Difficulty coping with my emotions as Adam's anniversary date approaches

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Each year I experience the same increased grief emotions as Adam's last day alive approaches. I guess the way that I cope is not to dwell on the fact that he is not here, alive, with us. It's perhaps a make-believe game-like he's at work, out, etc.?
As the anniversary looms near I remember that last day and many of the things that I had done while being unawares that he was dying and then dead. It makes me so sad that as a Momma to be there when your child leaves your body and enters the world that I could be so disconnected as not to sense he was leaving. I still don't know the events of the day and of course it wouldn't make the outcome any different, just all these loose ends conflict me. My husband & I have different ways of coping with grief & I find that a stressor. I am overeating, using my prescription Xanax as prescribed yet more than I usually need it. More than not I wish I was successful in my suicide attempt-having survived and seeing the additional pain I caused my family I have more feelings of conflict and guilt of wanting not to be here and yet not wanting to emotionally injure my loved ones even more than they are. I am just so overwhelmed with nothing that I can do to change the fact that my boy is dead and I don't want him to be.

[browneyedgirl]

Dear Paula ~

(((Paula))))  I am so sorry you have this awful pain in your heart. 

I am just so sorry.....

[Terry]

Paula,

I wish you could feel my arms around you because I'm holding you real tight!

(((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))))

You are in my heart as you're dealing with all of the memories that surface days and even weeks before any date marking our precious children.

Remembering and feeling their love is the only way to survive this pain. As difficult as it is to do, try and push those 'bad' memories and any memories that cause you to feel guilty away from your badly bruised heart and mind.  You've shared in the past that you still have so many unresolved issues regarding the guilt you carry around. We all feel guilt to a certain degree and we all have regrets, also and until we can forgive ourselves for whatever we feel we've done, it will continue to complicate our grief. So much so that we feel we have not moved and this stagnate feeling when grieving causes so much more pain than we're willing or even able to handle.

I think you deserve to feel free of some of this guilt. I wish that for you, more than anything, Paula.

Honor Adam for the love he brought into your life and you, his. Honor him by remembering his beautiful smile, his warm hugs.

Choose the most wonderful memory of Adam, even if it was when he was a child and focus on just that memory. Easier said than done, I am aware of this. But, this is what Adam deserves. And mostly...it is what YOU deserve!

When the time draws near and the memories come flooding in too fast for us to seek shelter, I believe this is due to our heart being in a suspended and injured state which continues to beat but to no earthly drum. Badly bruised, it exists to gently hold and softly speak tender words of love and it's the love that allows us to exist in this surreal world we find ourselves in since losing our precious children.

Losing a child and the date reminding us; is truly a violation of the human spirit.

I'm so sorry for your pain.

We understand and are here for you.

((((( Paula & Adam )))))

My love,
Terry

[LaVonne]

Paula:  So sorry that you have to endure this pain. I am sending cyber hugs and hope You feel them. It is always difficult when these days approach us. It is hard to let go of the past and our lives the way they were. Our memories will always be there and we will never forget them.  I hope you can find the strength to get thru and hold on tight. I pray for you and think of you often. My life is stressed right now but nothing compared to yours.  I agree with Terry that you need to let some of the guilt go and I believe that you did nothing wrong. You have nothing to feel guilty about. There was nothing you could do. We cannot change the past but hopefully we can control what we do in the future.  You have a great deal on your shoulders and a lot to carry. I Respect you and how you deal with everyday life. You are a strong person.  I have problems putting words together but I try. Thinking of you and Adam . Holding you close to my heart.  hugs LaVonne

[WendyRN]

Paula,

(Composed a long letter in response but for some reason wouldn't post.  Don't have the energy to re-do.)  But please know, I understand.  Take care of yourself.

Thinking of both you and Adam.

Wendy, Keith's mom

[MelissaCharliesMom]

Please know I think of you often. I dont write much anymore, but do read. I have no words to make it easier. Just know I care.
Sending strength and peace.

[Terry]

((((((((((((((((Paula))))))))))))))

[Adams Brokenhearted Mama]

Thanks to all who read my post and to browneyedgirl, Terry, LaVonne, WendyRN, and MelissaCharliesMom for writing back to me. I appreciate your kind words, hugs and suggestions. We share a common journey and yet it is such an achingly singular one. It's an odd feeling to be almost 56 years of age and to feel like you know less than you ever thought you did, not to feel comfortable after all these years. Some people become stronger and courageous while doing battle with tragedy and then some like me (?) feeling broken into a ground dust of shattered pieces that is too broken to be made whole again. I hope that somewhere in time I will be able to feel the love and joy of my time with Adam without the rest of the baggage.
Thank you all again for taking the time out to lend support.

[browneyedgirl]

((((Paula)))))

Thinking of you and holding you close to my heart.