nothing else they could do and gave her 3 months to live. After being in hospice care for just a month after the doctors saying that, she passed away on July 30th, 2015 at home. I live in a different state from my family, they are in Virginia while I am in Georgia. I flew down there her last two weeks of life and took care of her, spend time with her, and watched her while she seemed to just fade away little by little. I was lucky to have one last conversation with her saying all we needed to say to each other. She passed away two days after our goodbye conversation. I flew home two days before she died, because I would not of been able to handle seeing her take her last breath and I needed my husband when it happened who wasn't with me at the time. We drove down for the viewing and funeral, and I feel like I was just in a daze, like I was outside of my body watching everything happen, almost like a robot. I came home with a SUV full of my mom's belonging, she left me almost everything in her will. I have all of her memories and heirlooms to pass along if I ever have children which I am thankful for.
 
Since I have been home, I seem to have days where I just can't cry at all, and other days where all I do is cry all day, and can't stop. My heart feels so heavy and full of pain, like a bowling ball is sitting on my chest. I talked to my mom every day on the phone and not being able to speak to my mother for two weeks now is pure torture. What I would give to hear her voice again, or hear her laugh. I don't know how to move on, and live on without her. I wake up each day and just seem to go through the motions because I have to. She wasn't just my mother but my best friend so I feel like I lost two people in one here.
 
I am now without a mother figure in my life and I am only 34 years old. I feel too young to be having to go through so much loss and pain. I have lost 6 uncles and an aunt also.  I don't have any children either and now I am afraid to because I don't have a mother to help me with my pregnancy and teach me how to be a mother. I am also now the only girl in my family and all I have is my dad and two brothers. We all live in different states, and my only local support is my husband, but he works 6 days a week and long hours. I don't have any friends in person because I do not drive. I don't know who to turn to. I am a christian and I do believe in God but with all of these things happening, my faith has been a bit shaken, and the questions of why God? seem to cross my lips quite a bit. I don't see the bigger picture in all of this. I know they are both in heaven, but I just want them here with me. Why take both of my mom's?
 
I don't know if I am alone in feeling like this, I hope someone understand where I am coming from. I could use someone to lean on, talk to and some support from someone who knows how I feel and what I am going through. Thank you for reading.
R.I.P Mom 
Virginia Luke
January 26th, 1952-July 30th, 2015
Died of pancreatic cancer

R.I.P Stepmom
Anna Eubanks
July 26th, 1943-September 8th, 2014
Died of a rare brain cancer

FunctionalForm

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #61 on: September 25, 2015, 11:09:37 AM »
Good afternoon, everyone.

My name is Jennifer, and I'm new member of this group; I found the forum while searching for resources for only children dealing with the recent death of a parent.

My mother passed away on September 1st, 2015 of  heart attack. She was 72. Despite several resuscitation attempts at home, she was unable to be revived. Given that she wished to be cremated, my father arrived at my office to drive me to view her body and pay final respect.

I've been able to make some progress in coming to terms with life events my mother won't see. I'm 36, unmarried--and although I told her when I was a teen that I had no desire to have children, I would have liked her to see my obtain a second master's degree, and start my own business. She likely would've been interested in whomever's going to become my husband--assuming I just don't become the "old lady with fast cars and multiple yapping dogs."  But unfortunately, I've been having difficulty in coping with basically everything else surrounding her death. This mostly stems from my feeling emotions on the complete opposite ends of every possible spectrum. I'm somewhat glad that she has moved on to a place where she won't be in so much pain (as she was bed-ridden for the final weeks), but I feel remorse that she didn't reveal exactly how much pain she was in due to not wanting me to worry.

I question my father's claim to that explanation, however, as well as a lot of other aspects of her passing, as my relationship with my father was non-existent at best...and mostly toxic at normal. My mother didn't fare much better with him than I did, and she developed several coping mechanisms to deal with his continual latent emotional abuse. While I was more adamant about their separating when her health was somewhat better, after she reached a certain age I could tell that she was no longer interested in doing so.

Which would be normal in and of itself, except that 1) she was a rape survivor (an issue which went largely unresolved and untreated for psychological and emotional healing), and 2) she was actively physically abused by my father. I used the terms active and latent in reference to my dad's abuse because when I was younger, it was more intentional (physically and emotionally) toward a desired effect...but as the years progressed the emotional became so commonplace and almost institutionalized within the relationship that I believe my mother just acclimated to it.

After years of checking in on my mother's safety, attempting to convince her to leave, offering to have her move in with me, etc., etc....part of me is legitimately happy that she is freed of the burden of my father. I do believe that they still loved each other. But I also know that she was just exhausted from it all.

It's complicated, I suppose.

Her passing has left several major lingering questions about her life, and my life, almost completely unresolved as my father is a liar whom I've caught in multiple indiscretions--from infidelity to stealing money from my mother, to covering up his interactions with her which he knew would cause me to escalate my reactions to the authorities.

So while theoretically, an only child experiencing the death of one parent would be able to find some comfort in bonding with the remaining parent? Being anywhere near my father is an immense struggle for me. I call him on a daily basis to ensure he's well enough (as while I won't forget what he's done, I can somewhat see how he's at least convinced himself that he's sorry for his past), but limit my exposure to him. As we've had several horrible arguments already regarding his inability to communicate with me on a rational basis (he was more of a wallet to me as a child than a parent, was a workaholic and a womanizer who was rarely home...and he now has almost no idea of how or what to do with me), and how we don't have mom anymore to be an intermediary. And there's the whole "I saw you beating the crap out of the woman who stayed in the marriage largely because of my existence" thing. That's not exactly the perfect backdrop for having a cup of coffee and remembering the good times with mom.

Oh, and I got into a car crash three days after mom passed. No injuries, no tickets issued, my car repairs should be done in early October.

Basically I'm experiencing every possible emotion I could have imagined I never would have experienced. And I'm going through this largely by myself. I don't want to, and I don't think it's healthy or an efficient (as much as can be expected) healing process. But whenever I attempt to explain how my mom's passing goes so far beyond a "normal" passing of a parent...I just become either dejected or exasperated at the "...are you serious?" commentary. Yes, I'm sure Quentin Tarantino has enough fodder in my family's history to create a blockbuster film...but right now I'm just trying to not fall completely apart.

On a bright note, my usual insomnia has been replaced by fitful sleep combined with absolutely horrific lucid nightmares. The sort where I have a hard time speaking after I'm awake. Usually I attempt to awaken myself from them, but figured I may as well let them play out , as it may be a part of my healing process?

It's complicated, I suppose.

Thank you for reading.

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #62 on: September 28, 2015, 10:05:40 AM »

Basically I'm experiencing every possible emotion I could have imagined I never would have experienced. And I'm going through this largely by myself. I don't want to, and I don't think it's healthy or an efficient (as much as can be expected) healing process. But whenever I attempt to explain how my mom's passing goes so far beyond a "normal" passing of a parent...I just become either dejected or exasperated at the "...are you serious?" commentary. Yes, I'm sure Quentin Tarantino has enough fodder in my family's history to create a blockbuster film...but right now I'm just trying to not fall completely apart.

On a bright note, my usual insomnia has been replaced by fitful sleep combined with absolutely horrific lucid nightmares. The sort where I have a hard time speaking after I'm awake. Usually I attempt to awaken myself from them, but figured I may as well let them play out , as it may be a part of my healing process?


Hi Jennifer - Welcome to Webhealing. I'm glad you found us. Thank You for sharing your story with us. I'm very sorry to learn of the recent death of your precious mother.
It's so recent and your pain still so new, so raw and dealing with the many issues that you've shared of will take time and patience. It's a process. But you don't have to carry this alone. Feel free to post whenever you're having feelings...it helps, a lot. Someone is always reading and if someone has something to offer they will respond.

Regarding your sleep concerns and also, on waking - it wouldn't hurt to have a physical to rule out anything that could be serious. Much better to find it now and deal with it than wait and have it deal with you, on *it's* terms...which is never pleasant.

Your mother certainly had her struggles in life and due to the unhealthy relationship that she endured, your grief has become magnified, which is understandable.

We're here for you.

Love,
Terry

mandm

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #63 on: October 10, 2015, 05:46:28 PM »
Hello all. My name is Ruth, and I just signed up for this forum. My mom died on Thursday (Oct. 8), and the papers her hospice social worker sent me included the suggestion to try online support groups, so here I am - - -

My story is a bit different (though I know Everyone's tale here is unique, and difficult in its own way). My mother was 94, and in pretty good health, for her age. (She came from super-healthy stock: her dad died at 100, and her mother at 99).  When my dad died in 2012, she moved to a continuing care community near my younger sister; she had an independent apartment, and led an active life. However, she saw her friends there going "downhill" as she put it; others fell and were confined to bed, relying on others to have all their needs met. My mom wanted no part of that kind of life. She had a long and good life, and decided, after much deliberation and research, that she wanted to end her life while she still had the capacity to call the shots. So, toward the end of September she stopped eating and drinking. My sister was there to take care of her (I would have been too much of a wreck to be of any help, so I stayed home and talked with one or both of them several times a day instead). A nurse took care of Mom at night, and hospice was brought in to provide pain relief as needed. The process was not totally smooth, but it "worked" and she died peacefully.

So! I'm up and down with my emotions, crying at night, in the morning, and sporadically during the day. I don't get the support I'd like from my live-in partner (he was opposed to the whole idea, but now just says I should be grateful I had her in my life as long as I did - I am, but that's not helpful for where I am emotionally). I have friends for support, and will be seeing a grief counselor, and maybe trying a group situation as well. I'm curious - though I know everyone's grief is different - what strategies people here have found helpful for dealing with the emotional roller coaster, and for getting as much help as needed.

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #64 on: October 10, 2015, 07:48:38 PM »
Hi Ruth - I'm very sorry to read that your precious Momma has died. Welcome to Webhealing.

As you may have noticed below where others post their stories, there are many members who are recently coping with the death of one of their parents. Feel free to post to others when you feel up to it.

I'm also sorry to hear that you're not receiving support at home though a lot do not and the reason they seek a forum such as this one. There are no judgements here and you can vent your feelings any time....someone is always reading.

I understand all about the emotional roller coaster and for some time it seems to be like that. Not only our hearts but our bodies take a beating when someone we've loved a lifetime is no longer here. Try to take care of yourself the best you can by eating healthy snacks, drinking plenty of water, resting even if you can't sleep and getting exercise. These will all help while grieving.

We're here for you.

Love,
Terry

Jamie91

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #65 on: November 02, 2015, 07:50:08 PM »
Hi, my name is Jamie and my dad died October 20th.
My dad had me when he was in his late 40s so I always knew that my parents were going to pass away before my friends parents did, but I always thought I would have a chance to say goodbye. He died in a house fire caused by a space heater. Despite him being 72, he was more active than me and I'm 24. His funeral happened within 3 days of death because I am a graduate student who lives across the country. I keep telling myself that it's ok for me to be back at school so soon because that is what he would want me to do. He was so proud of me and always told me that education comes first.

I feel guilty for being back, my friends and professors were shocked when I was back at work and school last Wednesday. I feel like I should be crying all the time, but I can't.

I am sad, I'm angry, I'm depressed and lonely. I love my dad sooo much. I was truly daddy's little girl.

Doug1222

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #66 on: November 03, 2015, 03:03:15 PM »
Hi, Jamie. I'm sorry we have to meet this way, but I just wanted to let you know you're in the right place. It's safe here.

I also lost my dad suddenly in an auto accident. I went back to work two days after the funeral. Don't worry...you're not strange. 

I'm very sorry you're going through this.
 :love9:

Terry

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #67 on: November 05, 2015, 11:23:05 AM »
((((((Jamie))))))

I'm sorry for the recent loss of your precious Dad. We all grieve differently and however you are grieving is right for you. And I understand feeling sad and lonely; I was also Daddy's little girl. :love9:

Hugs,
Terry
« Last Edit: November 06, 2015, 11:58:03 AM by Terry »

Marivdb

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #68 on: December 20, 2015, 06:28:51 PM »
Hi.  I'm Marianne, and my Mom died Friday night after a 25 year battle with MS.

Jessica

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #69 on: January 20, 2016, 11:36:49 PM »
Hello everyone. My name is Jessica. I am 32 years old, and I have a sister who is 34 years old. 6 months ago my mother figure died unexpectedly. It was shocking for everyone. 3 weeks after my mother figure died, my father lost his battle against cancer and he passed away. Our family has fallen apart and now my sister and I are about to lose our home that we grew up in. There have been so many responsibilities and conflicts that have been put on us as we try to settle the legal aspects of the estate that I feel neither my sister nor I have even had an opportunity to begin to truly grieve. I feel very much alone in this world. I have fear and anxiety about nearly everything now. I feel like I'm just waiting for the next tragedy to strike. I don't know what my sister or I should do in order to get back on track and begin to live a normal type life.

dutchesJ77

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #70 on: January 26, 2016, 08:35:43 AM »
hello my name is Julie.  I lost my father 6/13/2015 very suddenly of an aneurysm.  As a family we were in the middle of a cross country move and my family was unable to attend his funeral with me.  My Dad was the main source of strength and support for me my entire life and I am missing him terribly.  I feel like this is getting worse instead of better.  Since he passed I have been having to travel to my childhood home (alone) quite a bit to help my mom with her next steps.  I am beginning to feel just overwhelmed.  I have two small children at home who need their mom and find my frustration, sadness and anger is being directed mainly at my husband.  Although I know it's not fair I feel like I can't help it.  It is truly becoming suffocating.  I don't have the support structures I did in our previous home and I am feeling very isolated in my grief.  My anger just seems to be getting worse and this really bothers me.  I am just so sad.

Daddysgirl16

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #71 on: February 03, 2016, 09:23:36 AM »
Hello, I just lost my sweet daddy two weeks ago yesterday and feel so lost and empty.

Daddysgirl16

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #72 on: February 03, 2016, 10:15:26 AM »
Hi Amy, I am new to this group as well.  I just lost my sweet daddy two weeks ago yesterday.  My mom passed away almost 10 years ago now.  I know how you feel about having days where you don't cry at all and other days where you just can't seem to stop the tears from falling.  I spent a lot of time with my dad the last few years, taking care of him.  I miss him dearly and feel lost and empty without him.  We were so close and he was home with me in hospice when he passed and it was hard, but he was tired of nursing homes and hospitals.  He was home for literally one week when he passed.  He went peacefully, surrounded by all his kids and grandkids.  Although he is no longer suffering, I miss him so much and would give anything to still have him here with me for me to take care of him.

sagione

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #73 on: August 16, 2016, 12:32:55 AM »

hi i am new to this, my mom passed 4 months ago today and i am still in total despair..i feel i will never be happy again..i,feel totally alone even though i have 2 sisters who have never even reached out to me even though i am the one who lived with and took,care of my mother...this is tihe worst thing i have ever been through, miss my mother so much and can't believe i will never see her again..i lost my father over 30 years ago it was a little easier cause i was married and younger..i am so sorry for all of you that have lost a parent and finding it hard to get through..people who have not lost a parent or have lost a parent that they were not very close to do not understand the way i am feeling..it seems no one wants to hear about it anymore or thinks i should be getting over it, and that really hurts..but i am sure that all of you understand..it feels so lonely..i am suppose to go to a support group for loss of a parent hopefully it will help in some way..i feel for u all..

rosee

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Re: Introductions
« Reply #74 on: October 24, 2016, 05:31:31 PM »
Hi, I am only 20. My mum passed away nearly 3 months ago. I don't even know what to do with myself. It still feels like  dream and she will be back. She was diagnosed with a rare cancer in April of this year, I think the doctors were very vague in saying that radiotherapy and surgery would help, I think they knew something that I didn't, or I just wasn't told by my family. Anyway, she received radiotherapy, and after a couple months she came back home and had to wait a while to surgery. The first few weeks she seemed fine and was moving around a lot, however after that she had more pain. I can't really talk about it too much it makes me too upset but after 4 weeks of her being at home she passed away, the cancer had spread. There's like this ache. constantly in my chest. I can't shift it. Everyday there is something that reminds me of her. I can cope mostly, it's just the odd times I can't and I can't stop crying. I've never felt that before, the pain of actually crying or being too tired to cry. I am a student and recently I have felt no motivation to study. Most of the time I just want to sleep. Some weeks are fine and I can just push those thoughts of my mum away or cover them up maybe, but other weeks I can't. To other people I feel  like I don't express anything. I don't want to. I feel uncomfortable. Its hard to explain. All I know is that I just want my mum. There's always a question that I want to ask her and when I realise I can't, it breaks my heart over and over again.
I'm sorry for rambling, I just want to type what I was feeling at this time. I don't know what I'm expecting. Just anything.