Author Topic: how can it be 10 years !?!  (Read 5359 times)

carolzonie

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how can it be 10 years !?!
« on: May 25, 2010, 03:56:53 PM »
Hello old friends...Haven't posted here in a very long time!  My son Ross was killed on May 25, 2000 while riding his bike in an area closed off to traffic when a couple of construction workers took a shortcut home a way they weren't supposed to go...and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  I lived on this board every day and night for several years.  the how's and the why's have been unanswerable, but every day i saw that the sun would rise and set around me, and slowly i started to see color and hear laughter in my life again, and recently, faced my fears and have found joy again. (long story)  We found that talking about him and the things he did, just like you would do if your child was still alive, was a good thing.  I've found over the years that I prefer to keep my deepest pain private now.  I'm the one who decides if I will let anyone in, and if so..when.  my mantra..."my grief, my way."  There is no right or wrong, only what's right for each individual.  I've told myself many times that I'm not a poster child for grief, because what I've done for myself might not be right for someone else.

I see a lot of names here that I recognize, and sadly, too many new ones, (sigh).  My son's birthday and heaven date are only 3 days apart, which seems like a lot of intensity all at once, but for some reason, his birthday is the one that brings tears.  Once that happens, I seem to be okay.  Today, his heaven date, the minutes approaching 6 pm are the only hard moments...I'll say a prayer, or say something to him, and just stay low key.  I'm a pretty upbeat person most of the time, so I've honestly come to realize that he's okay...he's in heaven waiting for me, and it's up to me to make the most of this brief time on earth before we go home.  I'm not super religious, but having been raised Catholic, i'm mostly spiritual in my thinking now and believe in karma and the golden rule.  It all comes down to this...god is love, and love is god.  if you have one, you have the other.  I try.

so...i got an email from an old friend who I met here, and it reminded me of how deeply i NEEDED to see that parents farther down the road could and would survive.  so here I am to tell you that you can and you should, in honor of our children who want us to make the best of our time here.  It sure changes the way you see life doesn't it?  I never shy away from talking about my son, and posted a nice message on my facebook page, with a little video of our balloon release, and you know what?  it made me feel better to do that for him...i put flower seeds inside the balloons before the helium.  My thought is that the seed will fall to earth, and bloom in honor of him...or at the least, a hungry bird will have it first....all in the name of life, in his honor.

The help I got here was critical in my early survival, so I hope that new parents can take comfort in that.  all my best... Carol Chapman ([email protected])

WendyRN

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #1 on: May 25, 2010, 09:32:46 PM »
Glad you stopped by, Carol.  I guess I'm not "newly" bereaved anymore as my son, Keith, has been gone more than 2 1/2 years now.  But it still feels so raw.  So incomprehensible.  All I feel is empty and wonder when and how gladness might return to my life.  I can't see peace and joy from my vantage point, but would welcome gladness in small doses. 

I really appreciate your words of wisdom.  I love the idea of seeds in your launched balloons.  I think I'll borrow it!  We honour Keith with a balloon launch on his birthday and a luau with candle lighting and moment of silence the weekend after he passed in August.  The luau is attended by 80 - 100 people, our friends, family, and so many of Keith's friends (as well as our older two kids' friends - all who knew Keith well.)

Thinking of your Ross on this, his heaven day, and wishing you a more peaceful tomorrow. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Rebecca

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2010, 04:21:55 AM »
Nice to read ur writings and see Ross' beautfiul face.  You were so supportive when I started this crawl 5.5 months ago.  I am the point now where I walk, lauff, go out, see people, mask every emotion to the outside world but inside I am dead and bitter.  I don't show this side so I wonder how it will manifest itself.  People still say stupid things, I ignore it, they don't understand.  I see people Jason's age and I cry inside and want to walk away.  My bottom line is that I think it stinks that he is gone so long without coming back.  I make no sense but I want him and in my dream world, he will be back.  Thank u for writing.  I write very little because as I reread my words I see they say and sound the samw as the post before.  How can they ease, just a drop, a new member to this horrific club when I am talking like this after 5 years.  I really think it is worse now than before.  Again, thank u.
Rebecca Jason's Mom

Barbara

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2010, 08:50:14 AM »
Carol, I have been here for nearly 2 years. My son was taken from me on July 1st 08....he was 22 yrs old. Thank you for your post. I do find that there are moments of joy in my life and I function on a day to day basis and I think that is all anyone can ask. It certainly is an emotional rollercoaster. Love the idea of the seeds in the balloon. I agree with Rebecca about masking emotions to the outside world. People aren't comfortable with the death of our children and most don't want to talk about it, maybe because they don't know what to say. I don't know. They don't understand that the sound of our childrens name is like music to our ears and that when their name is spoken it means they are not forgotten. That is one of my biggest fears, that as time goes on, my son will be forgotten. I also use that mask to protect myself. People seem to think that as time goes on we should get over it. I can't stand to hear that, as there is no such thing. It hurts too much to hear those words. Yes, people say stupid things. Some days are nearly unbearable. Some days it doesn't seem real. Thank God for this board, as here I can say what is on my mind and all those here understand. I thank everyone on this board for their continuing support. I don't know what I would do without you at this most terrible time in my life.


carolzonie

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2010, 02:48:31 PM »
Glad you stopped by, Carol.  I guess I'm not "newly" bereaved anymore as my son, Keith, has been gone more than 2 1/2 years now.  But it still feels so raw.  So incomprehensible.  All I feel is empty and wonder when and how gladness might return to my life.  I can't see peace and joy from my vantage point, but would welcome gladness in small doses. 

I really appreciate your words of wisdom.  I love the idea of seeds in your launched balloons.  I think I'll borrow it!  We honour Keith with a balloon launch on his birthday and a luau with candle lighting and moment of silence the weekend after he passed in August.  The luau is attended by 80 - 100 people, our friends, family, and so many of Keith's friends (as well as our older two kids' friends - all who knew Keith well.)

Thinking of your Ross on this, his heaven day, and wishing you a more peaceful tomorrow. 

Wendy, Keith's mom

Thank you Wendy...I'm so sorry to learn about Keith, I can imagine you must miss him like you would miss breathing, our son's who are so special to us leave a giant black hole from their presence taken out of our lives don't they.  The rawness and the emptiness are very real, and I forced myself to "be gentle with myself" as often as I could.  You do stay in shock for a while, and I wore the mask too, mostly to make it easier on everyone else.  they just don't want to see the horror that we live with when we are in grief.   What they don't understand is that sometimes the tears we cry are healing in nature and we'll just have to do the best we can one day at a time.

the luau sounds wonderful, and how blessed you are to have so many caring people attend and share this with you...  thank you for your kind thoughts, I wish peace for all of us...(((hugs))) Carol

carolzonie

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2010, 02:55:23 PM »
Nice to read ur writings and see Ross' beautfiul face.  You were so supportive when I started this crawl 5.5 months ago.  I am the point now where I walk, lauff, go out, see people, mask every emotion to the outside world but inside I am dead and bitter.  I don't show this side so I wonder how it will manifest itself.  People still say stupid things, I ignore it, they don't understand.  I see people Jason's age and I cry inside and want to walk away.  My bottom line is that I think it stinks that he is gone so long without coming back.  I make no sense but I want him and in my dream world, he will be back.  Thank u for writing.  I write very little because as I reread my words I see they say and sound the samw as the post before.  How can they ease, just a drop, a new member to this horrific club when I am talking like this after 5 years.  I really think it is worse now than before.  Again, thank u.
Rebecca Jason's Mom
Hi Rebecca...yes, I remember you, thank you for the note.  I think that I left the board for the same reason you mentioned above because i felt like i was repeating myself a lot...but darn it, the people here are the only ones who can understand why we do that and won't judge.  We wear the mask so that we can "fit in" with everyone else on their terms, but for me at least, I wanted to be with everyone else and pretend like I belonged there like I used to.  The truth is...unless you live on a deserted island by yourself, you WILL lose someone you love someday...not if...WHEN in that case.  I found that in reaching out to others, i helped myself heal.  but, everyone is different, and you're the only one who can walk in your shoes.   I sure understand the emptiness...it changes you in real and profound ways.  I'm just much more private now than I ever was, and i used to be the kind of person who met people easily, but not so much anymore.  But..that's okay, I've learned to listen more too.  anyway...sending you big hugs and wishes for daily smiles!  ((hugs)) Carol

carolzonie

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #6 on: May 26, 2010, 03:11:16 PM »
Carol, I have been here for nearly 2 years. My son was taken from me on July 1st 08....he was 22 yrs old. Thank you for your post. I do find that there are moments of joy in my life and I function on a day to day basis and I think that is all anyone can ask. It certainly is an emotional rollercoaster. Love the idea of the seeds in the balloon. I agree with Rebecca about masking emotions to the outside world. People aren't comfortable with the death of our children and most don't want to talk about it, maybe because they don't know what to say. I don't know. They don't understand that the sound of our childrens name is like music to our ears and that when their name is spoken it means they are not forgotten. That is one of my biggest fears, that as time goes on, my son will be forgotten. I also use that mask to protect myself. People seem to think that as time goes on we should get over it. I can't stand to hear that, as there is no such thing. It hurts too much to hear those words. Yes, people say stupid things. Some days are nearly unbearable. Some days it doesn't seem real. Thank God for this board, as here I can say what is on my mind and all those here understand. I thank everyone on this board for their continuing support. I don't know what I would do without you at this most terrible time in my life.




(((Barbara))) thank you for your response.  Oh, how i know that mask!  I got to the point where I just didn't care what anyone else said or thought, and i sort of "dared" anyone to criticize me or how  they felt i was doing by saying stuff like, "this is MY grief and I'll do it MY way thank you" (kind of mean, but i mean, really, unless they have walked in our shoes!!) It usually put them in their place. some days, I had to remember to breathe, to put one foot in front of the other and force myself to do something that I liked, that made me smile.  Not always easy, but even if it meant sitting outside listening to the birds...and I found peace then.  (((hugs to you))) Carol 

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #7 on: May 26, 2010, 04:52:07 PM »
Hi Carol,

So nice to come here and see your post.  Of course, it is wonderful to see Ross' beautiful face and smile. It has been quite a journey and while I'm coming up on 7 years in July it seems so long ago and yet like yesterday all at the same time.

I know for me it has gotten softer and I am much more private with my grief.  That being said, there are still those moments/days that bring me right back to my knees. I so questioned those first years and whether or not I would actually make it but somehow we do and I know I continue to move forward by the grace of God and some very dear friends that I have made here on this board and a very loving supportive husband that gives me my time to continue grieving as I need to.

I send balloons up every angel date and sometimes "just because" and love your idea of including seeds... hope you don't mind but I think I'll borrow that idea. 

I hope your days are filled with beautiful memories of your precious Ross and those memories will lift you and carry you.

Take care,
Jeanne
Philip's mom forever
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Brenda Taylors Mom

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #8 on: May 26, 2010, 05:31:12 PM »
Carol,, its so good to hear from you :) I have missed seeing Ross, he sure is a looker :) I'm glad to hear you've come to find joy :) I find it in bits and pieces, but I grab hold of any happiness that I can get and I guess that's good steps forward. Went boating with my grand girls and daughter and her husband Sunday and I realized as we were leaving, we are making new memories and I actually smiled to myself instead of crying that I was making new ones now.  My daughter deserves that too, I think I have neglected her and it's time to put an end to that, and I have been. It's been 5 1/2 years and I still cry everyday, hope someday that passes and I can just smile and laugh and remember his life and not always his death. Even the happy memories still make me cry. Like you said, my grief, my way... good mantra. I love the idea of putting seeds in the balloons and planting seeds, I love that. It has to be so extremely hard with Ross's birthday and angel day so close. I find Taylor's birthday to be the hardest too, lot of tension builds up coming up on the day, then the after I usually come down with an illness. Well, it's just so good to hear from you, I always loved to post with you and see Ross, he is so so so very handsome :)) Love to you dear friend, Brenda
« Last Edit: May 28, 2010, 04:25:48 PM by Brenda Taylors Mom »

Johns Mom

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #9 on: May 26, 2010, 06:42:12 PM »
((Carol))  so good to see your post & your handsome ROSS, it was 10 yrs. on the 21st for my John...still shake my head in disbelief.  Life goes on and I know that our kids would want us to be happy..but, sometimes it is just so darn hard!!  We moved 5 yrs. ago from Florida to Georgia.....last month we had John moved to a cemetery close to where we live.  I'm glad May is just about over...it's a very hard month for me to get through.  I don't post much but read every now and then.  This was my life line in the beginning of this journey and I don't know where I would be today if I didn't have this place to come to early on.  Sending love & ((Hugs))   Pat

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #10 on: May 26, 2010, 09:46:06 PM »
Hi Carol,

So nice to see your post and your handsome and very precious, Ross! The time really does goes by, although in the earlier years of my grief, it seemed to just "stop." Moving out of the rawness, the intensity of the pain that was so fearful and into the reality of, "this is it" and after wards, every day was Day One, because it's so difficult to see further down the road at that point.

I couldn't agree more with how unique we all are in our grief and how we choose and even 'when' we choose to move forward.

Thanks for stopping by and letting us know how you've been doing!

((((( Happy Heavenly Birthday, Ross!))))) I hope you felt your baby near, Carol!

Take care,
Love,
Terry

Dottie (Tammie's Mom)

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2010, 06:21:33 AM »
Hi, Carol,

Nice to see your post.

I too am now coming up on 5 years sice Tammie has been gone.

I don't post often but I do occasionally read.  I lived on this board for such a very long time. At this point in my grief I am pretty private as well and pick who I will share it with.

Thanks for posting,
Dottie Tammie's Mom

Kathy

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #12 on: June 01, 2010, 05:05:52 PM »
Hello Carol,

It was so good to hear from you. I remember you and Ross well from when I started posting in December 2004. It helps so much to hear from a parent that is ahead of me on this journey. I also find that I keep my grief more private now.

My surviving son is the age Don was when he died, needless to say this year has been challenging.  I work hard everyday to do more than just survive this new life that I didn't ask for.

Take care,
Kathy-Don's Mom

Dena

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #13 on: June 02, 2010, 04:47:55 AM »
((((Carol))))

I have missed you! I am thinking of you & Ross. It wll be 11 years for me in August.  It is amazing that all this time has gone by and yet, it doesn't feel like it at all. It is so hard when their birthday and Angel Day are so close and I remember that Ross's were even closer than Josh's. 

I think about both of you all the time. I hope these days are much gentler.

Love,
Dena, Josh's Mom

Annette

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Re: how can it be 10 years !?!
« Reply #14 on: June 02, 2010, 07:56:39 PM »
Carol, thank you for your post and thank you to all who posted on this thread. Reading the posts on this board uplift me in ways that other things do not. I also cry a lot when on this board, thinking of all the children gone. My husband doesn't approve of me being on here for that reason, but I know that I need to be here. I  have a connection to all of the parents and kids on this site and I like to imagine that perhaps all the kids are united or connected in some way in Heaven because their parents are connected on here. They are looking over us together and talking about us. I see all the beautiful sons and daughters on here who are no longer alive and it's crushing and hard to make sense of for me. So, I read a lot of posts and do the best I can.

It's been 3 years for me, May 14. Michael was only 24. It's still incredibly painful. My sister visited me last weekend, and she kept asking if I was "feeling better" and couldn't quite accept what I had to say, that it was a bit easier in some ways, but in other ways more difficult. More painful. More final. The damage in me has happened longer, if that makes sense. I think that this loss has aged me.

I work so hard at moving forward and living my best possible life. I know I fall short, but I owe it to Michael to keep going. I also owe it to my surviving son, Trevor, who lost his only sibling and best friend when Michael died. Trevor also says he lost me that day. I feel terribly guilty, but I'm forever altered. We work on having some new memories now and I spent some time with Trevor on Saturday. Very nice!

I hope you come by the board more, Carol!

Love,
Annette
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12-13-82 - 5-14-07

Trevor & Michael 2004 Age3