Dear Penny,
I'm writing because no one has responded after posting six times before this one and we talk regularly, but you said something that is totally untrue. "yes mine is lasting a very long time and i wont deny that." Four months is not a long time at all. We lost two children as you know and our first one died suddenly and was misdiagnosed on autopsy. They thought she died of Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, SIDS, but as it turned out it was a rare genetic disease but we didn't find out until our fourth child and our third one was a miscarriage at five months. Anyway, my point is we joined a local support group at the time and they gave us a lot of reading material which let me know that two years is average to grieve and that's just an average, no two people are alike and no one can tell us how to grieve.
I haven't posted my story here yet because I wasn't sure I'd feel safe or if I'd get the support I'm desperate for too as you know. I don't know if many here ever heard of "complicated grief," but I know we're both suffering from it and one of the things about it is that you have a very difficult time even accepting the death. If anyone is interested in reading about it, as I think others here may be dealing with it also, here's a few links to read about it. It can be from a sudden unexpected loss or from many losses and traumas. You also lost a child and weren't able to have anymore. My husband survived cancer and was doing well and then died suddenly from a freak bicycle accident after going through our children's deaths together and many other traumas. Two social workers told me they've never had anyone in their practices with as many losses and traumas as I've had. The article even says on an MRI our brains look different, I'd really like to see a scan of my brain.
newbielink:http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2008/08/03/AR2008080301280_pf.html [nonactive]
newbielink:http://www.doctorshospital.org/bodymayo.cfm?xyzpdqabc=0&id=6&action=subtopic&hr=Condition%20Guides&topic=Behavioral%20%26%20Mental%20Health&subtopic=Complicated%20grief [nonactive]
newbielink:http://psychcentral.com/news/2008/06/23/new-insights-on-grief-recovery/2484.html [nonactive]
newbielink:http://ezinearticles.com/?Complicated-Grief---Advice-to-Understand-Whether-You-Are-Suffering-From-Unresolved-Grief&id=4555348 [nonactive]
It hurts even more if we don't get enough support and if we don't have family. For me my family is small and they don't begin to understand what I'm dealing with and have stopped talking to me. We loved our daughter and grandchildren so much and were so close and now that has all changed which is making things worse instead of getting their love, support and help to make it better.
I know you're also not getting support, from your family, at work or your church which is terrible. Our society just doesn't know how to deal with people who are hurting and grieving and it's a terrible shame. One of my best friends of over thirty years who went through the life and death of our last daughter with us didn't call me after Dennis died. I called her and asked her why and she told me she didn't know what to say but she prayed for me all the time and then she said she was on her way out the door to a block party! We used to live two doors away from each other but she had moved a few years earlier. I haven't heard from her since. All I can say is I think it hit too close to home for her and she was afraid it could happen to her too.
I didn't want to make this about me, but hopefully it might help others or prevent them from making the mistake I did. I never took any antidepressants or anti-anxiety drugs after our children died but my sister and daughter called my Dr. from the hospital when my husband died and I was prescribed xanax and an antidepressant. I didn't take the antidepressant but I did take the xanax and it was a big mistake. It is very addictive and is never supposed to be used for grief I later found out from a specialist on the subject, Dr. Ashton, who wrote the Ashton Manual to recover from these benzo drugs. My husband died on Nov. 8, 2007 and I tried to be there for our grandchildren but it wasn't easy. Our daughter lives 3-1/2 hours away and wanted me there for Xmas with them but it was so hard so I kept calling the Dr. and telling him I needed more, just until I could come home and get things settled. Well, by the time I came home I was on 6 mg. of xanax which is an extremely high dose and he said he never knew anyone on that high of a dose that didn't need to be hospitalized to get off of it, but he still allowed me to get on that high of a dose without telling me before I did. I also know now that it isn't the way to do it either. I won't get into that now, but I eventually ended up seeing a psychiatrist who not only said it wasn't a high dose but added an antidepressant that I wouldn't get sick from, I eventually did try four of them, he wanted to wean me to those to get off of the xanax but I became very sick from all of them. Anyway, she added one and said I'd be on them for three years, two to get well and one just for safekeeping! Their job is just to put you on meds and it's known that no one should be on a benzo drug which xanax is for more than a short period and never for grief because it could make it last for years. I came back to her four months later in June, 2008 and told her I wanted off all of the drugs. She told me it was her job to prescribe them but my job not to take them. I won't go into all of the details but I've been withdrawing from these for over two years now and I won't be off until the end of next May and then it can still take 18 months for my brain to heal and the symptoms get worse the lower you go and after you're off of them. I still have a very long road ahead of me. If anyone has been thinking about taking something, please read this website first and really educate yourself before you make that decision.
newbielink:http://www.benzosupport.org [nonactive]
I'm sorry this got so long, but it hurts me that even desperately reaching out to a grief group online no one was responding to you and what we need more than anything is love and support and for someone, anyone, to listen to us. I too wish we lived closer because I am SO lonely and struggle so much with trying to do things the lower I go on this drug and would love to have a hug. I miss the affection my husband and I shared so much. I was with him for 43 years since I was 14 years old. People are so lucky that have love and family support. I feel so alone in the world like I just don't fit anymore and I do have friends that are helping me with different things and call me on the phone, but still bottomline, I'm usually alone 24/7 and only get two to four hours of broken sleep a night, another w/d symptom, and that's so hard. I'm also suffering from PTSD which I'm sure others here are too but maybe don't even realize it.
So Penny, I'm sending you lots of cyber hugs and hope somehow we survive this.
{{{{{{{Big Hugs}}}}}}} and lots of love.
