Author Topic: grief, anxiety or what  (Read 3357 times)

damoorern41

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grief, anxiety or what
« on: February 12, 2011, 03:04:47 PM »
I am new to this and thought I would give it a shot, at this point in my emotions - it can't hurt. My 22 year old daughter recently TRIED to committ suicide. She is my only daughter and I live 700 miles from her. I went to her during this crisis and spent a week with her. She is suppose to be getting help. I say suppose because I had to return home and it was set up before I returned home for her to received help. My problem is this---I feel this fear in my gut and soul I can't stop. I shake, my stomach shakes, my mind constantly relives this nightmare. I realize very much I have no control over her, over life or anything. I cannot control the outcome. I don't know how to overcome my fear and shaking. My fear is she will be successful and  I am loosing my daughter. I do not have a relationship with my mother for totally different reasons. My mother was a biological mother never a real mother. When she had the opportunity to be there for me - she never was. This is not the case with myself and my daughter, I am and will always be there for her. I am afraid that she is pulling more away from me and I won't be able to reach her and I won't be her Mom anymore.  At least I think this is the root of my fears. It is hard to live with this gut wrenching feeling. Will time help with this? Is this a process I need to go through and find my own healing or is this something I will live with until I know she is better?  Any advice is welcome.  Thank you for allowing me to share my fears.

sevenofwands

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Re: grief, anxiety or what
« Reply #1 on: February 12, 2011, 05:56:45 PM »
Damoorern:

I am so sorry to hear you have had this frightening situation.  Of course you are worried and beside yourself with fright.  Any mother would be.  Your feelings and worries are totally normal.  Especially with your daughter living so very far away from you.  I hope you can find occasions to see her more often, and I also hope you can find supportive friends where you are.
Yes, it is important that she gets help for her problems, and I expect you will be able to check that this is the case.
Please do keep posting, as it always helps to express ones fears, even by writing them down.

Take care of yourself.
Best wishes
Seven

SarahW

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Re: grief, anxiety or what
« Reply #2 on: February 13, 2011, 09:29:30 AM »
I am new to this and thought I would give it a shot, at this point in my emotions - it can't hurt. My 22 year old daughter recently TRIED to committ suicide. She is my only daughter and I live 700 miles from her. I went to her during this crisis and spent a week with her. She is suppose to be getting help. I say suppose because I had to return home and it was set up before I returned home for her to received help. My problem is this---I feel this fear in my gut and soul I can't stop. I shake, my stomach shakes, my mind constantly relives this nightmare. I realize very much I have no control over her, over life or anything. I cannot control the outcome. I don't know how to overcome my fear and shaking. My fear is she will be successful and  I am loosing my daughter. I do not have a relationship with my mother for totally different reasons. My mother was a biological mother never a real mother. When she had the opportunity to be there for me - she never was. This is not the case with myself and my daughter, I am and will always be there for her. I am afraid that she is pulling more away from me and I won't be able to reach her and I won't be her Mom anymore.  At least I think this is the root of my fears. It is hard to live with this gut wrenching feeling. Will time help with this? Is this a process I need to go through and find my own healing or is this something I will live with until I know she is better?  Any advice is welcome.  Thank you for allowing me to share my fears.

I have not had the experience of worrying about suicide so much, but I have plenty of experience worrying about a vulnerable child.

My son (Vincent, who died in 2009, at the age of 29) had health issues most of his life.  And he didn't take proper care of himself - there were times he took physical risks (he was a very adventurous guy) and did not follow doctor's orders, or told himself that a symptom was not so bad, etc.

No amount of "preaching" changed this.  I tried everything.  I tried nagging (useless, of course), I tried "leaving him alone," I tried inbetween tactics.  Nothing worked.

But he was an adult, and - I tried to make sure he knew I loved him, and that I was always on his side, that I wanted what was best for him, that I was always here for him, and that I respected him.

I wasn't perfect at any of this.  Ultimately, I had to accept that he was an adult and I could not control him and I had to find a way to live with the anxiety of having such a vulnerable child.  I did this through getting a counselor for myself, and trying to be good to myself - taking care of my health, both physical and emotional - minimizing my exposure to unnecessarily stressful situations and people.

Wasn't perfect at that, either.  Anxiety for Vince was always there - I just worked at managing it.

He died of a sudden illness - though it wasn't so sudden, in the sense that it was a sudden, unpredictable, worsening of a condition he already had . . . and he did ignore symptoms, when speaking up early would have saved him.  

Vince was used to having this symptom or that, and he was used to successfully riding it out, too.  This time was different - and no one, including Vince or his doctor, could have predicted such a turn of events.

So my worst fears came true.   I was constantly worried about his attitude toward his health challenges, and his risk-taking.

But . . . I don't know what to say.  You have to live your life, and your daughter has to live hers.  You have to find a way to take care of yourself and manage your very understandable - and I think, unavoidable- anxiety.

It sounds like you've already done an excellent job in letting her know you love her and are there for her.

There is no control; there is only living day to day and doing your best to get through the day.

It helps me to have a counselor, and trusted friends and family, and this place, to come to and not feel so alone.

You have my sympathies for the very difficult and painful situation you are in.  I admire the depth of your concern and love for your daughter, and your courage in making this post.  I hope this place can be of some help.

« Last Edit: February 13, 2011, 07:50:43 PM by SarahW »
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damoorern41

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Re: grief, anxiety or what
« Reply #3 on: February 13, 2011, 08:00:43 PM »
Thank you for the replies I have received. I guess I was hoping for an instant cure for my fear. I know that is unrealistic, but this is very hard to live with. I wanted to be told it takes time. You were honest with me about learning to live with it. As far as friends go - I had an ephiany yesterday. I shared this with some friends but didn't seem to find any comfort in the sharing. I still need something I'm not getting from friends and certainly not family. I don't even really know what I am looking for to make me feel better. Does this make any sense to you???

I am so sorry about your son. What frustration you must have and perhaps still feel. So much useless waste. As Moms we know we can save them so much pain and struggles if only they were more receptive to what we have to say. Thank you for being open with me.

Terry

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Re: grief, anxiety or what
« Reply #4 on: February 13, 2011, 08:08:48 PM »
Hi Damoorern,

First, I'm sorry. Very sorry to hear this news and I'd like to welcome you to Webhealing and also thank you for sharing your story with us.

I can understand why you're feeling so anxious and fearful as this is something that won't 'go-away' and I do hope your daughter will be receiving help. I hope that she is 'already' receiving help. Is there any family close to her where she is living now? Married? Anyone who can be with her during this time to assist in her getting some help? Counseling or even emergency services?
I am afraid that she is pulling more away from me and I won't be able to reach her and I won't be her Mom anymore.  At least I think this is the root of my fears. It is hard to live with this gut wrenching feeling. Will time help with this? Is this a process I need to go through and find my own healing or is this something I will live with until I know she is better?  Any advice is welcome.  Thank you for allowing me to share my fears.

I'm a bit confused at this junction and maybe you can shed some light here; You shared that you are fearful and question if maybe time will help you to heal from this deep fear?

I can't imagine feeling many other feelings after learning my daughter tried to take her life. I wouldn't accept, in any form or look further to how to heal before doing everything I could first to see she is properly taken care of. And, what is the 'process' you speak of that you feel you may need to go through?

Forgive me, as I am not grasping (yet) this situation with your daughter. I hear you when you say you're frightened and all of the other feelings you've shared. It's understandable. And, as Sarah mentioned in her response to you that 'there is no control' and I agree with that. I have lost a relative and a best friend to suicide and no one knew anything was wrong. We never had a chance to 'help' in any way.

And, may I ask if this is your daughter's first attempt? Do you know 'why' she attempted it? Why she feels so hopeless?

If you feel comfortable sharing more, maybe you can elaborate as to how your daughter is doing and who is with her and what has been chosen as a treatment plan for her.

She is so young and, sadly the statistics point to her age group as this becoming a [growing] epidemic.

Please know we care here and will try to help any way that we can.

Terry


SarahW

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Re: grief, anxiety or what
« Reply #5 on: February 13, 2011, 08:57:31 PM »
Thank you for the replies I have received. I guess I was hoping for an instant cure for my fear. I know that is unrealistic, but this is very hard to live with. I wanted to be told it takes time. You were honest with me about learning to live with it.

You do have to learn to live with it, because you can't control it.  You have to figure out how to deal with the terrible anxiety because who knows how long you will have to deal with it.

But that doesn't mean there is no hope.  Time could definitely make it better. 

Hope for the future is a good thing to have; I always had hope for my son, and it helped me deal with my anxiety. 

My hopes were dashed, but I don't regret my hopefulness.

It is good to have hope, and it is realistic to have hope.  Lots of people who suffer from depression and other problems that lead to suicidal thoughts and actions get better with time.

Quote

As far as friends go - I had an ephiany yesterday. I shared this with some friends but didn't seem to find any comfort in the sharing. I still need something I'm not getting from friends and certainly not family. I don't even really know what I am looking for to make me feel better. Does this make any sense to you???

Yes, it makes sense. 

It's so hard to know where to turn, when no matter where you turn, you end up in the same place:  Worried and anxious and fearful and in a lot of pain over a terrible situation over which you have no control.

I had a professional counselor before I lost my son, mostly to try to help me deal with the anxiety caused by his vulnerability - I was constantly worried about him, for good reason, and that is really, really hard to live with.

There were no magic answers there at all.  But it was good to go somewhere to vent every two weeks (I go every week now, since my son's death).  And it was good to have a neutral party to validate my feelings and to encourage me have hope and to take care of myself without guilt.

It was hard.  Every day was hard.  I would sometimes be sick with worry.  I did things to keep myself busy and to try to enjoy my life and not worry about Vince every second of the day.

The situation didn't get better with time, but I got better at dealing with the situation.

Quote
I am so sorry about your son. What frustration you must have and perhaps still feel. So much useless waste. As Moms we know we can save them so much pain and struggles if only they were more receptive to what we have to say. Thank you for being open with me.

Thanks for the sympathy; I appreciate it.  It was devastating to lose him knowing that he could so easily have been saved. 

Moms everywhere know that feeling of "I could save you from so much trouble and pain if only you would listen."  In fact, I would say my Mom certainly knew it.  But I had to learn the hard way, and it seems most people do.

The fact that the consequences of "Vince living his own life" could be fatal didn't change the fact that I had no choice in the matter.  I could love Vince and give him the best advice I could and I could be there for him.  But then I had to step back, and let Vince live his life, much as I wanted to chain him to my hip so I could watch him every second.

I had to figure out how to live my life with the reality of having a child who lived so close to the edge.

It was hard.  Some days were better than others.  But I wish I was still doing it.

Don't give up on your daughter, and don't give up on yourself.  You feel so much anxiety and pain because you love her so much.  Love comes with a cost, but it is worth it. 

If I could go back, would I trade Vince for a healthier kid less inclined to be a risk-taker? No, no, no, no, no - having Vince as my son was worth every second of the worry, and worth even, having to deal with his loss.

I feel like I'm babbling a bit, and have lost track here . . . I hope some of the babble has been helpful.

All my best.
I love thee to the level of every day's Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light. -- Emily Dickinson

You were a gift