Author Topic: Not coping well with parents deaths  (Read 4644 times)

aimeeh

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Not coping well with parents deaths
« on: June 01, 2010, 07:31:05 AM »
Hi, I'm new.  I lost both my parents in the last three years.  I'm an only child and I'm 37.  I'm not married, I have no children.  I do have a boyfriend.  However, I STILL feel so completely alone and am honestly unable to comprehend this.  I am still in shock.  I feel like a zombie. Catatonic.  I am unemployed.  I just sit and play sims all day until my boyfriend comes home.  I feel awful for him.  Having to deal with me like this.  I can barely clean the house and rarely do anymore.  I have lost all concept of my responsibilities. When I'm not playing sims or doing something that takes up every free thought in my head, I am so depressed that all I want to do is sleep.  Or cry.  And so I do them both often.

My father died in March of 2007 of an aortic aneurism.  He had just turned 60.  My mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer last November and died on January 31.  She had just turned 60 the previous June.  I spent all that time taking care of her 24 hours a day.  It isn't just her death (which is horrible enough) but also the fact that I have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder from a violent childhood to deal with.  My moms side of the family just triggers me constantly.  So not only was I watching my mom die a slow and painful death for 3 months, but I was in a prison.  I was 1000 miles away from home.  I had no car.  I hardly ever left the house.  I was constantly around people whose simple body language and voices scare me.  I love them but the fact that I had spent 15 years of my life living as far as away from them as possible and was now experiencing it all over again IN ADDITION to watching my beloved mother die, well, I just wanted to literally disappear from this earth. I wanted to just be gone. I medicated myself almost the entire time I was there to take the edge off.

So, now I'm home.  Have been since the first week of February.  I want to talk to NO ONE.  I want to just be left alone.  And I want to know when will I be okay?  Will I ever be okay?  I feel like my body is splintered.  I feel abandoned.  I miss my parents so completely.  I may not have seen them all that much in the last ten years, but I talked to them several times a week.  They were the little bit of emotional security I ever had. And now Its gone.  I don't trust anything anymore. I know my boyfriend loves me.  He is trying his best to deal with my intense depression and anxiety attacks but I feel like it is too much to ask of him sometimes.  And that he'll just say I can't handle this anymore.  And go.

And I'm having nightmares.  The worst part about losing my mom was the last four hours.  She fought and fought.  There was nothing - NOTHING - peaceful about her death.  It was loud and painful.  And I thank God every single time I think about it that my boyfriend had come down and was there to be with me when it happened.  But I dream about it.  I dream that BOTH my parents are dying.  And I can't save them.  Obviously. But I want it to stop.  I am just haunted by it. 

And then there are the hospital bills.  She had no health insurance.  Of course.  And she died two weeks before the two year waiting period on her life insurance was up.  So that is in contention.  And she had no car, the house she lived in was put in both my grandmas name and mine.  But that doesn't matter because my grandma suddenly decided that she didn't want to sell it after all.  So I can't sell it to pay those bills, like I'd planned to.  I certainly can't kick an 80 year old woman out...its really even more complicated.  And, there is no will.  But grandma keeps telling everyone that I'm the executor of her 'estate' of which there are only hospital bills.  So they are hounding me.  Me.  Who has no money.  No job. Nothing.  I am riddled with anxiety so intense at times that it makes me tremor.

So I'm trying to figure out what the heck I can do to just cope with everything that is happening.  I'm in a nightmare.  And we don't have a headstone yet.  I can't afford it. And my grandma is hounding me about that.

I sometimes just don't know how I'm going to be okay after all this.  And I can't believe that they are gone.  With my dad, well, I always felt it was not real because I hadn't witnessed it.  I had been 3000 miles away from them when it happened.  I felt guilt.  But with my mom, well, witnessing it was the worst thing I could have imagined.  I can't get it out of my head.  And I can't wrap my head around the fact that it really happened.

I wish I could get some counseling but with no money at the moment, I can't afford to see anyone.  But I had to get this all off my chest.  It has been four months.  But nothing is changing.  I want my life back.  I'm afraid I'll never have it back.

Thanks.
Aimee

Terry

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Re: Not coping well with parents deaths
« Reply #1 on: June 01, 2010, 05:58:21 PM »
Hi Aimeeh,

I'm sorry to hear of your losses. I'm glad you found us here. The folks here are very supportive as everyone is dealing with a great loss, or as yourself, many losses.
It must have been very difficult to watch your precious Mom suffer the way she did. I'm so sorry.

Your grief is still so new and the pain so raw and I understand wanting your life back the way it was. I truly do. It really does take a lot of time, patience (with yourself) and the ability to do what you have done here....share all of your feelings. That, in itself is healing.

Please come back and tell us more about your wonderful family. Someone is always here to listen.

Sending you a hug and my love,
Terry


laurenE

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Re: Not coping well with parents deaths
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2010, 05:35:00 AM »
Aimeeh,

Your situation sounds somewhat familiar to mine.  Both parents gone at an early age.  I was 12 when dad died, and 25 when mom died.  I am now 43, married, no children, and not in contact with MY violent and dsyfunctional childhood family.  I am so very sorry that you had to go through all of that.   It is not fair.  I wouldnt wish it on anyone.

I also had nightmares, & PTSD, mostly from childhood stuff.  I can tell you that for me,  counseling helped tremedously.

 Yes you can get counseling b/c there are community agencies that base their fee on income.  Here where I live,  in a city,  you can get counseling for as low as $11.00 a session.  Thats if you have no income.  If you do have a small income,  it goes up some,  depending on how much or little you make.  

 Please google  community mental health centers  in your town and go find someone to talk to.  If you have a good college in your town,either private or a  community college, then sometimes they have free counseling for the community by thier graduate seminary guys, or psychology majors.
  Churches also provide free counseling to anyone.   It will be worht it.  At least it was for me.
Contact your hospital.  Ask to speak to a social worker and ask her for the names of low income or free counseling.  They will have a list of low income services.  People come into ER all the time with no money. The hosp social workers are there to help those people find the help  and resources they need. I know. I used to do that job.  :)

Does it get easier.  Yea,  in time.  Grief takes awhile to work through. Complicated grief, such is what you may be dealing with, due to your history of abuse,  takes longer.  Grief is considered in the early stages for the first 1- 1/2 yrs.  For me,  I was grieving hard for the first 2 yrs.  Hard.   But now, 8 yrs later,  I dont even cry at holidays.   Everyone is different in the way they grieve and how long they grieve so dont compare your grief to any one else.  I just offer this as hope to you that it does get easier,  and that the pain does not cut as deep  after awhile.

Please continue to post here.  It may help to get it all out and talk about it.  T here is healing in that.  At least I thought so.   Staying busy also helped me.  There is no way I could have stayed home all day.  Please try to find a  part time job or volunteer job that will keep your mind occupied once in awhile.  That really helped me and I do think saved my life.  I dont know how I c ould have survived staying home alone all day long with nothing to do but think about myself and my sadness.  All I know is,  it would not have been good.

Hope you are having a better day today.

lauren
« Last Edit: June 02, 2010, 05:46:18 AM by laurenE »

aimeeh

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Re: Not coping well with parents deaths
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2010, 05:08:28 PM »
Thank you both Lauren and Terry, for your responses.  I wish I could hug you both.

My mom and dad, well, they were not perfect.  But they sure did love me.  And I'll never feel that again.  I will never hear their voices, feel their warmth.  Touch them, smell them.  Never again.  I used to rub her back and just concentrate all my senses to my fingertips so I'd never forget how she felt.  Because I knew that soon, I'd never feel my mom again.  And I'd smell her all the time.  I wish I could have bottled that scent.  Oh, this is not good.  Just started crying.

Today was no better.  Holidays are the worst, though.  I tend to fall apart on them...so far.  Lauren, I will see what I can find.  I looked a bit but they were not easy to find here.  I live in a fairly large city, and there is a place everyone was telling me about but they only offer 2 sessions.  That will do me no good.  I was in therapy for ten years on a weekly basis for the PTSD when I lived in Oregon and I know that I need more than two sessions.

Being home alone is killing me.  I just have no car, which really puts a damper on things.  I really do need a job.  For more reasons than just to keep my sanity.  I have a fear of that, though.  Jobs.  I can do either superbly well or dive bomb.  It depends on the level of my depression.  And, considering that I am in the depths of it right now, I am afraid that I'll fail.  But, seriously, that doesn't matter.  The fact is I need to get out of here.

Well, today I received the insurance check.  They knocked off 25% for her dying 11 days before the 2 year period of was up.  Not sure why that irks me, maybe just because I have those hospital bills to pay for and I'm freaking out.  But.  I burst into tears.  When I looked at the check it seemed that her life meant so much more to me than such a small bit of money.  But, at least it will cover her funeral arrangements and her headstone.  I was very worried about both. 

Well, off to play sims for a few while my boyfriend plays his guitar.  If nothing else, I do have a wonderful boyfriend.  I'm blessed with that one.

I will do my best to come on and talk a bit.  Its very hard for me to do, to be honest.  I like to hole myself up and hermitize a bit.  I'm a loner.  But I will try.  I'm so sad and alone, I am praying that this will help me.

Thank you both of you for reading my post up there.  And, Lauren, it really eases my mind a bit to know that someone else has had to deal with all this with PTSD.  I am sorry for your losses.  I am lucky I had them as long as I did.

Thanks,
Aimee