The clock is turning midnight. Three years ago it was the beginning of the last day you spent on this Earth. You didn't know...or did you? And neither did I know...or maybe I did? My little secret? A year or so before you left us, dad and I were talking and worrying about you as always. Not just fearing you would put yourself in danger but sensing ... something. Not really believing but somehow knowing your time with us would be short.
These 3 years have been so surreal. Dad and I and your brother and sister have struggled so hard to carry on without you. We miss you with every breath. In the morning when we rise to start a new day, we think of you. When we close our eyes at night, we think of you and pray our dreams are filled with wonderful memories of you.
So many moments throughout the day, we are reminded of our loss, saddened that you no longer light up a room with your smile, your laughter.
Saturday we will remember and honour you with "Keith's Luau". We will be joined by our family and friends, including yours, Wade and Holly's friends as we celebrate your life and memory. When darkness falls, we will each light a candle as we take a moment to remember what you meant to each of us. I will share a few words of gratitude for their continued support and, most especially, sharing memories of my precious son. I will cry. I will try hard not to but I will. I will see the sadness in the faces of other parents and I will briefly glimpse their truth - they are glad it wasn't their child. Perhaps this year I will sense their encouragement "to move on". I am ready for their ignorance. But I cannot move on. I am here, stuck in this time warp of disbelief. Each day you are the focus of every moment, even when I am occupied with daily tasks. I don't know how to live a purposeful life when my purpose seems now to be missing you, mourning your loss in my life.
You are my sweet, baby child. Always. I don't understand how I am here, without you. I don't know why. I miss everything about you. All the wonderful snapshots of memories....your cooking up a Keith feast on a weekend morning, the way you'd laugh when watching the Simpsons (even though you'd seen the same episode 4 or 5 times already), watching you walk down the street on your way to a friend's house, with heavy metal music blasting in your headphones. Seeing you come home from a long day at work, tired but satisfied. Relishing a good meal and eating with gusto. Enjoying the company of your friends, but even more importantly - your brother and sister.
You are the heart of my heart. Always and forever.
Wendy, Keith's mom