Jennifer,
It was 8yrs ago last month that I was writing these very same words. I was 35 when my mother died suddenly. My father died when I was 12 so mom and little sister and I were it. Then due to circumstances beyond my control ( due to a perverted family member) I was disowned from the entire family, including sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.
So when mom died, at age 59, I had no one to grieve with or ask childhood questions to, or laugh about mom's silly southern ways with. In fact I didnt have and still dont have anyone in my life who knew my mother. I remember feeling so alone in this world and remember the day I said "I belong to no one", meaning I had no parents and no one in my biological family to call my own. The holidays were horribly painful as my heart and mind went back to childhood memories, and I had no one to remember them with. My husband is a wonderful man, but I just wanted and needed my biological family who was a part of my mom.
It is 8 yrs later and I can honestly say that I have healed from my grief and loss. I think it took me longer due to the fact that I had no family to grieve with. I remember finally getting over the major hurdle of grief after I passed the 2yr anniversary of her death but that certainly was not the stopping point of my grief and healing.
My faith helped me survive and move forward in my healing. My husband was supportive and kept life going even when all I could do is come home from work and crash. And this place. This place gave me the freedom to write out my feelings, sobbing out my pain as I typed those painful words. No one judged me and No one told me to get over it, like so many tend to do in our real life. I could come here and pour out my heart, day and night... when I couldnt sleep. or when I was at work and couldnt concentrate. This place and the people that were here for me at the time, were God sends (thank you ceegee and Irene!). Grief counseling also helped give me a safe place to pour out my hurts, questions, anger, and confusion.
I also found comfort in the books "Motherless Daughters" and "Remembering Mother, finding myself". And in music. The song by Mercy Me brought tremendous comfort to me at the time . It is called "Homesick" and I will include the lyrics at the end of this post.
You are not alone in this journey. I am so sorry you lost your momma. I always said losing mom made me feel like such a child. I used to sob "I want my momma" like a 2yr old cries for his/her mom. And here I was 35! I hated that feeling of feeling so childish, but there is a tremendous connection that is severed when a daughter looses her mom. I never thought it would be true for me, but it sure fooled me and kicked my butt!
Keep coming here and writing out your feelings. You too will get through this...day by day... sometimes hour by hour.... and then holiday by holiday.
Sisterly hug,
lauren
Homesick
by MercyMe
You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now