How Cruel, What to Say Back

[Donnys Dad]

Yesterday my wife was on Facebook with one of her cousins that was always close to her.  She asked how my wife was doing and she said "alright I guess".  Her cousin then responded with, "It has been 6 years get over it".  My wife is destroyed by her remark.

On here over the years I have heard the members with great come backs to those kind of remarks.  Can you help me out with some of them, I just have to say something back.

Thank You My Friends

Don

[Terry]

Hi Don,

I'm so sorry you were both hurt. I don't know about a great comeback but I have always set guidelines, especially for family as they continually want the old 'me' back and I remind them that she won't be returning anytime soon.

I would reply by asking first, that they 'not' use the phrase "get over it" in the same context when speaking of Donny. It is not rational and it is very hurtful.
I would remind them that although you know that they cannot understand your pain, you respectfully ask that they use compassion in regards to any aspect of your grief.

The only words you and Bonnie need to hear is, "I'm sorry you're feeling sad today. Just know although I don't understand, I love you and I'm here for you." (I would copy and paste that line and post it in BOLD letters)

This is all they need to say. And, if they are devoid of this sensitivity, I would ask that they limit their contact to 'small talk' since they are not able to handle anothers grief as it does not fit into their comfort zone.

I am on Facebook and I only accept 'friend requests' from those who have lost a child because the places I go need to remain safe. I must continue to guard my heart.

Again, I am so sorry for that awful comment and the pain it caused you both.

My love to you both,
Terry

[SARAH()]

I tell people that you can't "get over" being a mother.  Some parts of being a mother are joyful, others are hard.  Some are hard for a really long time. I tell people that "healing" (the kinder way to say "get over") is not possible, and I drove myself crazy trying to obtain it.  My only goal now is not to let my grief and sorrow overshadow the joy of the other parts of my life.

Unfortunately, the only way I have to parent my lost children that feels authentic and not contrived is just to cry out for them.  Don't expect me to stop.  I can't stop being my living children's mom either.

[SARAH()]

ps, as clumsy as the cousins words were, however, she might have just been expressing concern for your wife, especially if they are close.  No one is going to "get over" their child's suicide in six years, but IF your wife has not been able to reinvest in her life, and find things that are meaningful to her, I can understand her concern.  If she has been able to reinvest, I would point this out to the cousin -- look, I'll never be over his death, but with a great deal of effort, I've done x y and z.  Please support me in what I have been able to accomplish.

[Rebecca]

I guess I might not be as kind as our other sisters on here.  I can say that I have not heard that particular phrase but I think I would, if I was quick enough at the time, say something like:   Well, jackass, ( I don't know her name)  when you are exactly in my shoes, G-d forbid, I might add to her, then you tell me how u got over it...I pray cousin that u never experience the minute by minute pain I feel inside.  For us as u know, it is 5.5 years, I can say I walk, talk, laugh at times, etc., but my heart is always aching.  It is a feeling that truly in not describable (sp) in human terms.  I was on facebook and a daughter of a friend, has been posting videos of The Grateful Dead.. Jason followed the  band like you and Donny followed your football teams.  When I watch the videos I say... was here there, who was there, he enjoyed those concerts so much.  I don't know if this has been of any help... no one... no one... can ever know but us.
Thinking of you and Donny.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

[falcon]

I am so sorry we have to hear those remarks still !!!!!! I feel the same as Rebecca, I am right where i was at 3 yrs ago & always will be , i work thats about it & that is a daily STRUGGLE!!!!!!! God how we wish this was not the journey we chose, but they say cut ur dominate arm off & see if you miss it every morning.No comparrision but..... describe pain.I myself have just distanced my self from most people .Sorry for you & your wifes pain . Thinking of you & really feeling your pain/ love SANDY SHANES MOM

[SARAH()]

I would never call someone a "jackass" who I was close to and had always been there for me.  I'd save the phrase for judgmental insensitive idiots I didn't care about.  I would try to gently educate them so they could continue to be there for me.  If this cousin has been a source of support for six years, I would give her the benefit of the doubt, and not alienate her, too.

We also need to remember that we owe our friends our friendship, too.  That means listening to HER and how she feels (even when we don't feel like it)  As the years pass, we can't always be so pre-occupied with our children's deaths that we forget that other people have needs, too.  Sometimes, when people say "get over it" what they mean is "I need you, too."  It's possible to be a grieving parent AND a good friend.  Maybe Don's wife should ask, "I'm sure you don't really expect me to "get over" what happened to my son.  Is there something else you need from me that I'm not giving you."  Our grief can't indefinitely be the center of everyone else's universe.

Don, I hope with all my heart your wife is able to maintain meaningful relationships in her life, because she really needs them more than ever.  And not just with other grieving parents, but with family as well.  It is so important.  I pray that she can forgive and reconnect.

[WendyRN]

Thoughtless comments are hard to bear, and rarely forgotten.  I'm sorry, Don, that you and your wife have experienced this from somebody you regard as part of your support system. 

I very much agree with Sarah's comments.  Because we have so much trouble focusing on anything but the hole left behind in our hearts that has become filled with grief and emptiness, we forget the world is still turning on its axis, continuing in an ordinary way while our sense of order is not just askew but turned completely upsidedown.  Maybe your wife's cousin was just missing what once was their relationship.  Her hurt, anger, loss (of not only Donny but your wife - the person she was) maybe got the best of her. 

For most of us who have lost a child, we experience a shrinking circle of friends and support.  Some fall by the wayside of their own accord, unable to cope with our reality or the new us, and some we weed from our lives out of necessity for different reasons.  I hope when the initial hurt and shock of her comments begins to recede that your wife will be able to re-establish a relationship with her cousin who has stood beside her for 6 years.  Maybe giving her a book that discusses child loss and the forever ramifications would help her to understand that "its been six years, get over it" has no relevance.

Wendy, Keith's mom

[Dottie (Tammie's Mom)]

Hi, Don,

Sorry this happened to your wife. Most who have not lost a child just don't understand that we never get over it. We have lost a child and we miss them everyday and think of them every night. There is no getting over it.

I would and have explained this to people who DON"T GET IT.

Thinking of you Don and your handsome Donny,

Hugs,
Dottie

[Duckess]

I am new to this site and I guess a newbie with this loss. My Jon is only gone 1 year 2 months and 11 days    People always ask how am I doing....I am functioning  and doing what I must do to keep the remains of my fomily "going"   I have heard from people that I need to rejoin the land of the living  and am so upset to hear that.  I also realize that the loss of a child is something one will NEVER get over.   Time may soften the loss but it will always be apart of me.  I am now a  little different  just as I was the day Jon was born........................I'm not really  very articulate..just know that I understand your grief and hope that you do not isolate yourself from friends and family.  It is extrememly difficult to be motivated to go and do [anything  but as someone noted the world doesn't slow down for us even though we are walking through a swamp with army boots on.......Anyway I am with you in spirit and pray your sadness wil lighten so you are able to be available for others to love you, as you need more then anyone else now.

[lwuest]

Don,

First let me say I am so sorry your wife had to feel the pain that her cousin's remark left.  Personally, I would simply not tolerate a comment from ANYONE who says  "it's time to get over it".  Doesnt' matter if it's six months, six years or sixty years.  This is your child!  The pain never, ever goes away.  It changes, and we learn to live, but there is always a hole left in our hearts.

Sometimes just asking a question to the cousin who made this stupid comment  can send a much larger message than if your were to go into detail about your feelings.

Does the cousin have a child?  If so, I would simply respond "Would you feel "over it" after the loss of your child (put their name here).  If this cousin doesn't have a child don't even try to bother trying to explain, because they simply won't get it.

Again, I'm so sorry you and your wife have had to deal with this.

I always smile when I see Donny's face.  Take care, Linda

[Brenda Taylors Mom]

Comments like that Don and Bonnie, sadden me and make me mad. I don't think there is a good come back for such an ignorant person. Stay away from toxic people, even on the internet, delete them. Sending you and Bonnie my love and hugs. Brenda