Still Asking Why

[Jannie]

Hello all,

Not the best day for me today.  Spent the day cleaning my house and food shopping for my friend and her son who are coming tomorrow and staying overnight.  I look forward to seeing them, but I am not sure I really feel up to entertaining them.  I find myself sobbing uncontrollably at the oddest moments.  I was vacuuming today, and the tears were rolling down onto my carpet.  Tonight while I was out watering my flowers, I started to sob again.  I miss him so damn much, it hurts.  I just don't understand my purpose for being here any more.

Karen, I'm so happy that your session with the medium brought you some peace and understanding.  I am intrigued by it and also very happy for you and your family.

Penny, I know how difficult this is for you, and I feel your pain in all your posts.  I wish I knew some magic that would make this go all go away for you and for all of us, but, unfortunately, I do not.  We were left behind to deal with this unbearable burden that no one really understands unless they have been through it themselves.  Please try not to blame yourself for anything.  We all did the best we could and knew how at the time, and nothing we could have done would have prevented the ultimate outcome if it was meant to be.

I am tired and having difficulty typing tonight, so I will stop here.

Wishing you all a good night and a better tomorrow,
Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie,
     I went out to eat with some old friends of me and Johnny tonight, it was very hard, but they wanted my to come, it was just the women by the way or else I would never have gone,being a fifth wheel.   I am feeling numb again tonight, like I did in the beginning, strange, I don't know why.  I listen to the tape from george anderson over and over, and It makes me feel good that i know Johnny is still close by, but he still isn't here with me, no matter which way you twist or turn it that is the end results.  I miss him so much tonight,  I had a little wine, not a good idea, a depressant, I had better just go to bed, before I really upset myself.
Good Night
Hugs
Karen

[lovedhim]

Hi everyone --

I just read my horoscope for today.  It seems silly, but lately my horoscope has been appropriate to my life.  I thought I would share this, just because I need to share it with someone.

"Sometimes your feelings get in the way of keeping up with your regular activities. Don't give up even if you are hurting inside. Just remember how tender and raw your emotions are now so be careful about exposing them. Give yourself permission to keep quiet if that makes you feel safe. Wait until you're ready to share your heart."

That is how I feel when I deal with folks in my neighborhood and at the office.  I have to keep going, even though it hurts so much to go it alone after all these years.

Thinking of you all.

[poppy]

Dear Jannie,

I have been asking myself the WHY question a lot lately. July 8th was just 3 months since Greg died and the pain still feels like it was yesterday. Everyone is gone now on with their own lives and I find myself just sitting around doing nothing. I am on summer vacation because I am a teacher and really wish I was back at work because if gave some purpose to my life. I want Greg to be here to share and give some direction to life. So many unanswered questions. I like the idea of waiting quietly. I just reread what I wrote and I am truly rambling.

Bye for now, Poppy

[Jannie]

Hi all,

I am just relaxing after spending two days with my friend and her son (he's 7).  We went to the beach, to the pool, to the boardwalk, and shopping, and I am beat!  I was not up to entertaining, but I have been friends with Joan for many, many years and could not say no to her.  And I just adore the little one.  She had him later in life, and he is such a cutie.  He is always hugging me, and I sure could use those hugs now!  It was nice to be with them, but I am glad to be by myself again.  It's hard being with other people 24/7 even though we love them.

Poppy, July 8th would have been my husband's 70th birthday.  Although I will always miss him and thought of him on that day, my thoughts are always about Charlie these days.  I lost my husband in 1998, and I waited a long time for Charlie to come along.  Now he is gone too.  Life is so unfair.  Asking WHY is something we all do.  Unfortunately, there are no answers in this world, and we ultimately have to accept that and move on, or we will drive ourselves crazy.

Loved him, your horoscope is not silly.  It makes a lot of sense.  I know that my emotions are making me do and say things that I would not ordinarily do or say.  I flew off the handle at the nail place the other day because they were making me wait so long, and the owner realized that I was upset and said to sit down--that they would take me right away.  I know that my pain is talking when I do things like that.

Karen, did you happen to see that HBO special "No One Dies in Lily Dale?"  I saw it the other night and thought of you.  It was fascinating, although I am a little skeptical about it all.  For those of you who have HBO, it is a special that is being shown a lot this month (check your local listings) and worth watching.  It's about mediums in upstate NY who communicate with those who have passed on.  Karen, you are right, no matter what, they are still gone from us.  We still cannot hold or touch them or be with them in the physical world even if we believe they are still with us in spirit, and that is so very hard to accept.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful evening and a better tomorrow.

Hugs,
Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Jannie, Lovedhim and poppy,
     Well today was a stay home all day kind of day.  I only went out to visit my friend during her lunch break at work for an hour and went back home.  I don't even know what I did all day, I was on the computer alot,
     My son sold my husband's truck yesterday, and they are coming for it tomorrow, that stupid truck is going to give me a hard time, I just won't be able to be part of watching it leave, Johnny loved that truck.  It is going to bother me alot, I know it already.  I see it everytime I take the dogs out, it is in the driveway, as if he is home, now it will be gone.  another change.
     My son is moving in 2 weeks, now instead of 1/2 hr away he will be 1 hr away, not so good for me.  So my both sons will be about 10 minutes from each other, that is good, and the hints are coming, come on ma, it would be good to be close to us and the kids.  I know it would, but I don't think I should make any big decisions yet, I live in this apartment for 38 years, and I have all kinds of stores, including little food stores, right down the block from me, where they live you have to drive to the store, that alone is a giant adjustment.   More brain pressure, I just can't think about this now, although eventually I know that I will have to make a decision, as my neighborhood is not the greatest anymore.
Oh Well
I am still trying to find a thereapist, impossible, they all don't speak good english, hard to find one here.  I guess I have to keep looking, I need to vent to someone, that will answer me.
  Good Night all
Hugs
Karen

[Jannie]

Good evening all,

Long day--worked from 10 till 6, so I am tired tonight.  I didn't sleep very well last night either. 

A couple that Charlie and I knew from our village here were in the store today, and I stopped them to say hello.  They had not heard about Charlie's death and were really shocked.  It was hard to tell them what had happened and still do my job after that, but I managed to get on with it. 

Karen, I'm sorry about the truck, but I'm sure it had to be sold.  It's just another piece of Johnny being ripped from your life, I'm sure.  Like Charlie's house being sold.  I would try not to make any major decisions about moving right now--you are where you are comfortable right now and should not be rushed into anything.  A woman I know who used to live here who lost her husband several years ago sold her home and moved in with her kids.  She ended up being a full-time babysitter with no life of her own.  She is sorry she made the move. 

I agreed to go on a dinner cruise next Tuesday night with a group of people from the village.  I'm not sure I really want to do it because most of the people going will be couples, I'm sure, but my friend Judy talked me into it.  It's an early bird cruise from 6:00 till 8:30, so I guess I can survive it.  Hope they have a bar on board!!!

I came home from work tonight and burst into tears thinking about how Charlie and I always missed each other so much when I was at work and how we looked forward to seeing each other when I got home.  I see him everywhere and miss him so much it hurts.

Hoping everyone is doing okay and wishing you peace and a good day tomorrow,

Jannie

[closs86]

Hi Everyone,
      I had a weird day today, went to the doctor this morning, my son had to come for me, I was so upset with myself that I couldn't go myself, really pissed off, but i didn't know the way, so he was supposed to show me one time, but I was still not happy that I have to bother him to do these things for me, it just isn;t me.  But we went and my pressure is nice and high, but it has to be from the stress, i never had high blood pressure, I won't take anything, I told the dr. to wait until i have to come back and see how it is, he gave me an e k g, just to make sure, who knows, wait until my blood work comes back, I have been eating everything i shouldn't be, every day since johnny was sick, who cares.
      Then I came home and started working on the basement again, there is just so much stuff to go through, and get rid of.  Selling old oak furniture from down there, all kinds of stuff, I have to get organized.
      You are right i cant make any big decisions now, and I would never ever move in with either of my sons, and not even walking distance, because I know that is what will happen i will be the full time baby sitter, and i just don't have the patience for that anymore. 
       Well tomorrow off to the dentist, hate it
Take care
Karen

[lovedhim]

Jannie -- you said it perfectly  -- "I miss him so much it hurts".   I had a bad day today.  Thoughts kept creeping in when I was trying to work.  Driving home wasn't much better.  Received a card from a dear friend that made me cry. 
I haven't been able to sort through furniture and clothing yet, Karen. 
Having a glass of wine.
Thinking of you all.

[closs86]

Hi Jannie, and loved him
       I drove to the dentist today, proud of myself, it was a good distance. (no highways yet).  Then my other son, his wife and my grand daughters came over and spent the rest of the day with me, it was very nice, I enjoyed the girsls don't see them as much as the boys,  It was so nice to have them here, but Johnny was missing, it just dosen't feel right,  I feel like he is in the next room or in the basement and we are waiting for him to come back into the room. 
      They left a little while ago, i am tired and sad, I miss him so much, he belongs here next to me, that's all there is to it.
God help us
Karen

[Jannie]

Hi All,

I'm off to work in about another half an hour--it's raining hard here finally--we sure need it, and it's nice to get a break from the awful heat of the past couple of weeks, although the humidity still continues.  So much for the weather report!

Karen, it's good that you are continuing with the driving.  I'm sure Johnny would be so proud of you!  The highway driving will be hard for you, I'm sure.  It's not easy being on the road these days--just take it slow and be careful out there.  Sorry about your blood pressure, but stress can do that to a person.  I'm surprised with all the work-outs that you've been doing that it is so high.  I, too, have been eating all the wrong things since Charlie died, but lately I have been getting back on track. 

Not much else going on--another day without Charlie, another day of trying to survive this miserable deck of cards that we have been dealt.  I find myself getting through most days now without crying, but I still feel numb and sad most of the time.  I know it will be a long time before this feeling lessens, if ever.  I wonder why I have been left here every day--no kids, no family, no life any more. 

I am trying to plan a cruise for myself in the late fall/early winter just to have something to look forward to.  My friend from Florida has offered to go with me, but I don't think I can stand being with her for that long, especially having to room with her!  I like her, but I have travelled with her before, and she drives me crazy!

I have so much reading to do--books, magazines, financial reports--I just have no desire.  I have taken the same book to the pool with me for about a month now, and I haven't even opened it!  I watch a lot of movies from Netflix at night, and it does divert my mind from my grief for a few hours until I can fall asleep (another tough one for me)!

Well, rain has let up a little, and I need to get my recycling can in, so I will stop here.

Hoping everyone has a peaceful day and evening,


Jannie

[closs86]

Hi everyone
     Well I worked today, I really didn't want to go in today, so it was a long day, i would have preferred to stay home and in bed today.
      I was a little down in the dumps all day, last night my 11 yr old grand daughter sat in my bedroom by Johnny's Urn and was either talking or praying to him, it broke my heart, but I didn't let her know I saw her, I left her alone with him, I think that is why my day was lousy today.  I am  going to watch some t v and try to relax
take care
hugs
karen
     

[lovedhim]

Hi all,

I had a long day at work -- arrived home around 9:30pm.  Was good to have something to do all day to keep my mind occupied.  Not really focused, but something to do.  I used to love my job, now it is something I must do, mainly for my sanity.
I am going to visit my son for the weekend.  I haven't seen him since April at his granddad's funeral.  I really can't wait to spend a little time with him.
I am pretty boring tonight.  I miss my husband so much.  The stray cat he tamed is sleeping at my feet.  She won't stay inside for the night, so when I move to go to bed, she will jump up and leave.  Sometimes I wish she would stay, just for the company, but she won't have it.
I am thinking of each of you.

[zxcv]

hello,  I know how you feel.  It will be 3 months tomorrow.  I have been extra sensitive and cry over the least little thing.  I am also back to work part time.  Right now I think I have a little to much time on my hands. Keep trusing God and God Bless Susan

[Jannie]

Evening all,

Feeling very low all day.  I miss Charlie so much--I just don't know what I am doing here any more.  I see his beautiful face and smile everywhere I look.  Why did this happen to me again?

Nothing seems to matter much--I just can't get excited about anything any more without him.  I went to the mall this afternoon just to get out of here and look for some sales--even shopping doesn't get me excited any more.

Karen, that was so sad about your granddaughter.  How sad this is for them too.  I'm sure she loved her grandfather very much and misses him also.

Another weekend coming up--oh, how I hate them.  I am rethinking my decision to go on the dinner cruise next week.  I haven't paid for it yet, so I can still get out of it.  I know my friend Judy will be upset that I am not going, but there are mostly couples going, and there will be dancing too--I DON'T THINK I CAN HANDLE THAT!! 

Well, I need to clean up my dinner dishes, so I will wish you all a peaceful evening.  Maybe someday we will all be able to find a reason to smile again.

Jannie