Author Topic: What to say when...  (Read 5345 times)

Rebecca

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What to say when...
« on: October 04, 2010, 06:31:39 AM »
our daughter is having our first grandchild in Dec.  Friends of our asked if they could come to Thanks. as they are not moving until after Nov. 30. We might be at my house or my daughter's .  I was telling a friend about this (a male) and he said:  R it is time to move on.  a new baby, a new beginning.  Now this was done on the internet, not face to face or on the phone. I let it go but I know I am moving but not on... I am existing, I am laughing at things, I am so excited about the baby but what about Jason not being at Thanks. what about his not being their when the baby is born, what about his not having his own kids, and on and on and on.  What would u say.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

AC Mom

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #1 on: October 04, 2010, 07:57:23 AM »
In the 8 years I have been without AC, I can't count the number of times, people have asked me when I was going to get over it.  Losing a child, anyone, is something you don't get over.

There is nothing you could have said to make your friend understand that you have moved on.  You have learned to laugh and live again. 

I have told people, Until you lose a child, you have no idea what life is like after that.  But, most will never "get it".  They think we never move on.

Love and Hugs
Peggy

Donnys Dad

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #2 on: October 04, 2010, 09:59:45 AM »
Simply "God forbid if you should ever lose a child then tell me how long it takes to "Move on".

Been there Rebecca, actually my wife has.  If I was told that I am sure someone would have to hold me back.

Don
I Miss You So Much Buddy, My Best Friend, My Tiger

Don, Donny's Proud Dad


blindsided

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #3 on: October 05, 2010, 07:01:17 AM »
(((REBECCA)))

I know that I can take this sort of comment a little better now than I could at the beginning.  People are just ignorant and they don't "get it" and maybe for that we should be thankful... because they haven't been in our shoes.

Personally, I handle this sort of thing as it comes... lucky for them if it is a good day cause I usually just blow them off... unlucky if it is a bad day cause then I usually tell them until you have walked in my shoes I prefer you keep  your comments to yourself.

In this particular situation I hope this man was seeing the pain his dear friend is in and wanted her to focus on the blessings she has... nothing absolutely nothing will change what has happened... that is what we get to live with everyday, all day for the rest of our lives.  It is somewhat our choice on how me "move forward" from that and with that said for me it is still a daily struggle and where I am that day on how well I can deal.

You are moving as you stated and you are doing the best you can when you can and that is all anyone can ask of a person.  It gets old when it seems the responsibility of being understanding always seems to fall back on those who are grieving... we are suppose to be the ones who are tolerant of the ignorant and hurtful comments.  I say on the days you can be tolerant... then do so... and when you can't maybe telling people how we actually feel is a good thing... cause if we don't how will society ever learn how hurtful these cliche statements really are.

We have little energy as it is, so focus on the good and leave the rest at the curb for the garbage man where it belongs.

Hold on tight,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever

barb0617

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #4 on: October 05, 2010, 06:26:33 PM »
We who have lost a child do not move on - we move along.  We fight to recreate ourselves, to do more than just endure the day.  Slowly, over time, we find ourselves smiling, laughing, acting as if the horror had never happened.  But the many-times-a-day consciousness of the absence of our beloved child never truly departs.  That's what the others cannot understand.  They await the day when we will become who we used to be, but that person will never return.  However - like the doubled strength of a mended bone or the scar that covers the wound-place - our hearts become stronger.  Slowly.  We fight and we strive to be more present to our surviving children - if we've been so blessed - and/or to the other survivors whom we love and who love us and so desperately want us to be present to them.  It's a long and complex journey.
Barb, mom of Jim, car accident 1999; Tom, suicide, 2007, and two beautiful daughters, and now Nana to Dugan, 15 months

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #5 on: October 06, 2010, 10:15:57 AM »
We who have lost a child do not move on - we move along.  We fight to recreate ourselves,

Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #6 on: October 06, 2010, 10:17:00 AM »
Barb, that says it all right there in what you said.

barb0617

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #7 on: October 06, 2010, 02:33:05 PM »
Thanks, Brenda.  I've been working it for a long time.  I found this site approaching Jim's first anniversary, 2000.  That's how I survived.  I check in from time to time, sometimes to give back, sometimes to be around kindred spirits who understand how happy Halloween memories with my little boys can trigger sadness in October, no matter how long it''s been since I lost them, and no matter how long it's been since i was up til 3am sewing their costumes.  The difference now is that those memories can also bring a smile to my face. 
Barbara

LaVonne

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #8 on: October 06, 2010, 04:56:29 PM »
Rebecca: I am sorry for all that you are going thru. It is your first grandchild and I know you are happy but I also understand that if only Your Jason could be there and all the things he is missing. It isn't the same and It will never be the same. Your Jason is missing out on so much and all our children are. It is not fair for others to judge us and tell us we should be alright because that isn't going to happen. Our children will always be first and for most in our hearts and minds. We will never forget them. sending hugs  LaVonne

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #9 on: October 22, 2010, 05:50:38 AM »
Hi, All,

It has been awhile since I have been to the board.

I am sorry to see new parents joining this journey of grief.

As I was reading some of the post this one from Rebecca really hit a spot. Yesterday while I was at work a woman who has two teenage boys made the comment in conversation that I am over the loss of Tammie as it has been SO LONG.

My comment was simple you never GET OVER IT.

I walked away as I agree unless you actually walk this road of grief you can't even imagine it. The missing each day and wondering who your precious child would be today ??? It has been 5 years now since Tammie died. GET OVER "IT" NEVER it just doesn't happen .

Sending GIANT HUGS to all my old friends here and Hugs to the new parents trying to get through each difficult day.

LOVE TO ALL,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Debh

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #10 on: October 22, 2010, 01:17:27 PM »
Rebecca, congrats on the baby coming. I know it will bring you many smiles and loads of love.

We will always have these questions when it comes to our kids, how could we not when they are so much on our minds and missed. No one will understand that have not been through a loss of a child, happy I am that they don't know but that doesn't make it any easier.

Life moves on no matter what, we can only to continue to move forward as we have been, our kids will always be gone longer the more the days pass, that is what is hard for me, the length of time since I gave Chad a hug and kiss goodnight.

I am sorry Jason is missing out on seeing the baby and being apart of this wonderful happy time.

Love Deb

Terry

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #11 on: October 25, 2010, 02:04:43 PM »
Rebecca,

I know your new Grandbaby will bring so much joy into your life. Yes, it would be wonderful if Jason were here to share in this happiness. I'm sorry and I understand.

Regarding the comment; others who haven't lost a child are just clueless, though at times may mean well by offering well wishes but no one takes the place of or lessens the pain of our children being gone.

((((((((((((((((Rebecca))))))))))))))))

My love,
Terry

Barbara

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #12 on: November 28, 2010, 11:35:43 PM »
People who dont experience it just don't get it. And I personally have heard this too much. As Rebecca says, my reply depends on if it's a good day or bad day. Of course the holidays are upon us which is never easy, I just hope we don't have to hear this too much....thinking of you all. One day at a time, right?

Annette

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Re: What to say when...
« Reply #13 on: December 05, 2010, 08:43:44 PM »
Rebecca, everyone on here has been so eloquent and I agree with them all. I do not know what I would say. I have been "snappish" when some have suggested that I "get over it." I know I am changed forever, and feel like an odd duck, so to speak, but I don't care. I am not the same.

I agree that the baby's birth will bring you joy, tears, happiness, and sadness. You will love the baby, but grieve the babies that never were born because of Jason.

Please take care of yourself, and know that we love you here.

What I try to do:  put on my happy face and experience joy when I am with others, and grieve and feel pain when I am alone. It's not a perfect existence, but I don't want to hurt my surviving child.

Love,
Annette
Michael's Mom
12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3