Hello old friends...Haven't posted here in a very long time! My son Ross was killed on May 25, 2000 while riding his bike in an area closed off to traffic when a couple of construction workers took a shortcut home a way they weren't supposed to go...and he was in the wrong place at the wrong time. I lived on this board every day and night for several years. the how's and the why's have been unanswerable, but every day i saw that the sun would rise and set around me, and slowly i started to see color and hear laughter in my life again, and recently, faced my fears and have found joy again. (long story) We found that talking about him and the things he did, just like you would do if your child was still alive, was a good thing. I've found over the years that I prefer to keep my deepest pain private now. I'm the one who decides if I will let anyone in, and if so..when. my mantra..."my grief, my way." There is no right or wrong, only what's right for each individual. I've told myself many times that I'm not a poster child for grief, because what I've done for myself might not be right for someone else.
I see a lot of names here that I recognize, and sadly, too many new ones, (sigh). My son's birthday and heaven date are only 3 days apart, which seems like a lot of intensity all at once, but for some reason, his birthday is the one that brings tears. Once that happens, I seem to be okay. Today, his heaven date, the minutes approaching 6 pm are the only hard moments...I'll say a prayer, or say something to him, and just stay low key. I'm a pretty upbeat person most of the time, so I've honestly come to realize that he's okay...he's in heaven waiting for me, and it's up to me to make the most of this brief time on earth before we go home. I'm not super religious, but having been raised Catholic, i'm mostly spiritual in my thinking now and believe in karma and the golden rule. It all comes down to this...god is love, and love is god. if you have one, you have the other. I try.
so...i got an email from an old friend who I met here, and it reminded me of how deeply i NEEDED to see that parents farther down the road could and would survive. so here I am to tell you that you can and you should, in honor of our children who want us to make the best of our time here. It sure changes the way you see life doesn't it? I never shy away from talking about my son, and posted a nice message on my facebook page, with a little video of our balloon release, and you know what? it made me feel better to do that for him...i put flower seeds inside the balloons before the helium. My thought is that the seed will fall to earth, and bloom in honor of him...or at the least, a hungry bird will have it first....all in the name of life, in his honor.
The help I got here was critical in my early survival, so I hope that new parents can take comfort in that. all my best... Carol Chapman (
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