Author Topic: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...  (Read 24320 times)

mnjenzim

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I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« on: September 07, 2010, 10:43:45 AM »
My post may be a little different than a lot on here. I don't have a really recent loss to speak of. It's been over 2 years since my Mom past away. I am 38 years old with no brothers or sisters. I never knew my dad. It was always my Mom and I. I was also close to my Grandma, who passed away in 2004. Recently I discovered that, contrary to what I thought, I was still very much in the grieving process. I think as adults, we get busy in daily life and sometimes in order to function, we force our grieving or pretend it isn't there. Sometimes it just feels easier. Dealing with the emotions of grief can feel downright crippling or suffocating! Sometimes we just need a break from it!

My Mom passed away unexpectedly on February 11, 2008. She was 59. I would say I went through the normal stages of grief through 2008, but recently some things have surfaced. I have been terribly emotional, insecure and just all over the board. I thought it was work stress, anxiety, hormones. At times I worried I was literally losing my mind!

The other day I came to realize that what had been causing all this was actually grief. I had unresolved issues from missing my Mom and from being left behind as the only child. Even at 38, I feel like a child...an orphaned child. I feel like I'm on a family tree, with on one above me and no one around me. I have a wonderful husband of 15 years and a beautiful 6 yr. old son. I don't at all discount their value and presence in my life. But no longer does my life have a source here on earth. I don't have anyone to share memories with, no one to tell me about the day I was born or when I lost my first tooth. I feel like I'm floating in space somewhere. I know I'm not alone in my life, but I feel alone...partly because I'm it. I don't have any immediate family that's been there since the beginning or even close to it. I also feel alone because I don't know anyone who is an only child. I can't relate to anyone. It's terribly difficult. And it doesn't help that I live 1000 miles away from what family I do have (aunts, uncles, cousins, in-laws,  etc.). We moved away after my son was born. My Mom moved with us. She gave us so much and was my son's first best friend! I think to make it easier on myself I stopped talking to her without realizing. That just made me miss her more. Who will I watch old movies with and make Thanksgiving dinner with? Who will I even reminisce with about the times when we did those things? I hate the idea of having to deal with this pain. But I guess I have no choice. How do we get to a point when we can freely keep our loved ones' memories alive without pain, without doubt or question of their continued presence in our lives? Is there such a thing? How does an only child do this?

I would love to hear from anyone out there...only child or not.
Thank you for "listening."
Jennifer
« Last Edit: September 07, 2010, 12:07:09 PM by mnjenzim »

browneyedgirl

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Re: Only child, lost mom & still grieving
« Reply #1 on: September 07, 2010, 12:03:30 PM »
Hi Jennifer ~

I am so very sorry for the loss of your mother.

Welcome to webhealing, you will find a comforting, supportive word here when you need it.  I am sorry that you have to walk this journey with us.

Grief is unique to everyone, and I am sorry you feel so alone.......I hoep that you can find some relief here on webhealing. 

Take care of yourself.
Tony Repola 07/20/66 – 03/29/09
I know you are fishing in the oceans and streams of heaven

ScottW

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #2 on: September 08, 2010, 11:09:35 AM »
Hello Jennifer, welcome to 'the Board'.  I lost my sister in November, 2008.  Sometimes (most of the time) it feels like yesterday.  While I (thankfully) still have my parents, I can relate to your feelings of being alone.  I miss my sister horribly and . . . I have nobody with whom I can talk about my parents!  (Semi-smile).

I have found great support and solace on this website.  While friends and family do the best that they can, it is here that you will find people who can really 'relate'.

I think that the fact that you have had this 'revelation' that you are, actually, still grieving is your first step toward beginning to (truly) heal.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not there yet, but the people, thoughts and support here all help a lot.

I hope you have a similar experience.

Scott

Terry

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #3 on: September 08, 2010, 03:34:37 PM »
Hi Jennifer,

I'm sorry to hear you're struggling so but can certainly understand it. I don't believe in the "stages" of grief because we bounce around so much, according to our other life stressors at any given time and also the reason for the very painful, delayed grief. As Pam shared and I agree, we are all unique in how we grieve. Our stories may be similar but our journey while grieving, never is. Denial can push through at any time..."Did this really happen?" Suppressing these emotions can cause unimaginable pain. We all have our own way of coping with a painful loss. You are doing what 'you' need to do for you and that's why it is 'right.' It takes a lot of courage dealing with any unresolved issue and this is a good thing!

There are times when we can feel as if we are right back at the beginning and this is usually around any date marking their memory.

As Scott shared, "While friends and family do the best that they can, it is here that you will find people who can really 'relate'."

And, this is so important as we can feel alone in our grief because our world comes to an abrupt halt while others continue as usual. I found this board, coming here talking about all of my feelings to be life saving.

Dealing with the unresolved issues with your Mom is also very difficult but important if we're ever going to continue to move forward.

Feeling the loneliness that you do at this time due to remaining family being so distant and feeling alone, simply and as you shared because you are devoid of having someone relate to your feelings, is another form of grief. Adding a heavier burden than you were already carrying around.

Please know you are not alone. We are here for you whenever you feel the need to share about anything. And, the reason we also find other resources to fill the time that was occupied by those who are no longer here with us. The routine we have with anyone while alive can cause us to feel alienated and unsure of ourselves when losing it. Any routine you can begin, at this point would be very healthy/grounding. Small steps. Just a little change once a week to alter your schedule may be very helpful for you and give you something to look forward to, also.

Take good care of 'you', Jennifer and know we are here whenever you need to share. Tell us more about your Mom as you are able to.

((((((((((((((Jennifer)))))))))))))

You have my love and understanding,
Terry

laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #4 on: September 08, 2010, 06:42:49 PM »
Jennifer,

It was 8yrs ago last month that I was writing these very same words.   I was 35 when my mother died suddenly.   My father died when I was 12 so mom and little sister and I were it.  Then due to circumstances beyond my control ( due to a perverted family member) I was disowned from the entire family, including sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc.

 So when mom died,   at age 59,  I had no one to grieve with or  ask childhood questions to,  or laugh about mom's silly southern ways with.   In fact I didnt have and still dont have anyone in my life who knew my mother.    I remember feeling so alone in this world and remember the day I said "I belong to no one",  meaning I had no parents and no one in my biological family to call my own.    The holidays were horribly painful as my heart and mind went back to childhood memories,  and I had no one to remember them with.  My husband is a wonderful man,  but I just wanted  and needed  my biological family who was a part of my mom.  

It is 8 yrs later and I can honestly say that I have healed from my grief and loss.  I think it took me longer due to the fact that I had no family to grieve with.   I remember finally getting over the major hurdle of grief after I passed the 2yr anniversary of her death but that certainly was not the stopping point of my grief and healing.

My faith helped me survive and move forward in my healing.  My husband was supportive and kept life going even when all I could do is come home from work and crash.    And this place.  This place gave me the freedom to write out my feelings,  sobbing out my pain as I typed those painful words.  No one judged me and No one told me to get over it,  like so many tend to do in our real life.   I could come here and pour out my heart, day and night... when I couldnt sleep.  or when I was at work and couldnt concentrate.  This place and the people that were here for me at the time,  were God sends (thank you ceegee and Irene!).   Grief counseling also helped give me a safe place to pour out my hurts,  questions, anger,  and confusion.

I also found comfort in the books  "Motherless Daughters"  and "Remembering Mother, finding myself".     And in music.   The song  by Mercy Me brought tremendous comfort to me at the time .  It is called  "Homesick"  and I will include the lyrics at the end of this post.

You are not alone in this journey.  I am so sorry you lost your momma.  I always said losing mom made me feel like such a child.  I used to sob "I want my momma" like a 2yr old cries for his/her mom.  And here I was 35!  I hated that feeling of feeling so childish,  but there is a tremendous connection that is severed when a daughter looses her mom.  I never thought it would be true for me,  but it sure fooled me and kicked my butt!

Keep coming here and writing out your feelings.  You too will get through this...day by day... sometimes hour by hour.... and then holiday by holiday.  

Sisterly hug,
lauren

Homesick
by MercyMe

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now


« Last Edit: September 08, 2010, 06:45:53 PM by laurenE »

mnjenzim

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #5 on: September 09, 2010, 01:39:51 PM »
First, I want to send out a heartfelt thank you to those who have posted. It truly offers comfort to have support and understanding out there!

Lauren, I will come back to post the significance of your post as it relates to some amazing things that I've experienced over the past week! Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!

Right now, however, I feel like I'm in a bit of a crisis!!! Before I realized I was still grieving and didn't realize it, I was very emotional. A lot seemed to leak out here and there before the flood gates opened last Friday and I finally figured out what I was going through. The problem I'm having now is sorting through all of these emotions!! I don't know how to deal with the loneliness I've been feeling. Everything I do seems to be dictated by emotions. I end up doubting most things I do or say and my confidence is completely shot!!! I have found myself trying to immerse myself in my husband's life...every aspect of it!! He's a wonderful, loving and supportive husband and is really trying to just be there for me as I try to figure this out, but at the same time, this is causing problems between us! If we're home in the evenings and he's doing something that doesn't involve me (unless it's with our son), I feel...I don't even know!!! I want his attention, his focus, everything!! I feel like my needs that can no longer be filled by my Mom are now his to meet. That shouldn't be! As an only child, I've always been used to a lot of attention, even as an adult, until my Mom passed away. It's definitely a part of being an only child that I hate!! I feel such a void from no longer having this attention from my Mom...it's like no other you can get. A Mom is interested in your day in a way no one else is. And a Mom is proud of everything you do like no one else is! I feel like I'm trying to fill that void or replace it with my husband. That's not fair or right! And then there's communication. I'm so lost and confused I have no idea how to communicate!! Everything is so dictated by so many emotions I can't even identify, that we end up fighting. He's confused and frustrated and so am I!! We didn't sleep in the same room last night. :( We plan to have a big talk tonight. I've written a lot of things down to prepare so I'm not a big mangled mess.

Is this common? For all these emotions associated with grieving to impact relationships...the way you communicate, your perception of things around you? I feel desperate...desperate to fix me, to fix us, to not feel lost, alone and confused with so much fear of my own emotions and what I'll do with them.

I could probably go on a lot longer. Please share your thoughts with me. I could so use it right now!

Thank you,
Jennifer

laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #6 on: September 09, 2010, 04:40:07 PM »
Jen,

ugh!  I'm sorry you and your husband are struggling right now.  We did too now and then.   I see you have alot of good insight into why you feel what you feel and how that is all tied into the emotions from your mothers death.  You recognize that your expectations of him are unrealistic and unfair.  You are really emotionally mature to be able to recognize all of that.   

I found that when my husband and I would get into it (ie ...when I would totally over react with my emotional self )  after calming down I could analyze myself enough to realize that my emotions were a reaction to my fear....  my fear of him leaving me/rejection me, etc.    My frustration would begin with something little,  then he would say something like "honey, why are you getting so worked up over this?"  and then my frustration would grow into  full blown fears which would come out in my anger.  My thoughts were  "OMG! He's angry at me and he's going to leave me!"   This all stemmed from my feeling  of total loneliness ,  that he is all that I've got and if he leaves me then I am totally alone in this big bad world.

So ask yourself "what am I afraid of?"  Is it that he will leave you? That he will die or walk out on you?   Address your fears, whatever they may be,  and that will give you insight into what the emotions and anger really are about.

There is so much change that goes on in grief.  I felt losing my mother changed me tremendously.  I felt like I was being pulled,  tugged,  ripped,  stomped, and beaten into emotional change,  just from the pain of losing her .  There  was something about that mother loss for me.

Your  feelings of "desperation is probably making your anxiety worse, which then makes you cling more to him, which then makes him more frustrated, which then makes the arguments go round and round.     Take deep breaths.  and relaxing bubble baths.  and  quiet walks. and meditations,  and just BE.    .....  Be comfortable with yourself and quiet times alone.   And reach out to others to fill those times of loneliness. 

 Join a class, invite a neighbor for a walk.  Surprise an elderly neighbor with some home made cookies .. take a craft class,  a cooking class, or reaquaint yourself with that good friend from high school or college that you have lost contact with. Perhaps it could be someone who knew your mother so that they can "know" what a loss this is for you.      But add more relationships to your life so that you dont feel so desperate to let your hubby  and son out of your sight.   He cant be "everything" to you  or "your entire world".   That is impossible and would be setting him up for failure and you up for major disappointment.  You dont need that, especially now.

Try this...

Draw a circle and divide it into 4-6 slices of "pie" .  In each slice,  write the name of a person that you have a good supportive  healthy relationship with.   Does your pie only have your husbands name in it?  Does it only have 2 "slices"?... 3?  6??

The more slices of pie you have,  the healthier you will be when facing crisis.     
Make it a point this week to contact the people in your "pie of life",  to take a walk with,  or to have lunch with , or to go to a movie with.    I will be looking forward to hearing how this exercise works out for you.

Good luck with your discussion tonight with hubby.  I will send you good wishes and thoughts.

Your friend,
lauren

ps.  Maybe you could ask him to read "Motherless daughters"  to help him understand what you are going through?  or  "Loosing mother, finding myself"?   Guys dont often read much -- ok,  some dont,  but maybe you could skim parts of the book and read it aloud to him the part that fits you.   A book may generate good  deep conversation, and put your thoughts into words for you.


mnjenzim

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #7 on: September 10, 2010, 10:20:08 AM »
Today is a very grim day. While a lot of things came out last night, my husband is trying to find other reasons for what I'm going through instead of just letting this grief be what it is. I found some resources for him to read so he could get some insight into what someone grieving goes through. I was particularly hoping he would hone in on how those of us grieving may lash out at those we love the most. I'm not looking for excuses or justification for my actions, but I want him to understand where it's coming from. He said he feels like our recent conflicts have driven a wedge between us and I'm antagonizing him. I tried to do a lot of explaining last night and he did a lot of listening. He said he appreciated our conversation, and that all he asks is that I see things from where he is. To be honest, that hurt. I broke down last night and probably expressed anger for the very first time (2 1/2 years later!). I just kept saying (yelling) that I wanted my family back!!!! I didn't even get a hug. If I didn't initiate a hug later on in the evening, I'm not sure I ever would have gotten one. I'm not trying to turn this into a marriage issue and he really is a wonderful husband. I know this has to be difficult and confusing for him, too, but I just feel like he's being selfish right now. I need him so much! I know he's going through a lot of stress at work (he just loathes his job!), so I know this is bad timing for us both to be going through so much. I'm at a point where I just feel like completely withdrawing and being by myself. He said he just thinks I miss people (as I mentioned in an earlier post, we don't live anywhere near family or our closest friends). I told him the only people I miss aren't here anymore!!!!!!!!! My Mom and my Grandma were it!!!!

Lauren, I did the exercise that you recommended last night. I only needed one line. God was on one side and my husband was on the other. It's not that I don't have friends that I can talk to. They just have their own things going on (i.e. everyone I know is pregnant!!!). It's hard not to feel like a burden, especially to those who have never experienced loss. I talk to one of my aunts. She lost my mom and her husband in the same year. But even our time is cut short from being able to talk for various reasons.

I'm going to be starting teaching religious education to 1st graders next week. My son will be in my class. My Mom's two biggest passions in life were God and children. I'm hoping this will help me feel connected to her.

I'm sorry for all the rambling. I helps to get it out. But I just don't know where to go from here. I don't know how to be around my husband right now. I feel like he's just observing, waiting for me to blow and is prepared to take it personally when I do!!

It's interesting how I'm sitting here at my desk and I literally feel like I should be putting my seat belt on!!!!!!

Thank you once more for listening.
Jennifer

laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #8 on: September 10, 2010, 11:09:44 AM »
Jen,

I was hoping last night would go better for ya.  I remember getting so angry at mine b/c he didnt understand me.  He has never lost anyone close to him so the pain, anger, confusion etc etc of grief is foreign to him.   I remember wishing that he had lost someone so he could at least have a clue (not that I want him to hurt or lose his family, I just wanted him to understand me).  Before the the 1st anniversary of her death he had already told me I needed to get over it.  ugh! How those words cut.  But I had to chalk it up as his ignorance. 

To an outsider (one who has never experienced the loss of someone close),  grieving 2 yrs later would sound like a petty excuse.  Little do they know!

  My saving grace was a christian lady, a counselor,  in her late 60's,  who had lost both of her parents, (her father died in Germany in the Hollocost when she was 5).   Some sessions I would just sit and cry. But I knew she understood my loss, sometimes without saying a word.   I will pray for an "Anna" in your life, as she was literally heaven sent I am sure. 

  I found  for me,  that a grief counselor needed to have experienced their own loss  in order for me to truly let go and trust.   I also knew myself enough to know that I needed that  an older female counselor,  a Motherly nurturing type that Anna so easily provided for me.

Men tend to want to fix things.  And when they cant fix the emotional things in our life they tend to feel helpless, which frustrates them.    Perhaps all he wants is direction/ instructions from you.  When you need him to help you come up with a solution, then preface it with those very words.  And when you just need him to listen tell him "I just need you to listen,  and bythe way, I sure could use a hug too!".

I hope the days and weeks get easier for you.  Sounds like the two of you are out of balance..all work and no play.  Go experience some fun times together (movie, church picnic,  concert etc).  The fun feelings from those times can sometime ease the tension when things are tough in your marriage.

No need to aplogize for writing /venting, etc .  Thats what we're all here for :)

Your friend,
Lauren

laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #9 on: September 15, 2010, 05:53:48 PM »
thinking of you Jen. 
How are things going?

mnjenzim

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #10 on: September 17, 2010, 10:00:24 AM »
Hi Lauren, thank you so much for thinking of me and for your posts. The days since my last post have been very up and down (very down!). Thankfully, they're more up now than down. I realized that I just had a lot of things surfacing that I had to face. So combined with missing and grieving for the absence of my family was anger towards my dad for never having been there. Lots of stuff!! My husband and I really had a lot to come to terms with. I had to try to rise above what I was going through to accept and understand that he was going through his own version of all this, simply because I'm his wife and he's going to go through things right along with me, but in a different way and for different reasons. He had to come to terms with the fact that this was a part of our life that we couldn't do anything about. I think at first he felt overwhelmed by emotions and innocently wished it would all go away. I can't blame him, I wanted everything to go away, too. But the grief I have for my Mom/family and feelings of abandonment from my dad are real. It's sad to me how many of these things we go through really deplete our self-esteem, confidence, self-worth...it certainly doesn't help the process, that's for sure! My husband and I had a long talk the other night and he said a lot of things that really helped me see the good in myself. He also helped me see the value in who I am without my dad vs. if he were a part of my life. I wrote some things down to my Mom and to my dad. It helped "telling" both my Mom and my dad how I felt about them. The messages were VERY different! Writing has helped a lot along with this site. So I have been feeling good for the past couple of days and am looking forward to the weekend with my boys (husband and son). We're going to take a day trip tomorrow into the mountains. :)  My hope is that I was in much need of a release of a lot of emotions that had been building towards this point. I by no means think I'm out of the woods, but am just feeling good right now.

Lauren, I really feel your words and just the time you have taken to post responses have really spoken to me. I really appreciate your words, thoughts and time. I have read your posts over and will continue to do so. I'm so grateful to have found this site!

How are you doing, Lauren?

laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #11 on: September 17, 2010, 06:42:38 PM »
You and your hubby sound so insightful and mature.  Good for you!  I am glad you are having these good discussions.

Enjoy your trip to the mountains. What mountains/ state do you live in? Do you mind that I ask?

Keep in touch,
lauren

mnjenzim

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #12 on: September 20, 2010, 01:17:01 PM »
Thanks Lauren! I really appreciate your insight!

The weekend was REALLY good! We took a day trip on Saturday over a pass that was not fit for much more than ATV's, but if the Winnebago we saw could get up there, then we could too, in our little jeep! We had a lot of laughter, which felt so good! We couldn't help but laugh after being tossed around so much on this rugged road! Our son was with us and didn't find it quite as amusing, but that's ok!

I don't mind at all that you ask where I live! :) We live in Colorado. How about you (if you don't mind me asking).

I'm still feeling good, but being cautiously optimistic. I'm trying to enjoy the peace I have right now, but I never know what's around the corner! I guess that's life in a nutshell, huh?!

Take care!
Jen


laurenE

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Re: I'm an only child. Lost my mom & still grieving...
« Reply #13 on: September 20, 2010, 03:26:07 PM »
Hi Jen.,

Check your private message on here..  Click on the top right where it says  "you have 1 message" 

:)

Lauren