Paula,
I wish you could feel my arms around you because I'm holding you real tight!
(((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))))
You are in my heart as you're dealing with all of the memories that surface days and even weeks before any date marking our precious children.
Remembering and feeling their love is the only way to survive this pain. As difficult as it is to do, try and push those 'bad' memories and any memories that cause you to feel guilty away from your badly bruised heart and mind. You've shared in the past that you still have so many unresolved issues regarding the guilt you carry around. We all feel guilt to a certain degree and we all have regrets, also and until we can forgive ourselves for whatever we feel we've done, it will continue to complicate our grief. So much so that we feel we have not moved and this stagnate feeling when grieving causes so much more pain than we're willing or even able to handle.
I think you deserve to feel free of some of this guilt. I wish that for you, more than anything, Paula.
Honor Adam for the love he brought into your life and you, his. Honor him by remembering his beautiful smile, his warm hugs.
Choose the most wonderful memory of Adam, even if it was when he was a child and focus on just that memory. Easier said than done, I am aware of this. But, this is what Adam deserves. And mostly...it is what YOU deserve!
When the time draws near and the memories come flooding in too fast for us to seek shelter, I believe this is due to our heart being in a suspended and injured state which continues to beat but to no earthly drum. Badly bruised, it exists to gently hold and softly speak tender words of love and it's the love that allows us to exist in this surreal world we find ourselves in since losing our precious children.
Losing a child and the date reminding us; is truly a violation of the human spirit.
I'm so sorry for your pain.
We understand and are here for you.
((((( Paula & Adam )))))
My love,
Terry