Author Topic: Leaving the Board  (Read 5319 times)

Tom

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Leaving the Board
« on: August 09, 2010, 06:17:53 AM »

Judy has been allowed to delete her account and related posts.  I am sorry to see her go and sorry too to see the posts leave the board but in this case I think it is best.  I am hoping that this will give us a renewed focus on helping each other with the tough task of healing from loss.  Thank you all for your part in making that happen.

Tom

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SARAH()

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #1 on: August 09, 2010, 09:04:08 AM »
If I am going to spend so much effort writing posts, only to have a beloved long time member accuse me, however indirectly, of not being supportive, and than to have you, Tom pretty much immediately delete a post that I worked on for two days to call her on it, than I, after all these years leave, too.  "helping each other with the tough task of healing from loss" is what I have been trying to do.  I feel like it has been thrown back in my face.

In all the years, I have never seen a heartfelt post deleted without the authors permission.  No matter how controversial, we weathered through it, you have never played "big brother" and deleted someone's post because you felt it was best for the board, and that is why I have stayed through the storms.  Judy certainly has the right to have her post gone, if that is what she wants, but I am dismayed to see my post sticking up for myself and of the people posting and trying to help each other deleted.

To say I should return to helping other heal from loss, when I was responded to an accusation that I have not been trying to do exactly that feels like meddling, which is something I have never seen you do before.  I will not even look at this board again, for fear you will delete this post "for everyone else's good", and I will be pissed.  You have given all of us a lot over the years.  All I ever tried to do was give back.

Goodbye

Terry

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #2 on: August 09, 2010, 09:10:23 AM »
Thanks Tom!

It's a more relaxing atmosphere this morning and I'm grateful for that. The peace I find here along with the care and love we all share is the reason I have been here for so long.

I liked the way you explained the cycles of the board and also, of our grief. My grief has changed and I am able, with a glad heart to "give back" but if someone would have told me this in the beginning of my journey, I would have had no idea what they were talking about. Growth is inevitable and it's wonderful!

For all who are new and reading, there is hope and there is life again. Never the same but it is worth living because 'you' are worthy of the love that will continue to pour into your lives. We are all here for you!

Thank you again, Tom for all you do and for so many!

Much love,
Terry

Tom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #3 on: August 09, 2010, 10:22:17 AM »
Sarah -  I deleted no posts and frankly was not aware that posts other than Judy's were being deleted.  My policy has always been to not delete posts unless it is absolutely necessary.  When I saw this morning that Judy had deleted her posts I thought that it was better to have her leave and move on.  The posts of others complicates things dramatically.  We do have backups for the board for both saturday and sunday and could put it all back if that is what the posters here would like to do.  I will wait to hear what people would like.

Tom

If I am going to spend so much effort writing posts, only to have a beloved long time member accuse me, however indirectly, of not being supportive, and than to have you, Tom pretty much immediately delete a post that I worked on for two days to call her on it, than I, after all these years leave, too.  "helping each other with the tough task of healing from loss" is what I have been trying to do.  I feel like it has been thrown back in my face.

In all the years, I have never seen a heartfelt post deleted without the authors permission.  No matter how controversial, we weathered through it, you have never played "big brother" and deleted someone's post because you felt it was best for the board, and that is why I have stayed through the storms.  Judy certainly has the right to have her post gone, if that is what she wants, but I am dismayed to see my post sticking up for myself and of the people posting and trying to help each other deleted.

To say I should return to helping other heal from loss, when I was responded to an accusation that I have not been trying to do exactly that feels like meddling, which is something I have never seen you do before.  I will not even look at this board again, for fear you will delete this post "for everyone else's good", and I will be pissed.  You have given all of us a lot over the years.  All I ever tried to do was give back.

Goodbye
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Terry

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #4 on: August 09, 2010, 02:24:10 PM »
Hi to all!

I had posted my reply before seeing yours, Sarah. In the future it would be more productive to ask what has occurred instead of suggesting to someone that they had caused a problem. I'm addressing this specific issue because there are times when a member will jump on another member for something they are sharing before they even understand where they are coming from. This is a child loss forum. Emotions run high. By all means, disagree. It is how we learn from one another and get to know each other. Let's attack the message, not the messenger. And, if this doesn't apply, let it fly.

Tom has put his all into this board and cares deeply for others and deserves respect!

Recently, someone had posted something very impulsively, but out of love and care and then realized she should have "Breathed First!" (much love to you...:)) I'm not singling anyone out right now. This is for all on the board. I am just suggesting that we take a step back and a long, deep breath before responding to anothers post in the future.

I have not been sleeping. But, I write this with all of the love in my heart for everyone, and thank you so much for caring)

I have been receiving a lot of messages asking me what is going on, on the board. I will post my reply for all to read.

Judy was acting on her own last night, and on her own I mean without Tom's permission. He specifically asked her not to delete any posts. Tom did not intervene but was totally unaware that she was also deleting entire threads. She went on, and with help from other members here to take it upon herself to not only delete posts of her own, but entire threads where she had posted in.

And, as a result she has deleted everyone else's posts as well. And, without asking anyone's permission. Mine are also gone. This was an irresponsible action to take as there are those on this board who trusted Judy. That is now being questioned. The care she showed to other members here is also being questioned. None of this was necessary and by 'none of this' I mean...taking apart half of the board! This was totally uncalled for.

Due to these actions and without regard for others feelings or permission, as Tom has explained, what Judy has done has complicated the entire situation.

For the members who would like to see their postings returned to the board, just let Tom or I know. Tom keeps a full back-up of all postings and although this task would take some time, he is willing to re-instate all of the posts for any member. He cares for you all and has found this to be very unsettling as I have and I'm sure many others have, too.

I hope in the future when someone is planning on 'moving forward' in their grief or for whatever reason they are choosing to 'not post' at any particular time, that they leave with a grateful feeling for all they have been given through the sharing of everyone's heart here.

This place is holy ground. We share our hearts and all of the intimate details of our lives and I have always felt safe here. I hope in the future if someone is having a problem, that they will address it on the board to be able to receive support. That is the reason we are all here for each other and this has been, for most of us the only place we could come because even our family at times could not be there for us. We understand each other's pain here and we also grow together. We're a family. Let's continue to treat each other with the kindness and the courtesy that we all deserve and that we rarely receive elsewhere.

I trust that this post will put to rest everyone's questions and concerns. You are all correct to have them and I understand where everyone is coming from.

For those who are leaving the board/have left...I wish you only peace on your journey. For those who are here and will remain until you feel you must continue in another direction...Thank You for your support, your caring hearts and most of all, your love. I remain so very grateful for all of you.

My love,
Terry


« Last Edit: October 22, 2014, 12:12:26 PM by Terry »

browneyedgirl

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #5 on: August 09, 2010, 02:43:20 PM »
Terry ~ this is a great post, thank you for clarifying a lot of things.

You are truly a special friend to many. 

We must never forget that we are all here (unfortunatly) with something in commmon, the loss of a loved one, and/or grief.  

love,
pam
« Last Edit: August 09, 2010, 02:48:36 PM by browneyedgirl »
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Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #6 on: August 09, 2010, 03:21:09 PM »
Terry,

Perhaps breathing first and knowing the facts before posting would be more productive, as you say.  If I recall correctly, when a thread author deletes their personal original post, the entire thread is deleted....regardless of the intention.  I am positive that it was not Judy's intent to delete anyone's posts other than her own.  Other threads that she posted in (and was not the thread starter) appear to still be here.

Katie

Landons Mom Shelly

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #7 on: August 09, 2010, 10:04:15 PM »
Wow....what is going on here???  I am so sad to see that Judy was leaving, couldn't really understand the reasons behind (since I never knew there were problems to begin with).  I will have to agree to a point that this board has changed in a way, since I first found it back in Sept '07, just a few months after losing losing my Landon.  The amount of responses I received after my first post (which took me a lot of courage to post) was overwhelming and it literally felt like 100 of my closest friends surrounding me with hugs, comfort, and a shoulder to cry on, for you were the ones who knew what I was feeling.  I admit that my contributions and posts in this wonderful group have dwindled and for that, I am truly sorry ...my situation much different than most since my ex took my security blanket away by hacking in to these posts and using them against me in a very cruel way.

I hate to see anyone leave...you are all like my family, grieving and trying to grow together.  I hope Judy changes her mind....she has been a wonderful mentor to me throughout these terrible years.  Tom, I thank you for all you've done to keep this site on-going....a difficult task I am sure and for all the moderators...without your support, this group would not exist.


God bless all our lost loved ones, until we see them again....
Landon's Mom forever,

Shelly



My Precious Little Landon -- Forever in our Hearts        http://landon-greenan.gonetoosoon.org
August 1, 1995 - June 1, 2007

Tom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #8 on: August 10, 2010, 03:56:52 AM »
I realized that people are left with a sense that their posts could dissappear at any moment.  My apologies for this. Please don't let that thought worry you.  For the record the way Judy deleted posts was that she had been a greeter and I had given greeters special moderation abilities including deleting posts.  Obviously, I have since this incident turned that off.  I was foolish to trust that that power would not be abused. Judy knew my wishes but ignored them.  This is at least partly my fault. 

From the reaction so far it seems that folks are okay with simply moving on and not using the backups.  I feel at this point that is the better approach and will allow us to simply move forward from this point.

My apologies for this and I hope you all realize that there is almost no chance that this sort of thing can happen again.

Tom
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Katie--Adam's Mom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #9 on: August 10, 2010, 05:59:40 AM »
Tom,

I feel there is some confusion here.  Previous to our having "Greeters", people did delete their original posts in a thread which removed the entire thread.  Also, that ability seems to still be enabled, along with deleting individual posts.  In other words, it had nothing to do with Judy having Greeter permissions or a position of power.  Her actions were not an *abuse of power*.

Sincerely,
Katie

Tom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #10 on: August 10, 2010, 08:12:58 AM »
Tom,

I feel there is some confusion here.  Previous to our having "Greeters", people did delete their original posts in a thread which removed the entire thread.  Also, that ability seems to still be enabled, along with deleting individual posts.  In other words, it had nothing to do with Judy having Greeter permissions or a position of power.  Her actions were not an *abuse of power*.

Sincerely,
Katie

At the time that Judy deleted the threads regular posters were not allowed to delete threads or their own posts.  This is the case now.  You, as a regular poster are unable to delete, you can edit, but not delete.  I told Judy very clearly that I didn't want posts deleted and she decided on her own to delete her own threads against my wishes and in the process deleted the posts of others.  Since then I have changed the permissions for greeters and at this point the only poster who can delete is myself.

There may have been interations of this board or previous webhealing boards in the past where posters were allowed to delete their messages.  At present that is not the case. 
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Tom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #11 on: August 10, 2010, 08:41:12 AM »
Katie -  Ooooops.  I take that back.  I was wrong.  The way the forum administration is set up there are three separate places where permissions can be set for any board.  I just looked closely and noticed that there was one place on both the child loss forum and the main forum where the permissions were set for regular users to delete their own posts.  I overlooked this and this is my mistake and has been changed.  Sorry for the confusion.  
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Rebecca

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #12 on: August 10, 2010, 05:54:13 PM »
I know u r not going to go over what happened to keep the fires burning, but if Judy is the wonderful Judy from Hawaii, I am crushed.  I still remember the beautfiful post of the heart in the ocean, as it seemed to just happen.  I have not been on here much because I am going through my own hell and probably would be better off if I did write here.  I was "better" for a while and now I feel like the world is coming down around my head.It  seems that everywhere I turn, someone is talking about a "Jason".  It seems as if I should be happy about my impending grandchild and yet I know that Jason and my daughter did not always get along the best and I am broken about this.  I still cannot rectify in my head why he is dead.  My heart hurts, my everything hurts.  I am having trouble with my husband who everyone says is a saint.  We don't talk, we just live in the same house.  How could I leave now?  I am 62.5 years old, our first grandchild is going to be born, I have to work for a couple of more years, I carry the insurance?   How could I?  I'm thinking maybe my meds are not working anymore.  I am so sensative I feel like if anyone touches me I will cry.  Nothing is right.  How selfish of me because I should be talking about Judy...There was someone on here years ago and she hurt people and I think think she might have just left on hereown.  I can't imagine Judy hurting anyone.  Since I am not n hee all the time I don't know what is going on.  Judy if you leave us for good. May G-d bbe with you and Makennalives. Do I have th right Judy.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

jaki

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #13 on: August 10, 2010, 08:11:10 PM »
I am so saddened by the leadership on this board.  What I have witnessed over the last week has been cold, controlling, and lacking in compassion.  Terry, your comment questioning Judy's compassion over the last 6 years was unnecessary and meant to hurt.  I know the impact that she has had on the board and it's members and I would say that her presence was as important as Dena's in many ways.  Tom, when you say that Judy "abused" her power and then found that she could act on her own as a member- well, maybe I have missed it but I did not see your apology.  You may not agree with Judy's request that she wanted to remove her posts - her journey through grief - but I don't really understand how she cannot own her words.  She wrote them and they are hers to do with as she pleases.  I suspect that your books are evidence of the power of copyright but they also allow you to own those words that you struggled to put to paper.  The internet is new and we are all learning but a gentle hand and understanding on a board that supports grieving is expected.  I would suggest that we don't post here for you, but rather for ourselves to find our way amidst the most horrible grief.  I find this particularly true on the Child Loss section.  What strikes me is that Judy has lost a most beloved son - when she found she wanted to leave and move onto a new chapter in her life she needed closure on this board.  Your response - she didn't have the right to take her grief away.  That you owned it now.  WOW that is pretty powerful.  We may not have our children anymore but I think we should be able to know that when we are no longer participating on this site that our "story" stays with us, not this board. 
I also appreciate Judy pointing out that anyone can go on this board and read our thoughts - I always thought that we had to sign in, obviously naive.  You know Tom, when we come to this board we are not thinking beings we are acting to survive.  If I had thought for a moment that you would react to this request in the manner that you have I would have thought twice about what I posted.  So I hope you will create information that states that you may never remove a post, even if you leave the board, and make it mandatory reading when someone joins this board.
Judy, you will be missed by most on this board - your generous spirit gave hope to so many and for 6 whole years!
With respect and disappointment,
j

Tom

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Re: Leaving the Board
« Reply #14 on: August 11, 2010, 03:22:56 AM »
Jaki -  You are completely missing the point.  Judy was allowed at all times to edit her posts and remove anything she said that she wanted.  That was never in question.  Posters are allowed to remove what they have said as they wish through editing their own posts.  What I asked her and others not to do was to delete posts and threads or delete accounts.  By deleting posts, threads or accounts you leave gaping and mysterious holes that leave those reading later wondering what happened.  You also remove the posts of others who may very well want to keep their precious words up for others to read.  There are a number of upset and grieving people who have written to me very saddened by someone deleting their words of love and grief. Judy's actions, and your own, since the logfiles indicate that you were also involved in this episode, disregarded not only my own requests but the feelings and grief of those other folks on the board.
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