Hi, I am new to this site. I have called myself Allalone, because that's how I feel at this stage. I lost the love of my life to cancer exactly a month ago. He was fit when he went for a medical examination for a new job and was found to have a patch in his lung. This was subsequently diagnosed as lung cancer. He never gave up hope and fought and lived for 2 years. He was healthy most of the time, however just 2 months before his death, he started to feel unwell and 37 days before he died we were told his liver had multiple metastases and he had weeks to live. His decline was very fast and although he died of liver failure, he had not lost any weight and looked good till the very end. He was calm and serene and prepared for his funeral and did all the arrangements so that I would not have to do it alone. I looked after him at our home and he died in our bed. He waited for everyone to leave the room and died peacefully in my arms at 0115 in the morning. Although we had spoken of his dying and I had released him, I feel empty, lost and devastated as I held his lifeless body. I then went on auto pilot for a few weeks, while I did all I had to do re: the funeral etc. We have 2 small kids aged 11 and 9 and my only reason for living at the moment is because of them. I find the pain immense. Although I was expecting him to die, I did not expect to be so devastated and lost as I am a very independent professional, but at the moment I am confused and feel I am hopeless myself. I also lost my mother to leukemia exactly 6 months before my husband passed away and now I am grieving and missing her too. Both of us are Christians and my husband believed he was being healed and death could not destroy him. I too believe He is now totally free of the cancer and that he is healed. My faith is what comforts me but still I find the cross too heavy and the pain almost unbearable.
Reading some of the entries here have given me courage that I am not alone and I know I will overcome this stage and be able to move on.
I came to this forum to get support so that I do not feel allalone.
Thanks
Allalone
Your beloved sounds like a wonderful, strong, caring man - what a blessing he must have been in your life, but also, what a tragic loss for you and your children.
In some ways, you are "all alone" in this. I was widowed with a small child and though others loved my husband very, very much, and suffered his loss at least as much as I did, my position was unique. No one but me had been his partner, living with him every day, and counting on him to be a daily part of my life for years to come. No one but me had a chid with him, and no one but me now had a fatherless child, to raise alone.
So - in any tragedy, those of us who mourn, mourn alone to a certain extent. For each of us, there are unique circumstances that we have to deal with, and no one but us can know exactly how it all feels.
But, there is also a sense in which a grieving person is NOT alone, but is part of an infinitely large community that is doing the same. And that community can be a comfort. That community can let you know you're not crazy, when you feel as if you are losing your mind. That community can help you stay afloat and not give up. That community can let you know how time helps, and how it doesn't help - so you can look forward to some relief, and plan how to manage living with the scars and wounds that stay with you.
I know it can be hard to share your grief, so I just want to tell you that I appreciate you coming here and sharing. Not only does it make you feel less alone, it makes us all feel less alone.
All my best to you and your loved ones as you move forward from this terrible event. Come back any time to share more or to let us know how you are doing.
